Doing just fine

Sometimes I think I'm going out of my mind, but I tell myself I'm doing just fine. There are so many people hurting in this world; who am I to complain? 

I used to blow through my day, drink beer, have sex, fall asleep, and do it again the next day. My line was always, "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." I lived hard. I was brutal. I was mean. Who was harder than me? I was like a diamond phallus cutting holes in the sky, scraping big F-offs in the pristine, white clouds. I didn't just burn my candle at both ends, I broke the candle in half and lit both ends of the halves. My goal, it seemed, was to rampage through a short but chaotic life. I chose my chemicals, and then my chemicals chose me.  

Something told me I had to change. I kept hearing that voice. My reply was always, "I'm doing just fine." When I blew out my knee, I made like it was nothing at all. When I stopped sleeping altogether, I started to worry. When I would lose my temper and yell at coworkers, I knew the time had come. The "you don't eff with me" was getting long in the tooth. 

My edge had gotten angrier. My lack of sleep was troubling. My mind kept spinning the same tall tales. There was no comfort anywhere I turned. And I thought I was doing fine. 

Here I am again, still doing fine. I can't complain. I've seen worse in my life. I've seen the world turn upside-down for so many people. I'll take my small complaints. 

Someday soon -- I don't know when -- I'll have to move on. This time it will be easier, I think. I'll be alone, though, which is troubling. It's a lot to contemplate for a single man. I've learned I can't rely on myself. I'm shot through with too many holes. I'm too damaged to function some days. I'm weak when I should be strong. I've got it all wrong. But, you know what? I'll be fine. 

I've learned that I need God just to get through my day. Just to get out of bed some days, I need His hand. I cry out for his Word, I pant for His songs like a deer for water. I cannot live without His touch, His blessing, His guidance. I have changed. It was not easy. But, I guess I was right all along. 

I'm doing just fine as long as I hold His hand.