my careless contagion

A post no one asked for. My last post was kind of like the movie 28 Hours Later. This one is more like 28 Days Later. (Those who've seen the film will recognize the photo of him waking from his hospital bed to a very different reality.) If I'm still here writing when it's time for 28 Years Later, shoot me. Honestly, though, the comparison of my love life to a zombie apocalypse is apropos.  I can see why, in the old days, jilted lovers ended up in the loonie bin or went off to join the Foreign Legion. Because so many of your thoughts are about one person, and when that person leaves your life, you still think about them (synapses gotsta synapse), and your own thoughts become enemies. You can't escape your own brain. I don't know why my reaction was so powerful, but the upside of having an explosive emotional reaction is getting over it fast.  It doesn't simmer or twist or churn inside. Just felt what I needed to feel and was done.  I'll never feel those thing...

I’ve never met a woman like her in my entire life. She’s just so rare, though to herself she may feel ordinary. I remember her smile, which lights up my world, so well, as I do so many details. I cherished them because I had so few and wanted so many. Things that are rare are treated differently. They’re cherished. That’s where I am now: cherishing memories. But, I also ponder what makes her unique to me.  How did she soldier through so many years of neglect, pain, and abuse? How did she sleep so many nights wondering where her dear one was and whose heart or whose body he was chasing? When he said awful things or flared in anger, how did she turn the other cheek? How did she brush off his abusive and controlling behavior? And then was somehow wounded when she perceived she had wounded others by finally protecting herself? I watched her mourn losing a man who treated her despicably. It took my breath away. The heart of that woman is unbelievable. It is simply wrapped up in everyone...

It bears repeating. Sigh. I question if I adequately described my current and longrunning state of mind in the last post by this name, so will continue here. Can I sum up my state of mind? Psalm 88 , which is arguably the saddest psalm, accurately describes how I feel. Every single line of the psalm perfectly reflects my life and my heart's cry. I shouldn't need to explain further, but I will. Care to join me?  Why is my life so sad, you ask? That is perhaps too broad a topic. All I know is it is not my choice. But someone is making decisions, so I must be choosing it somehow. Little decisions add up to big things. What we think in our minds becomes our life. So they say. If so, I will think of beautiful women on piles of money on my bed. Actually, just being able to sleep at night would be okay. Piles of money and women were never my fantasy, though I'm completely down with snuggling. After going through separation/divorce/losing the love of my life — which I wou...

This post about prayer has a sister post about stoicism (believe it or not, they're connected somehow in my mind). Some things I talk about may be hard to accept. I'm not asking anyone to accept what I write. This blog is for me. But, if you are a Christian and feel conflicted about anything I write, ask God. I don't post anything here without first praying about it. I don't expect anyone to accept something strange without first praying about it, as well. After all, Christians are expected to judge all things (I Corinth. 2:15) and to try the spirits (I John 4:1 & 2). In the end, though, this is my journey, and I am simply documenting it. I teach my son to obey me. It's a work in progress. Haha. But, my relationship with him is a constant reminder of my relationship with God — my Heavenly Father (and sometimes my relationship with my earthly father). Obedience is key. Talking back isn't allowed. Obedience is taught in families, as well as in spiritua...

Nebraska, you're not for everyone. But on this road trip, you were home to a great and unexpected blessing. Yes, I accomplished what I set out to do, which was to uncover what went wrong in my life. Not only that, but my expectations for this trip turned out to be inferior to how it actually unraveled.  It's clear, as I sit down to write this — the final post of my Nebraska retrospective — God chose to bless me on this trip. But you know what? It wouldn't have happened had I not said that prayer and put it in His hands. While the outcome may have looked obvious to anyone else, to me it did not look obvious. All I knew is I did not want to run afoul of God's plan or timing. That last sentence contains what I have learned in the last 20-plus years since I lived in Nebraska. Things are better left in God's hands than my own.  What went wrong all those years ago? I pushed God out of my life, leaving me to make dreadful decisions which took me far from His care....