One more day


*My dad had surgery again yesterday. It's his second rotator cuff surgery. It seems like he's always going under the knife. And it seems like any time could be his last. I know none of us really know for sure when we're going to go. But, I will be very sad to see my dad go when it's time.

This song reminds me of my relationship with my father. Does my father truly hate me? Ninety-nine percent of the time it seems like it. The other one percent is more like ambivalence. Honestly, he has never understood me, not even when I was a little boy sitting on his lap watching TV. We tend to dislike things we don't understand, and, I guess, I was no exception for my father. As the youngest of three boys, I found my own interests, even though I tried to do just as well as my brothers in things like sports and school. I wasn't the athlete they were, but I was much smarter than either of them. Sadly, my dad never recognized this fact. And, the fact that nothing ever became of my life bore out what he thought of me. I was a nobody and a waste of space and everything that came out of my mouth was worthless.

I moved closer to my parents more than four years ago, even though I thought that was a bad idea. It was. I guess there was some unfinished business in my soul regarding my childhood, some things that had to be taken care of at some point. When I faced those things, I thought this would be the fight of my life. All of it came back. Instantly. Like a flood. Or a brick wall. Or the end of the world. It was a force that I couldn't understand, couldn't see around, couldn't think around. It was there, and it said, "Deal with me." So, here I sit, dealing with these childhood wounds. Wondering why my father hated me. Wondering why I never got the time and space my brothers had. Why I was never allowed to have anything going for me. Why was I always treated as so insignificant? Why was I told to shut up so many times? Why did I wish I could die so many times because my family didn't love me?

I'm not angry. I'm not bitter. I'm just sad. I wonder what my life could have been like had I had different parents, different siblings, different anything. Mostly, I just want to be different.

I have a son. He's nearing the age of four. I have not been the father to him that my father was to me. I'm certainly not perfect. I think he could have had a better dad when I look around and compare. But he was given to me to raise. I know he'll have complaints about his dad when he gets older. Maybe then I can tell him about my dad. Maybe then he'll see none of us get the dad we think we deserve. In any case, my son will know I don't hate him. I understand him. I have a plan for how I want to raise him. And, most importantly, I want to be in his life.

My father hated me. His father hated him. I don't want to be the one to carry that mantle. Because, when it's all over, we still want just one more day with our dad.*

Spent the last years
In denial of my grief
Because you hated me
Anyone could see
I'll always wonder
What I meant to you
And why you hated me
What I did to you
I can't get anywhere
Pretending I don't care
Lying to everyone I see
When the only thing I needed was
One more day like yesterday
I'd pick you up, you'd put me down
Wish you were still around
For one more day like yesterday
With you
And in the end
We didn't have a thing to say
Still those games you play
Then you passed away
I'll always wonder
Why you had to leave
Why you hated me
Then laid the blame on me
Cold antiseptic stares
The smell of the sickroom air
Yeah, I let you go down there
The only child
Who never cared about
I'll always wonder
If I could have meant more to you
I'll always wonder
If I could have done more for you
How I could just turn my back
How I could just walk away
How I could just close my eyes
And watch you die
We never got along
We never got a chance
To sing our song of love
I loved my daddy boy
Did you love your boy?
Oh, you feel so warm to me now
But it's cold in this room
Tomorrow they'll put you in the ground
Then there's nothing I can
Ever do to have

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