my careless contagion

Some big news is coming which I've been laboring over. Stay tuned. Hang onto your hats! I know, you wait with bated breath.  *** I knew a girl. She was made of something I had never seen. I wonder how many others knew her secret. Did they see what she was made of, or something else? Did they understand what they were looking at was rare and perfect and beautiful or did they see the package it came in, which was also quite compelling?  I knew she was made of something better. I always knew. I secretly admired her most of my life. The last few years it was out in the open. Maybe it scared her, knowing a man saw her that way, but it wasn't anything to fear. I was always the most harmless and gentle man, even more so with her. I never once meant her any harm. If she could have seen my heart, she would have known she could trust me.  She knew I saw her as precious and beautiful. I saw what God did in her heart. I loved her greatly. She cared how I saw her, and, unfortunately, ...

I don't know when I first started listening to punk rock. Sometime during high school. It is such an expansive genre. My preference was hardcore, notably melodic hardcore. I was drawn to Bad Religion because they were unique and intelligent but also listened to Nitro bands like Guttermouth and AFI. I knew all the Fat Wreck Chords bands. Greatly appreciated Gorilla Biscuits and, later, CIV. I loved Fugazi (I think they were my first show; tickets were $5 plus a Ticketmaster service charge of $1). Later, I got into Social Distortion, Face to Face, Samiam, and others too numerous to list. I had tapes. I had CDs. I had vinyl. Gigabytes of mp3s. Rare stuff, covers, bootlegs, live shows, stuff that was never released anywhere but Japan (why always Japan?). I recall seeing Sick of It All open for AFI and was more impressed with the opening band (even though I wanted to see AFI for about 15 years at that point). I was ready to go home after that. It was ridiculously good. I saw a ton of He...

It comes as no surprise to anyone, but I've been a little angry. And not just lately. Yes, I have reason to be angry. But how helpful is anger, especially as time goes on? How long should I be angry?  My anger stems from my childhood. It was drilled into me to be frustrated and angry (mostly by my brothers) by the physical abuse from my father, and also general neglect (which is just a form of abuse). They not only put anger in me, but they made sure I was constantly defeated, ensuring the pattern of defeat would continue long after they were done traumatizing me. I embodied defeat. I still do. Some of the angriest people I have known — and sometimes they don't even know why they are angry — are those who have endured childhood trauma in the form of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse. Of course, there are those who hide those things, too, under a veneer of tranquility and kindness. Well, I've made no bones about my anger. This whole dynamic is portrayed pretty flaw...

Do people even use the word "irk" anymore? I don't know. But I'm irked. What was once a feeling of being bothered by my ex-spouse has turned into a full-blown feeling of being irked . All the time. In fact, I would say it sometimes turns grotesque. But we won't talk about that. Why am I so angry? I think it's a natural thing to dislike the person you divorced, right? Otherwise, why the hell did you divorce them? There are some reasons why that could happen, I realize, but eventually, in order to move on, your feelings have to reconcile with the facts. And the fact is she irks me.  I have to work with my ex-wife for the time being. I mean, I could probably get a job waiting tables, but it wouldn't pay me as much as this one (also, I'm pretty sure I don't care how you like your steak, sir), most likely, and the end goal is to save money and move away from here. I don't like where I live, and it seems like everyone here dies of cancer. Re...

Part two of how I've changed through the course of my divorce is similar to part one, only I want to flesh it out. This is another long post and is a raw, real look at who I am now in outlook and prospects. The seeds of divorce were planted long ago — in my childhood, even — and grew to encompass not only the pain endured in my marriage but my entire life as well.  When I sat down with my lawyer and initially talked about why I was leaving my wife, he asked what led me to darken his door. Well, I said I had about 100 reasons for divorcing her. Indeed, and more. I could have talked about the infidelity. That seems to be a quick enough summation for most people. However, the infidelity was a minor infraction and just part of a larger complex of behavior on my ex-wife's part. This is the part where some of you may get mad at me. You see, Kate is just a typical American woman. She wanted it all. I wanted her to have it all. I wanted her to be happ...

    I've said so many things about your cruelness toward me. Unfortunately, all of those things are true. You do not deny them. You have an exoskeleton on you that's as tough as nails. It's hard to get to you admit anything; you resist like no other woman I've ever seen. Your stubborn streak is famous. I can speak endlessly of our Great Disappointment, our lives together. But for me to continue in truth and to say goodbye in peace, I must say goodbye to both the good and the bad. You were so good for me in so many ways. We were so good for each other. You were the little girl lost, and I was the one who found you. You quit smoking pot soon after we started talking because that was the effect I had on you. You accepted Jesus as your Savior because I led you in that direction (not so gently, I might add; I was apt to rush things in those days).  You taught me that 11:11 meant make a wish, and I wished I was there with you. All of our conversations were leadin...

When I sit alone in my little apartment. When I toss and turn in the night and you aren't there. When I talk to my son and he seems so far away. When I think of all the times you took advantage of my heart. When I see the damage that you've done to me. When I realize what a waste it was to love you. When I cry in my car. When I cry at night. When I get down on my knees and break once again. Sometimes all that's left is anger. If you hadn't been so callous and cold-blooded. If you hadn't mistaken me for an average man and an average love. If you hadn't spent so many hours with other men. If you hadn't disregarded my feelings, even as I broke before you. If you hadn't fooled me with your foolishness, been so careless with your carelessness. If you hadn't been so wonton. If you hadn't been so utterly stupid and reckless, so endlessly belligerent toward my soul. If you hadn't been so maliciously selfish. If you hadn...