my careless contagion

It bears repeating. Sigh. I question if I adequately described my current and longrunning state of mind in the last post by this name, so will continue here. Can I sum up my state of mind? Psalm 88 , which is arguably the saddest psalm, accurately describes how I feel. Every single line of the psalm perfectly reflects my life and my heart's cry. I shouldn't need to explain further, but I will. Care to join me?  Why is my life so sad, you ask? That is perhaps too broad a topic. All I know is it is not my choice. But someone is making decisions, so I must be choosing it somehow. Little decisions add up to big things. What we think in our minds becomes our life. So they say. If so, I will think of beautiful women on piles of money on my bed. Actually, just being able to sleep at night would be okay. Piles of money and women were never my fantasy, though I'm completely down with snuggling. After going through separation/divorce/losing the love of my life — which I wou...

She has eyes that have captured my soul her fingertips trace my bones like they are her home when I wake I am alone and the world out there is still turning though my world is dead That girl knows sex is like dying a little be careful who you choose  to die with tonight you may never rise again When I think about her I see her as a painting painted in a happy moment by the saddest, deadest artist who swore he'd never paint again What he did with her is nothing short of a masterpiece nothing short of a miracle after heaven ran out of them she's perfect like that, though frozen in time When the lights go out tonight I'll see her again though like a dewy dream she'll evaporate again That girl knows sex is like dying a little she didn't want to die with me that's why I always painted her with her clothes on In the new morning's disappointment I'll remember her as I say my prayers and maybe she'll think of me ...

It's possible to relive your life in your head so many times you forget how things actually happened. It's possible to imagine so many scenarios that fix things you actually start to believe they would have made a difference. You know, we all have that fork-in-the-road moment we look back on. Do we really believe things would have turned out differently if we had gone the other route? Is life really just a choose-your-own-adventure book?  Right now, I'm imagining that I'm actually at that fork in the road, but I can take many different paths this time. I must choose wisely because the rest of my life depends on this moment.  My heart will always choose her. My body is old and tired, sometimes recalcitrant, and in many ways not what it used to be. Not even close. But, I imagine my body will follow my heart. My brain is on board, though it does not understand the unseen hand among us.  As much as my own journey was inevitable, do I believe that yours was a...

It's okay to fall to pieces or to spend so much time and so much energy trying to hold yourself together It's okay to walk away sometimes and to just be alone to hide your face from people and from God himself It's okay to cry out in the night to sob uncontrollably and to wonder if anyone can hear you It's okay to let yourself down because you're trying so hard not to let those around you down because someone has to be strong It's okay to crumble at the end of the day and wish you weren't here at all because the pain sometimes takes your breath away It's okay to want your bed because that's the only place you can think of her without terror running through you It's okay to imagine her there next to you, so quiet so warm, so tender before the moment is gone again It's okay to pick up the pieces how you see fit, when you see fit and to realize some of those pieces ...