My state of mind - part 2

It bears repeating. Sigh.

I question if I adequately described my current and longrunning state of mind in the last post by this name, so will continue here. Can I sum up my state of mind? Psalm 88, which is arguably the saddest psalm, accurately describes how I feel. Every single line of the psalm perfectly reflects my life and my heart's cry. I shouldn't need to explain further, but I will. Care to join me? 

Why is my life so sad, you ask? That is perhaps too broad a topic. All I know is it is not my choice. But someone is making decisions, so I must be choosing it somehow. Little decisions add up to big things. What we think in our minds becomes our life. So they say. If so, I will think of beautiful women on piles of money on my bed. Actually, just being able to sleep at night would be okay. Piles of money and women were never my fantasy, though I'm completely down with snuggling. After going through separation/divorce/losing the love of my life — which I would characterize as the loneliest timeframe of my life — if a woman just wanted to share her warmth with me, I'd take it. Maybe she'd let me put my head on her lap and take a nap, too. What can I say? I have big goals.

Seriously, I am in full hate mode. I hate my life, my job, my apartment, what I do in my spare time, all of my relationships, and my prospects for the future. Nothing has escaped the broad brushstrokes of hate. And it feels God is crushing me, that He is literally squeezing the life from me, to the point I cried out many times asking what the point is. I can't serve God when I'm dead, can I? Perhaps He's just making good on my many prayers to the effect I no longer want to live. 

My job. I hate everyone I work with. I'm pretty sure both my parents are narcissists (my mom the victim-narcissist variety). Everyone in my family is proud, too, which I hate. All pride seems to do is prevent us from doing something we are supposed to do (like apologize, etc.). I'm also pretty sure the ruling spirit in my workplace is pride. Everyone seems so full of themselves and regularly condescend to everyone else. I have always hated reporters, as they are like the most hateful bird you can think of, like vultures feeding on human misery. The way they talk about other people is a study in coldheartedness. It is also the least friendly place I've ever worked. At least pretend you give a crap about other people. After two weeks of working there (about the time I quit the first time), I stopped saying hello to people when they came into work because they clearly did not want to hear the words "good morning." Grunting is not a proper reply. Silence is not even a reply. I still recall when my mother heard my then-wife's father died, she wondered why Kate was so upset and why we had to leave work (s0 I could comfort her). That's cold, man. And for some reason, my workplace makes getting any amount of work done very difficult. It is noisy and not well organized with many hoops to jump through on a daily basis. I often wear my noise-canceling headphones (ahh — rain falling in the background and piano music) just to block out noise and get stuff done.

My job was recently eliminated, so I took someone's job who left, and he left instructions for about 1 percent of what he does. Honestly, I don't think he could have even given instructions for what he does. He clearly had no clue what the hell he was doing. I literally had to start over on much of what he was doing. This guy worked for NASA at one point. Which makes me wonder, was he the chimpanzee they sent into space? Did he hit his head one too many times bouncing around the anti-gravity simulation? Looking at his folders, it's almost like we just let a homeless person off the street do his job. I've never seen such nonsense. But whatever. When I am full of hate, situations have forced me into a corner. With my back against the wall, I lash out in anger. It is the last resort of someone with no other options. Anger usually says we feel we've been wronged. It's safe to say my attitude stinks. And that's putting it lightly.

It isn't the only thing that stinks. Recently I have been stink-bombing my workplace out of spite. It started when my son spilled some milk (which is a near-daily occurrence) and I wiped it up with a rag. I put the rag in my laundry basket, and in two days my whole apartment stunk like hell. When I did laundry, instead of washing the rags, I put them in the trash at work. The smell became my revenge. Since then, I refreshed the rags many times with more milk. The theory at work is the septic system backs up in the basement (Huh? We have a septic? It backs up in the basement? haha) and somehow the smell makes its way upstairs. But wouldn't it smell bad downstairs? I have laughed more about this whole thing than anything else recently. I know I'm being a doofus, but I rarely enjoy things this much. I even bought stink bombs to add to the mix. The stink bombs are sulfuric, like rotten eggs. I put them in the bathroom to further confound everyone. Boy, that septic system needs some attention. Maybe we should get someone to look at it.

I started my year thinking things could be different. Then I read something that said the occult elite wanted to use 2020 to further their goals, as it is a significant year to them based on whatever numerological or astrological reasoning they use. So, this year has just been a freefall into hell. At least it got me unstuck from thinking only of myself and my poor widdo dwama. Sheesh. Another way would have been nice. We are moving quickly into a new phase of mankind's story, and the next chapter may be very dark. I stand with those who are fighting this great evil perpetrated on mankind. Also, it appears most Americans didn't get the message (err, propaganda) about taking the fast-tracked COVID vaccine coming soon (only 42% say they'll take it), so they're doing this. But that's just one emerging evil, and really just a hollow excuse to perpetrate many horrors on mankind.

