Here With Me (and some notes on punk rock)
I don't know when I first started listening to punk rock. Sometime during high school. It is such an expansive genre. My preference was hardcore, notably melodic hardcore. I was drawn to Bad Religion because they were unique and intelligent but also listened to Nitro bands like Guttermouth and AFI. I knew all the Fat Wreck Chords bands. Greatly appreciated Gorilla Biscuits and, later, CIV. I loved Fugazi (I think they were my first show; tickets were $5 plus a Ticketmaster service charge of $1). Later, I got into Social Distortion, Face to Face, Samiam, and others too numerous to list. I had tapes. I had CDs. I had vinyl. Gigabytes of mp3s. Rare stuff, covers, bootlegs, live shows, stuff that was never released anywhere but Japan (why always Japan?). I recall seeing Sick of It All open for AFI and was more impressed with the opening band (even though I wanted to see AFI for about 15 years at that point). I was ready to go home after that. It was ridiculously good. I saw a ton of Henry Rollins, both in Rollins Band and spoken word (for which he was probably more famous than for his music). Henry evinced manhood: strong, but also intelligent and generous with others. I even got to see the Suicide Machines play. They were an interesting band; one of their albums was half ska, half punk. They were named after Dr. Kevorkian's van. I also saw bands like Tiger Army, which is hard to describe. Speaking of hard to describe, how about the Shack Shakers? Sort of hillbilly punk rock? I don't know. But they were extremely talented. And what about the girl bands? I did listen to some, like No Doubt, but never saw them live. Then there were groups I could never see, such as those defunct and The Legion of Doom, which was comprised of Trevor Keith and Chad Blinman creating mashups of other bands' songs, which was crazy good. A lot of people didn't understand what they were doing, thinking they were stealing someone else's work and trying to profit, but they never sought to make money. They just wanted to create something new out of disparate work, and they did. It was all about recognizing songs they loved. But I digress!
Punk rock and ska and all those alternative bands really blew up in the 90s. Remember how much fun the internet used to be, like, back in the 90s? I used to look up bands, listen to mp3s, download mp3s. I think that's what got me hooked on IRC, actually: punk rock and mp3s. I still remember the early, garish webpages I'd scroll through, looking for new bands. I spent a lot of time on IRC looking for music (and warez, shh). Lately, after re-listening to the Descendents, I waded through memories and had some thoughts. So, shall we?
What is punk rock? It is whatever you want it to be. A band exists for your particular predilection. It's hard to say it's not mainstream anymore because many bands made it big and turned into millionaires. It used to be a derided form of music, spurned by those with finer tastes, and punk rockers liked it that way. They could keep the genre for themselves. Tribalism. Them versus us. By becoming increasingly outlandish (GG Allin, anyone?), they thought they would keep the masses at bay. But, maybe it was the punk rock fashion. Or maybe it was the music. Or maybe because it offered a belief system (and many are looking for something to believe). Somehow, along the way, punk rock became mainstream. After all the screams of "sellout!" faded, it was revealed that no one really cared ... but the kids. The kids needed their own bands they could actually afford to go see. So, they started bands and played for their friends, and that's how punk rock keeps going. It will always exist, riffing the same simple chords. In a way, punk rock is similar to folk music because both are populace-oriented. Greg Graffin of Bad Religion would agree, as he released at least three folk albums. And, for the record, I was never a fashion punk. I was straight-laced and clean and took flack for wearing Nikes because they were made with sweatshop labor. Yeah, I agree that's a bad thing. I don't think there were many alternatives then. How about now? Probably even fewer. Or none. I liked the music and, typical for me, rejected the external stuff.
One main difference between folk and punk is the level of anger. You don't find a whole lot of folk musicians screaming into their mics. If your punk rock singer isn't angry, though, you may think something is wrong with him. Punk rock's power hinges on anger. It's anger that comes from rejection that turns into rebellion. If you reject a punk rocker, you're only adding fuel to the fire. If you, like me, grew up with a sense of rejection, you can be sure they will live a life of rebellion at some point. I thank God He rescued me from the cycle of rejection/rebellion, though it still functions within me. Punk rock feeds off of anger. It's not all angry music. A lot of it is really sweet (like many Descendents songs), but anger is the original source of inspiration. As the years go on, angry young men turn to ... angry old men. And that's not a good look, guys. You're supposed to figure things out and mature. Haha. Or become an activist or something. Save the whales. I really respect those who are passionate about their beliefs, and that is punk rock. I didn't care for ska as much because it wasn't as defined. It was just kids bopping and skanking and whatever the hell they do in ska.
The cure for those ensnared in the anger of punk rock is love. Lots of love. Maybe some time, too, because where anger lives, there also lives trauma/abuse. Anger simply says, "I was wronged." It's a defense mechanism. It takes a while for trust to take root in someone who only knows to distrust. Trust me (heh), I know. What doesn't come easy is self-acceptance/self-love, etc. I completely bypassed that and went to God for acceptance and love. I cannot accept or love myself. I'm sorry. Can't do it. Won't happen. I'm simply too damaged. Besides, I think self-acceptance is for people who gave up trying to change. I still need to make changes. I'm a ripening fruit. Or something.
