A love that lets go

It's possible to relive your life in your head so many times you forget how things actually happened. It's possible to imagine so many scenarios that fix things you actually start to believe they would have made a difference. You know, we all have that fork-in-the-road moment we look back on. Do we really believe things would have turned out differently if we had gone the other route? Is life really just a choose-your-own-adventure book? 

Right now, I'm imagining that I'm actually at that fork in the road, but I can take many different paths this time. I must choose wisely because the rest of my life depends on this moment. 

My heart will always choose her. My body is old and tired, sometimes recalcitrant, and in many ways not what it used to be. Not even close. But, I imagine my body will follow my heart. My brain is on board, though it does not understand the unseen hand among us. 

As much as my own journey was inevitable, do I believe that yours was as well? I want to set you free to love the one you love. My beautiful thing, I humbly wish your heart the freedom to choose what you must choose. I release you, though I will always love you. I do not expect your heart to come back to me. If this is what you need, I will do it. If you want me to appear stoic and calm as I do it, I will, even though I'm ravaged and destitute on the inside. I love you too much to keep you snared like this, like I'm a thief and a crook. 

Oh, my love, go back and embrace the one you love. Go to him, tell him what's in your heart. Tell him you can't go another day without him. The nights are lonely. Put an end to this funeral dirge and welcome your lover back in your arms and in your heart. My dear, I love you too much to see you sad. The sun rises and sets on your man. I get it now. Your love is beautiful, and you deserve to share it with the one you miss. 

I came to a party I wasn't invited to. I make a mess, broke some things, made some noise and incoherence. I took what wasn't mine in my madness, my drunkenness, my greed, my lust, my desire for you. I woke after my bender and realized I'd done you all a great wrong. I want to do what's right. I want to set you free. 

For my crime, I know I'll spend the rest of my time in a prison of my own making. I'll watch you move on and live your beautiful life with the man of your dreams. I'll cheer for you when I'm done grieving. When I come back to my senses and wonder why I've done such a stupid thing, I'll see your smiling eyes and I'll remember. I'll see you dance with him, hold him tight, and be the loyal, beautiful thing you've always been. I'll initially watch in despair and regret, but my despair will turn into a realization that such a beautiful person could never belong to me. 

As I pass into the ether, I will hold my head as high as I can manage, and I will love. I will love you harder than you've ever been loved, but you will not know it. You will have enough love in your life. For one to let you go, that is the most unselfish thing a man can do. That's a love unlike any other love, completely selfless and impossibly strong. 

When I miss you, I will love you harder. When I remember you, I will love those memories smooth. When I let you go, it's just me holding this love impossibly close. And when the night rears up, and I'm cold inside, I will remember my promise to stay away. This love will have to last me until my dying breath because I will always want to reach out to you. That's my promise to you. I will love you harder than anyone you've ever known. 

The greatest love a man can hold is a love that lets go.