That girl

*"Can't Hardly Wait" by The Replacements. I love this song. It's grammatically incorrect, but that doesn't seem to bother me. It was included on the soundtrack of the 1998 movie of the same name starring Jennifer Love Hewitt. If you've watched a fair number of movies set in high school, you're aware of certain tropes that exist. There's one that I call "That Girl." You know the girl, the one the (usually) shy guy wants to be with. She's amazing; she's out of his league. She's that girl, the one he's pined for forever. She's the one who can elevate his life in ways he can't even imagine. It could change the whole course of his life if he could just get that girl. Somehow, mustering up the courage or doing whatever is necessary to get that girl would change him from being a loser who nobody knows into somebody.

My "That Girl" got away, and I let her get away. The year was 1996. It was one of the most personally humiliating moments of my life, and I have no one else but me to blame. I was completely, utterly bereft of any skills with girls. I barely knew how to talk to them, much less make out with one. And I was nineteen. We were in my parents' basement after having had dinner. My plan was to kiss her, but for some reason, I choked. Maybe it was my parents hovering upstairs or the fact that we were both wearing glasses that night and would have bumped them. It would have been my first kiss. Instead, I gave her a hug on the sofa. Driving with her later that night, I still remember how I felt – wallowing in self-pity and self-doubt. I was firmly convinced this girl was too good for me. She gave me another chance. She asked if I wanted to come in to meet her parents. I said no because I was already beating myself up. I couldn't meet the parents too! These two chances were gimmes. I blew them both. I had an in, and I blew it. I let "That Girl" get away that night. Still, I thought we'd be together someday. I didn't know she was seeing someone else at the time. I didn't know she would fall in love with him shortly (or maybe already). I didn't know that would be my last chance with the girl of my dreams. I think I saw her only once after that night at the bank where she worked.

There are those moments that stick with you the rest of your life. When they happen in real time, sometimes they are a blur because they go by so fast. That night is one I will never forget because it haunts me. It has haunted me every single year since. After that night, and after we stopped talking (because she was being true to her boyfriend), my life went into a tailspin that lasted the better part of two decades. I never recovered from that night. I never recovered from losing that girl. If I had manned up that night, if I had somehow pulled it off, any of it, my life would have been completely different today. I'm sure of that. Instead, I fell in love with a girl a few months later who would suck the life out of me and destroy what little self-respect I had left. For 20 years. Sadly, before I moved away the next summer, the girl I could have been with sent me a letter (remember things like that?) saying she loved me and would miss me. I threw her letter in the garbage. I was angry – not with her – but with myself. That was my last chance. Strike three. I was out. I never wrote her back or called her. I just shuffled off the stage, muttering to myself. And the rest is history.

Although it may be a trope useful for entertainment, my "That Girl" was real. I honestly believe being with her would have sent me down an entirely different path in life. I grieve every day that very fact. I turned my back on someone truly special. Some great defect was found in me that night, and it has burned a hole in me ever since.

I know there is no making up for lost time. That's a dream for dreamers. That's another lie that keeps giving. But, I will say this, if I ever get another chance with that girl, I'm going to take it. I don't care if we're 90 years old. I don't care if I can't see straight or if she's in a wheelchair. I'm going to kiss that girl. I'm going to say yes to seeing her parents (if they're still alive). I'm going to answer her letter and tell her I love her too. I never got over her the first time. Maybe she never got over me too.*

I'll write you a letter tomorrow
Tonight I can't hold a pen
Someone's got a stamp that I can borrow
I promise not to blow the address again

Lights that flash in the evening,
Through a crack in the drapes

Jesus rides beside me
He never buys any smokes
Hurry up, hurry up, ain't you had enough of this stuff
Ashtray floors, dirty clothes, and filthy jokes

See you're high and lonesome
Try and try and try

Lights that flash in the evening,
Through a hole in the drapes
I'll be home when I'm sleeping
I can't hardly wait

I can't wait. Hardly wait.