my careless contagion

After times of great tumult, what we're left with is the often difficult task of making sense of what happened. How many tomes have been written about the world wars or the Great Depression or other significant upheavals? Well, I may not have been through a war or the Great Depression, but I feel like I've had my own skirmishes and have endured a significant amount of depression the past few years.  Starting about a year ago, I've been chronicling my emotional landscape. The major themes are: the end of a 20-plus-year relationship, falling in love with a different woman, and subsequent heartache as that relationship failed also. I've spent a considerable amount of time on the latter two, mostly because I have already dealt with the former for the last five years. We expect our progression to be linear and oftentimes we are surprised when we go backward or laterally in relation to where we'd like to go. What we may see as a setback, however, is probably just emo...

I have a fear of drowning. Not me personally, though. I fear my son drowning.  Last weekend, my mother said she had a dream my son, Isaiah, went straight into their pool. A few weeks earlier, my oldest brother invited me and my son to spend some time with them on a lake. I declined because I said the water was too deep there, and I didn't feel comfortable having my son around water that deep. Soon after I said that, a friend of our family mentioned her son fell into a river while they were on vacation, and she had to jump in to save him. I felt justified.  This could be considered paranoia. If I didn't believe in the supernatural, I might agree.  I've had more than a dozen dreams of my son falling into water since he was born. Every time I would have those dreams, I would pray over him. When my little family moved to a property with moving water (three different water sources), the dreams remained the same.  I never kept Isaiah from playing near water, a...

When I sit alone in my little apartment. When I toss and turn in the night and you aren't there. When I talk to my son and he seems so far away. When I think of all the times you took advantage of my heart. When I see the damage that you've done to me. When I realize what a waste it was to love you. When I cry in my car. When I cry at night. When I get down on my knees and break once again. Sometimes all that's left is anger. If you hadn't been so callous and cold-blooded. If you hadn't mistaken me for an average man and an average love. If you hadn't spent so many hours with other men. If you hadn't disregarded my feelings, even as I broke before you. If you hadn't fooled me with your foolishness, been so careless with your carelessness. If you hadn't been so wonton. If you hadn't been so utterly stupid and reckless, so endlessly belligerent toward my soul. If you hadn't been so maliciously selfish. If you hadn...

I sit I stir I sit again I stir again I wait I sigh there are so many images flashing in my mind's eye The windows reveal nothing my prayers never cease you've bound me to you I have nowhere to go What I've learned, dear is my end is near I've grown old unexpectantly Waiting for you to reappear is a game I'd rather not play Holding my breath I claw at my chest unable to move watch me dissipate sublimate rust away decay.