my careless contagion

The letter from Cindy — that infamous letter — still haunts me. It's been more than 22 years since I got that letter, yet I cannot forget it. If there's one thing in my life I could take back, it's throwing away that letter. In all my forgiving, I always get stuck on this. It's so hard to forgive myself for that. But, my retrospective has gifted me with much insight — insight into myself and my actions. You see, there's more to this story. The narrative was this: A lifetime ago, somehow Cindy heard my family was moving away, so she sent me a goodbye letter. In that letter, in her flawless handwriting, she stated she loved me. I recall feeling rejected by her at some point before that, so I chalked up my throwing away of the letter to that, thinking I was, perhaps, still angry with her. I do recall a conversation we had on the phone and after I hung up, I thought, "That's the last time I'm going to talk to her, isn't it?" Sadness. Not ange...

Love is blind. As I was taking my run today in the blowing snow and with darkness creeping in (and before telling a nice man I didn't need a ride because I was just out for a jog), it hit me like a bolt of lightning. How blind can one man be?  It doesn't matter what people tell you. It doesn't matter what you tell yourself, either. The truth exists on its own plane, and we have to find it where it is. Nevertheless, sometimes it comes looking for us. Today was that day for me.  I didn't see all the danger signs when I fell in love the first time. I wasn't even looking for them the second time I fell in love. But that's not what I'm talking about. I'm really disappointed in myself because of the things I did when I fell in love the second time. I broke too many rules. I was a good man who did some really bad things. I can't really dwell on something that's been confessed and forgiven. But sometimes it's shocking what I did.  Maybe it ...

There's something wrong in all of this, something I cannot figure out. Something is turning me away from walking down that dark corridor and into a greater understanding. It's not a matter of who is to blame. It's just a matter of knowing the truth, whether it's ugly or not. I've never shied away from knowing the truth; it's been the only thing I've ever cared about. It's my vocation; everything else is just a job. That girl is a puzzle. There's something impossible about her. What drove me so far away from her? What led me back? I thought she would be mine; I thought she rejected me. What on earth happened all those years ago? Is there any way to know? Is there anything I can do short of falling on my face and pleading to the Almighty for answers? All I hear is, "The past is the past."  Then it happened again. The same thing. I was drawn back to that place, to that same puzzled hurt. When I look in the mirror, it's clea...

If I ever see that girl again, and if we're ever alone, I will fall down on my knees, crumble like no man ever should and hold her ankles tight. I will break before her eyes, and she will see something she's never seen before. She will see the most broken man say the most pitiful things. He'll say he's so sorry, the sorriest he's ever been in his life. He'll say he can't go on any longer, the regret is tearing him apart. He'll say he'll do anything to help her get her life back, just say the word and he'll do it. Please, please, just let me do it.   I get it now. I see why you had to leave me. I see what it means for you to carry on, and I don't want you to do that. I want you to have what you had, and I know what that means for me. If there's an altar somewhere, I'll sacrifice myself to this cause. If there's a time machine, I'll buy it for us. If there's a way -- any way to undo what I've done -- I'll do ...

*"Can't Hardly Wait" by The Replacements. I love this song. It's grammatically incorrect, but that doesn't seem to bother me. It was included on the soundtrack of the 1998 movie of the same name starring Jennifer Love Hewitt. If you've watched a fair number of movies set in high school, you're aware of certain tropes that exist. There's one that I call "That Girl." You know the girl, the one the (usually) shy guy wants to be with. She's amazing; she's out of his league. She's that girl, the one he's pined for forever. She's the one who can elevate his life in ways he can't even imagine. It could change the whole course of his life if he could just get that girl. Somehow, mustering up the courage or doing whatever is necessary to get that girl would change him from being a loser who nobody knows into somebody. My "That Girl" got away, and I let her get away. The year was 1996. It was one of the most...

*When Face to Face released "Ignorance is Bliss" in 1999, they bundled it with a little album called "So Why Aren't You Happy?", and these two albums had a polarizing effect on their audience that effectively killed the band. As Trevor Keith, the singer of the band, explained, without recording the albums, they would have broken up anyway, simply because they had to be made. For a band that was known more for being fun, this album shocked their audience. And, I have to say, it was a completely ballsy move. These albums are the saddest things I've ever heard on a CD. It shocked me when I first heard them, but I fell in love with them because they were so honest. As for being honest, when I listen to this song, all I can hear is what I saw coming all those years – the dissolution of my relationship. This dynamic played out year after year until I couldn't do it anymore. As I sit alone in my tiny apartment, I realize that I'm not the monster I tho...

