Anger


When I sit alone in my little apartment. When I toss and turn in the night and you aren't there. When I talk to my son and he seems so far away. When I think of all the times you took advantage of my heart. When I see the damage that you've done to me. When I realize what a waste it was to love you. When I cry in my car. When I cry at night. When I get down on my knees and break once again. Sometimes all that's left is anger.

If you hadn't been so callous and cold-blooded. If you hadn't mistaken me for an average man and an average love. If you hadn't spent so many hours with other men. If you hadn't disregarded my feelings, even as I broke before you. If you hadn't fooled me with your foolishness, been so careless with your carelessness. If you hadn't been so wonton. If you hadn't been so utterly stupid and reckless, so endlessly belligerent toward my soul. If you hadn't been so maliciously selfish. If you hadn't been so slow to catch on to what you had in front of you.

If you had just seen me, really seen me once. If you had known all that I gave up for you. If you had run to me as I ran to you. If you had given yourself to me as I gave myself to you. If you had done anything at any time, you could have prevented all of this. And I wouldn't be crying in my bathtub. And our son wouldn't be asking his church for prayer because he wants to see his dad. And I wouldn't be staring at the end of my world. I loved you dearly, and I always gave freely. If I had more to give, I would have given it. Your selfishness was the perfect foil to my selflessness.

I'm just a man. You treated me like I was made of steel. Or I was made of less than dirt. I hurt like everyone else. Why the fuck didn't you see that? Would you have wanted me to treat you that way? How long did you expect me to stand there and take it like a man? I was a man, of course, but now I'm less than a man. I am Jacob, stone for a pillow. And you are busy trying to staunch the flow of terror you've struck into your life and the lives of those around you. You are busy trying to put your life back together, the life you've been tearing away for 20 years. And I will not help you. You've made this mess you sit in. You've run a thousand miles in the wrong direction and wonder why you're so fucking lost in the woods.

You hold your hands out to me expecting me to hold you. But all I have is anger.

I know you blame me. I know you blame others. But, all those days in all those years, it was always you and me. No one else. You can't blame the world for everything. And you can't blame me for your mistakes. I will always accept the blame for my awful misdeeds. I will always feel sorry for adding fuel to the fire. But, the fire was set by you in the corner of your mind and it raced through us and rages still. In the night, I still see it flickering. You laid waste to me with a devilish abandon. You burned me until there was nothing left and then lamented I had no more to give.

Well, I have something left to give. But it's anger.

How many times did you throw me to the wolves and expect me to walk back home to you? How many times did you love another but expect me to love only you? Well, I did. How many chances does one person get to flay me open, to carve into my chest and crush my already shattered heart? You were an enemy to all that I gave to you. I tried so hard and failed so miserably to make you see me as I was, just a man. A man who was in love with you. But now all I have is anger.

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