*Don't read*
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| Having the body of a Greek god, apparently, meant having a small penis, as large penises were reserved for unsavory characters like satyrs. More on this: http://www.howtotalkaboutarthistory.com/reader-questions/why-do-all-old-statues-have-such-small-penises/ |
A small problem
This one is deeply personal, and, often, a taboo subject. I'm putting it here where no one will read it because, well, I don't want anyone to read it.
Why do I have a blog which no one (except maybe one person) reads? Therapy. This article explains how writing has helped me: https://medium.com/the-
I have a small problem with my "manhood." I'm older now, so maybe that's the reason why. I feel like I've experienced a tremendous drop in testosterone over the last year or so. Confidence has plunged. I've heard it said that the first thing that happens when you try to upgrade your life (which is what divorce boils down to for me) is a dramatic loss of confidence. Coupled with the lack of sex (which helps to generate testosterone), I'm probably scraping the bottom of the barrel in that regard. Maybe the old adage, "use it or lose it" applies here.
Still, it's hard to account for what has happened to my body. I don't have a whole lot to compare my manhood to, so I asked my ex-wife at one point how I compared to her other seven lovers. She said I was at the top end of the spectrum. She also said I was the best lover she had. Well, yes, that makes sense because I showed up for work every day in that way, instead of just a fling. Oh, wait, she told me that was because she loved me, actually. So, now I don't know where I fit in with all of those men. Love covers a multitude of sins. Because she loved me, maybe I didn't have to be a good lover? Right now, the answer doesn't matter. Other concerns prevail.
The internet has embraced the idea of "big dick energy," which is how a man carries himself. The supposition is that a man with a big dick carries himself in a more confident manner. This could be. I don't think I would carry myself any differently if I did, indeed, have a big dick. My confidence or lack thereof does not come from my dick size, which wildly fluctuates based on ambient temperature, body temperature, physical or emotional distress, and many other factors. In a tense situation, it's the first thing to get a restriction in blood flow. Basically, it's a coward.
When I was about 21 years old, I measured my penis. I had no clue where it fit on the spectrum. I was just curious. I've tried to give myself an erection lately just to measure what I perceive has been a, um, shortfall. This is problematic because my body does not seem to want to give me an erection. I don't know which is worse, knowing that my manhood has, indeed, shrunk or that I can't get a full erection. Either way, I'm deeply upset by this. Not only is this something I can't change, but it's also something I can't even measure accurately. It would be funny if it wasn't me.
It may be a moot point, as I've heard women prefer girth to length anyway. Well, I'm coming up short there, as well, from all measurements and research I've done. Maybe I just need to be with a tiny girl who thinks I'm huge? Is there a tiny girl shop on the internet yet? That's a joke; I'm not being sexist.
With my ex-wife, I knew I could give her orgasms. I knew she enjoyed sex with me (I guess because she loved me, not because I was a great lover). I knew I could (at least on a couple occasions) give her a G-spot orgasm. But, I'm not with her anymore. I'm thrown to the wide world of women's varying expectations. And, let's face it, women expect more these days from their lovers. They want it all. Don't even get me started on how I'm too anal for anal sex. Do women even want that?
Maybe that last paragraph has the clue that I need to work beyond my feelings of frustration with my manhood. Maybe being in love is what makes sex good. Maybe that's enough. Do I just need to be in love with a woman and she with me?
What has not occurred to me in all of my thoughts about sex is whether or not I personally will enjoy sex. I'm completely fixated on her (a woman who doesn't even fucking exist) pleasure. It's ludicrous! This is what has happened to my brain since being separated and divorced, i.e., not having sex.
I know there are, um, bigger problems in the world. I guess I just have to be thankful for the good things I have in my life and the absence of bad things. I feel like I still have much to look forward to. I think the next stage of my life could be very exciting.
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