my careless contagion

50 Ways to Say Goodbye is a good, albeit silly, song. I chuckled when reading the lyrics , but the song deals something most men have unfortunately done, which is explaining what happened to someone who was formerly a big part of their lives. People want to know why it happened. Or they're dying to know but are too polite to ask. Or they already made up their minds (in my case, I was usually the villain). You have no idea how many people wanted me to be the bad guy. It was comical until it wasn't. I must have a sinister look about me.  I just thought it is a fun song. It was released in 2012, so not throwing something shiny new out there. Anyway, I am on TikTok a lot (it's kind of a problem). There are some compelling accounts. One I follow is called hoe_math, which explains how modern, feminist women think and conduct themselves. This song, combined with one of those posts, got me thinking. When a woman dumps a man, is she required to tell him why? I think that's fair,...

  Clint Black's 1989 debut album featured the debut single — A Better Man (for which I found perhaps the original video!). I've heard this song countless times. It's safe to say it's a classic, especially because it continues to get airplay 30 years after its release. And it echoes the sentiment I carry in my heart for Cindy, the girl who gave me the greatest love story of my life.   What do I like about this song? It's simple and accessible. It's not overwrought. And it's an honest assessment of a relationship that is no more. It's an all-around good song, and it clearly defines how I feel about the woman I continue to love.  I could not have found a purer soul to fall in love with. I could not have found a woman more perfect for me. Though I'm no longer upset and distressed because our relationship ended, it goes without saying I wish it hadn't. I miss her. I always have. And always will. She felt like the missing piece. Without her, I ...

It's a long-running joke. What do women want? Not even they know because women — all of them — are a mystery. A big, beautiful mystery.  It's no secret I have very little experience with women. I have experience with one woman . She was really my first serious girlfriend. I basically moved in with her the night I met her. Okay, we talked for about eight months on the phone and over the internet. But, really, I showed up and that was it.  So my first real relationship was full-on, all the way, live. And within a year, it was essentially over. She cheated on me shortly after we moved into an apartment after living in her mom's house for several months. I saw that infidelity as a test, like, she wants to see how much I love her. But, really, she was just an asshole because the testing never actually stopped. She abused my love until I no longer loved her. And that allowed me to engage in a lot of behavior (some self-destructive, some destructive to our relationship) I w...

  Netflix offers a mind-boggling assortment of garbage shows, many dark and twisted in nature. Basically, it's perfect for me. Except when I don't want my mind getting dragged down yet another dark corridor to some predictable end. Enter Taylor Swift's Reputation Stadium Tour!  This show captures Swift's final performance of her Reputation tour at Dallas. Her entire tour was stadiums, in fact, which is a testament to her wide-ranging appeal and popularity. By contrast, I've only seen one performance at a stadium — the Beastie Boys in Cleveland (during their Hello Nasty tour, I believe). They played Egg Raid on Mojo , one of their early punk songs, as I recall. I don't remember much else except we were far away.  Okay, I know Swift can make a good pop song, and traditionally I don't care for pop songs, but there's no reason I'm sitting in my recliner crying as I watch her perform. Suddenly I was alarmed. What's happened to me?   I don...

  December 16, 2016, was the day she came back into my life. In the following two years, I've seen a whirlwind of changes. I was so happy she was back in my life. As of this writing, she is not in my life anymore. Of all the changes I've seen in the last two years, this is the saddest. I thought once we started talking she would never be out of my life. It's okay, though. My life has taught me to live with the lack of things. And it was too good to be true anyway.   There was a change that took place in me on a recent Sunday. I sat alone in my apartment and something broke in me. It was a giving up. It was a letting go. Whatever you want to call it. I realized something that I should have seen before but didn't.  Stepping back and looking at the carnage from two divorces is sobering. If I could have done anything to help any of those in pain, I would have. What I didn't see was that I was perhaps the one most affected, the most destroyed, the most hurt by t...