I fight daily in the heavenlies. Prayer can move the hand of God. If I didn't believe that, I wouldn't bother. I'm desperately trying to get sinful activities out of my life so my prayers will have more power (James 5:16). I'm literally begging God for mercy, for a revival or anything that will set the enemy back. Let's kick the devil in the teeth one last time before we enter the tribulation. He's done nothing but make my life miserable for nearly 43 years. Give me a chance to crush him for once! Much of my free time is spent in prayer and seeking God, in reading my Bible and other books and pamphlets. God can raise up a standard. But will He? As the widow pestered the unjust judge, I am in full pester mode. While there is still time, this is my mission. Can one man make a difference? God doesn't require much, just faithfulness.

I'm not a perfect man. I'm not even close. And that is why God uses me (as much as I get out of His way). It is humbling to know God uses the things that are nothing to confound the things that are. That's me. I'm nothing. I'm less than nothing. In the world's eyes, I am garbage. Heck, in my own eyes, I'm garbage. I'm human wastage — sad and pathetic. God uses people like me so 1. I can't take credit 2. everyone knows it was Him and not me and 3. it is humiliating to the devil. If someone was praising me and not God for something, then I wouldn't be moving in the right spirit. When we serve God, we disappear so He will appear. 

It is clear I am mentally ill. If you didn't know that, you weren't paying attention to the things I've written here. But many people are mentally ill. At least I admit it. True, my bondage may be more intense than most folks, but it doesn't completely prevent me from living my life (sad as it may be, it is still worth living) or following God. Still, my mental illness surely calls into question many things I've written. That's why I quote verses when necessary. I do not rely on my own thinking because, well, I can't. Even though I cannot rely on my own thinking, I've gotten into error on some things. I don't know if I even mentioned them before, so I won't relate all of that now. It's hard to remember all I've written in the endless editing process. Sometimes I write something, take it out, put it back in, post it, and take it out again. Sometimes I go back a week later and fix my posts. Anyway. Suffice to say I am humbled in many ways, yet I am determined that God will lead me back to where I need to be. At least I can admit when I'm wrong. 

Lately, I've been looking around at who I perceive God blesses. It is appalling because I sought Him in so many ways, yet my blessings are not apparent. I see others have riches and wealth beyond imagination. I see others living lives much better than mine. The things people complain about are revealing. I wish I had their things to complain about. But that is ignorant and ungrateful thinking. God has blessed me immensely. I need to get my head out of my rear and take a look around. And, I'm not home yet. I can't take any earthly blessings with me anyway, so why try to amass anything here? They just weigh me down on my journey.

God continues to work on me, despite my anger, resentment, and stubbornness. Okay, that's a short list. Despite everything that's wrong with me. Sometimes I begrudgingly do things I know I should do. Sometimes I can't force myself. I seem to take the same test over and over again, and still fail. It makes me wonder why God even tries at all. His patience is like a river that keeps flowing, taking me along with it. Years ago, I felt God gave me the verse that says, "Cast your bread upon the waters, for thou shalt find it after many days." I lost sight of that somewhere along the way. All of my pain got in the way. But I have returned to that verse many times because something in me reminds me it is important. I have shut myself up in every way possible. But I need to keep casting my bread upon the waters. Who knows what God will do with my meager obedience? 

I close with a thought. Through all of my personal turmoil, God loved me. He wrote my name on His palms, the very hands (actually, wrists) that were pierced for me. His hands and feet bear the scars of unimaginable love for me. If I truly believe God Himself endured the cross for me, then why do I think He will abandon me now? Following Jesus is the only thing that will change my life. It has shattered so much of my previous programming. I can't wait to see what is next. If God can use someone like me, He can literally use anyone. If God can change me, He can change anyone. Though I hasten to leave this world, it is more important I am obedient. After all, if Jesus gave everything to save me, what right do I have to say no to Him? So I will continue to the end. Obedience begets obedience. Faithfulness begets faithfulness. Love begets love.

Thank you for reading. God bless.

An update: I mentioned my car got hailed out pretty good in June. The insurance company was going to basically cover what my deductible would pay ($1,000). Well, after much round and round and with the body shop getting involved in the process, the insurance company agreed to pay for fixing all of the hail damage, including the previous hail damage it had before I bought it (because they didn't have a number on what the previous damage was, by law they could not refuse to cover all the damage). This is a miracle beyond my expectations, but it is what I prayed for. I asked that God would bring about the best possible outcome from the insurance claim. I literally could not have asked for a better outcome. This is an answer to prayer and a huge blessing, especially considering the damage was in the $7-8K range. Praise God.