There's something about this something about me something about you that threatens to break me in two There's something on the wind getting closer filling me with excitement filling me with dread Is it you, my perfect coming to me at last is it your heart I hear crying out like mine This is an epic thing I am not a man of renown I am not a beast I am just flesh  I've run out of words run out of hope and other things  that look like it Here I sit alone again unable to move unable to breathe If God sees me if God hears me if anyone sees me if anyone hears me Please understand I am just a man broken now now less than a man There is nowhere to go nothing to do but sit and wait stirring inside My face shows my age my hands show my rage my heart shows my pain and humiliation But my feet cannot walk away. 

Pictures, postcards notes, birthday cards letters soaked in yearning thousands of miles of text back and forth forever we've talked through distance, through tears You were my everything and I tried to be yours you were the rain that watered my fields of hope and acres of thorns I longed for you so many nights I begged you to remain only mine but you were always swept up in someone else's storm You had no mercy on my heart and now I hear your voice crying, pleading have mercy -- one last time Oh, how you've torn me and you intend to tear me one last time you intend to break me forever like you used to do all the time I'm so broken I can't even respond I'm making excuses but we both know how this ends I don't know why it hurts so much leaving like this I can't bear doing you how you've done me If I die tonight It's all the same if I run through hell no one will catch me I'm ...

Driving nowhere — this could be the metaphor for you and me — rudderless, lost, parting ways You aren't talking but I can tell your face is staring out your window that tells me everything You're crying again and I'm driving we'll do this as we've always done and then never again We may as well be listening to Samiam's Clumsy, hungover, tired and waiting for our time to begin We waited so long we fought for this and this, well, this is not what we wanted We're strung out on insomnia regret depression and a very bitter winter These hills baited us these skies welcomed us these dark nights lit up with stars they cradled us The radio always plays the saddest songs and love songs that don't mean a thing right now Every song sounds like a dirge every note like pinpricks of melancholy Yet, we drive we sit silently we rehearse our lines ...

Eat, sleep, breathe and keep doing the same Eat, sleep, breathe until you remember your name and all the things that used to matter There's something familiar in this pain it's my heart giving up rolling over and dying every day is the same tragedy What makes it beat what makes it care what makes it continue without a reason? It's the whisper of something on the wind in the trees beyond my reach It's hope that this won't last forever it's believing  that I'm nearly there Dear God, remember my frame I am but dust here for a moment and never again I keep hoping I keep waiting I keep repeating what I have to repeat Up comes the sun and on goes my facade another day another lesson in heartbreak.

I held you today and it felt like a thousand times before you -- falling to pieces and me -- unable to catch them We are broken never to be put back together we are liars if we believe anything else I was never any good for you but I always tried I loved you with all my might you were the storm I was always chasing What I feel and what I felt are not the same anymore there is a strangeness in hugging you -- almost a panic like when you've lost your house key I can't ever go back home what's left of it will never feel the same There's always been that sadness behind my eyes you didn't put it there but you fed it diligently You and I were a beautiful disaster held together by duct tape and memories, always trying and always failing to remember why we made sense I didn't destroy us I just let us go and all those falling pieces found their home scattered around us I knew a little girl lost but she was...

This is all things bleeding this is all the end what can I say today to speak comfort into you? This is things broken and this is things spoken down to the wire and feelings on fire What I imagined for you is so much better than this what I always wanted was perfect and painless In the night and in the day I know you cry out I know you feel for something beyond this hollow place The pain won't last forever the night gives way to dawn the scars will remain but it won't feel the same You are held in His hand held close while you cry In the shadow of His wings in the blink of an eye One day this will be a memory and not a moment of death in this world of pain I will hold you close, forever to my chest We will breathe the same air I will get tangled in your hair share everything we can share and feel broken no more One day we'll get there you and me holding hands walking forward into a brand new day One day I...

How can I win when I cannot stand how can I rise with such a weight on my back? What irony all my traveling all my running away has brought me here face to face with what drove me away Sickness bubbles up in me when I consider what I've lost and the sad exchange of what I've gained If what I hear is music then it is a dirge if what I feel is pain then it remains like a stain Lost -- that is my word for this lost like I've never been found "I can't even count the cost of what I've lost," said the sad, sad man There is a calmness to this death this is a special way to go there is no fighting no wide eyes no questions, very little pain It's like a song without a real ending it just fades out it just pans out like the end of a movie Like watching that sad, sad man walk away, turn a corner and you're all alone like losing a love you never had.

There are slights you can stomach they come and they go but a blow like this comes along maybe once in 20 years If there is one thing in my whole life I could take back it would be that evil in me that threw you away that fateful day Can you ever see me the same can you ever see past my shame? My  heart is a crime scene and I'm the murderer, blood-splattered, holding your bleeding heart and then throwing it away Forgive me, dear for managing to screw up something so perfect My punishment is having to relive that moment the rest of my life So reach into this storm of hate brewing in me and speak calm into what I've become Tell me all is not lost that we can go on tell me that you still see me once in a while how you used to.