You're amazing. You must be like this Greek god — beautiful and chiseled of stone. I'm down on my knees again, begging for you to wake up, begging for you to take your rightful place and set things straight. I'm praying for you. I'm praying God changes your heart. I'm praying you restore what you've stolen, killed, and destroyed. Make things right. You're the right man for her. Only you can do this. God knows my heart. It was — for a moment — full of contempt for you. It was jealous. It wanted the one you had. It wanted her to love me as she loves you. In short, it wanted the impossible. I was wrong. I know that now, and I feel beyond punished for my mistake. I have sinned against you. I have sinned against your wife and children. I have sinned against God. My heart wanted your wife. My heart wanted to steal back what you stole from me many years ago. It sought to set something right that was never wrong. My stupid hands have fumbled with these pie...

Some people seem effortless, the way they get through life, but life is hard for a lot of people. I know a way to make it easier.  I once worked with a girl (let's call her Shelby) who would talk disparagingly of another girl we worked with (who we'll call Shayna). Shayna was a little slow. She went to an alternative school. I got the feeling there was some sort of abuse or at least neglect (which is the same as abuse, really) at home. She loved her boyfriend. She smoked pot sometimes. This was a girl who should definitely not smoke pot, as she didn't have enough brain cells to go around as it was. She told awful, not-funny stories and would laugh like they were funny. Shelby said Shayna was a "herp derp" or just "herp." Sometimes just "derp," "derpy," or some derivative of the same nonsense. Yeah, she wasn't very nice to Shayna.  Shayna loved Shelby. No, not that kind of love. But, she certainly followed her around a bit ...

Having the body of a Greek god, apparently, meant having a small penis, as large penises were reserved for unsavory characters like satyrs. More on this: http://www.howtotalkaboutarthistory.com/reader-questions/why-do-all-old-statues-have-such-small-penises/   A small problem This one is deeply personal, and, often, a taboo subject. I'm putting it here where no one will read it because, well, I don't want anyone to read it. Why do I have a blog which no one (except maybe one person) reads? Therapy. This article explains how writing has helped me: https://medium.com/the- mission/how-to-become-more- self-aware-in-under-20- minutes-968268c53ffd I have a small problem with my "manhood." I'm older now, so maybe that's the reason why. I feel like I've experienced a tremendous drop in testosterone over the last year or so. Confidence has plunged. I've heard it said that the first thing that happens when you try to upgrade your life (whi...

My brothers and I dressed in our Sunday finest. Family get-togethers can be hard for me. As someone I once knew would say, "Going home reminds of why you left." And, for me, there were so many reasons. Why did I move more than 1,000 miles away from my parents and hours away from my brothers? Even though they were a day's drive away, I still didn't visit them unless I was rolling through on my way to some other place. Even then, I often wouldn't stop. At first glance, it would seem that I'm a bad son and brother. I can't really deny that, but there's more to the story. I have two brothers; the oldest is seven years older. The other is three and a half years older. I was never unaware of my status as the youngest, the smallest, the runt. It was constantly reinforced. When my brothers got BMX bikes, I got a retro girly-looking thing. With training wheels. Hot Liner. All the kids wanted one, right? Perpetually tagging along and r...

*My dad had surgery again yesterday. It's his second rotator cuff surgery. It seems like he's always going under the knife. And it seems like any time could be his last. I know none of us really know for sure when we're going to go. But, I will be very sad to see my dad go when it's time. This song reminds me of my relationship with my father. Does my father truly hate me? Ninety-nine percent of the time it seems like it. The other one percent is more like ambivalence. Honestly, he has never understood me, not even when I was a little boy sitting on his lap watching TV. We tend to dislike things we don't understand, and, I guess, I was no exception for my father. As the youngest of three boys, I found my own interests, even though I tried to do just as well as my brothers in things like sports and school. I wasn't the athlete they were, but I was much smarter than either of them. Sadly, my dad never recognized this fact. And, the fact that nothing ever beca...