Surprisingly, I made progress. Some of these songs — most notably the Descendents — were used by guys to woo my then-girlfriend/now-ex-wife (quite a title). I previously posted about books like The Perks of Being a Wallflower that were used that way. (It's a strange realization when you are reading something or listening to a song and suddenly remember she fell in love with someone else, and this is something they bonded over.) I can write these words now and not feel angry. I can listen to these songs and not feel angry. I don't feel anything, in fact, toward her. Nothing. One would expect to have strong feelings for someone they spent decades with or who betrayed them deeply, but that is not the case. Water under the bridge. That's progress. That allows me to move on. That is freedom. Besides, she's an old woman now. And I'm an old man.
Though I can't remember everything, I know what got me into punk rock. It was right after I was rejected by a Christian girl (no, not that one, a different one). I also totaled my car on an icy highway (which really bummed me out cus I loved that car and had plans for a kickin' sound system). The girl thing made me angry. I was angry with God. Not long after that, I was rejected by yet another Christian girl (yes, her), and that was it. If God wasn't going to give me one from His flock, I would find my own. And I did. The rest is detailed in this unfortunate personal history. My musical tastes were generated by anger, which was generated by the rejection/rebellion complex. Basically, rejection resulted in me making odious decisions, including about the girl with whom I spent more than 20 years. It was an equal-and-opposite-reaction thing. I would have gone to the moon to escape that hurt. Ohio was close.
Finally, I get to the song: Here With Me. I said this recently and write it here for the record. I know, wherever I go, I will think of the girl I still love. She is ever with me. Whether I stay here and stare at the mountains or move away and stare at ocean waves, I will think of her. She runs through my thoughts daily. There is no escaping. I tried, remember. I ran away. I can't run away from this. I'm too old and tired anyway. No other woman will take the thoughts I have of her away. I tried that, too. And so I am left with how to live my life without her when I'm thinking she should be here with me. I know. Grow up. Let go. Move on. Tried that. Tried that. Tried that. It's okay. I'm at peace with it. This is who I am. If God wants to change me, He can. I give up.
Just clarifying. When I mention rejection on this blog, I'm not trying to smear anyone or make anyone feel bad. This blog is my history. It's me making sense, working through, and sometimes wading through muck. I don't blame anyone. I did my fair share of letting people go, and it sucks. It sucks for everyone. I don't seek a specific outcome. I'm at peace with my life. I changed. Saw the big picture. All that. People come and go, and sometimes the ones you want the most to stay go, too. No one can do anything about it. It's just life.
Why do I keep coming back to the theme of rejection, you ask? (I wish I could find a different word.) Why don't I let it go? Plenty of fish in the sea, you say. I get all that. Here is why: it is an important aspect of my past. It explains why I made some bad decisions. I wouldn't admit it at the time, but I was incredibly hurt. I didn't lash out, which says something about how I feel toward those who rejected me. I didn't want to hurt anyone. I just wanted to be happy and in love. I was desperate to find love because I knew it was the key to healing and building back my life positively. It just took me a really long time to find it, as I was looking in the wrong place. Now, I feel able to love again, and from a place of great wealth. I want to share the love my Savior has for me. I want to wrap up those around me in love and never let them forget. The girl I love someday will be very lucky. We may not have much else, but we will have love.
A note on the Descendents. Milo Aukerman, the lead singer/songwriter is quite an educated man. I have a lot of respect for that, just as I do Greg Graffin's impressive academic career. About Milo, from Wikipedia: "He holds a doctorate in biology from UC San Diego, conducted postdoctoral research in molecular biology at the University of Wisconsin–Madison and the University of Pennsylvania, and formerly worked as a plant researcher at DuPont and as an adjunct professor at the University of Delaware." Hey, more power to you. But punk rock and academics don't mix, do they? Aren't punk rockers a bunch of dullards? Yeah, some are. But it's also humanism at work. Both groups say, "We have the solutions in us. We can figure it out." (I disagree with that. I don't have the solutions, but God does.) Also, they are both jobs that don't require what we traditionally think of as "work." Yes, they are both hard work, but not traditional hard work. There is a difference. It also shows the duality of their brains and their attempts at balance. They aren't just about music or academics. Life is short. Do both! Both vocations seek to find a voice, one from a stage and one from writing papers and doing lectures and such. Both are belief systems, pedagogical, and pretty sure we are at the end of mankind. (And both are, of course, pointless pursuits because they are largely godless.) Both seek pupils but also desire to learn. And both seek to leave a legacy. Both show extraordinary minds at work. They may have more similarities than differences. Also, it shows those with clear hyperactivity are able to achieve much, and in different spheres. In fact, I think they are more driven than most people. (They certainly aren't the lazybones stereotype of punk rock.) Some used to refer to the Descendents as nerdcore. You probably have to put a hashtag on that now. I won't, though, because I'm punk rock. Fight the man. Haha. Good job, old boy.
In Here With Me, the Descendents describe a probably deserted beach on a gray day, a scene not many would admit is part of a perfect day. (Hey, they probably get tired of the incessant sunshine in California.) But, you see, that's part of the punk rock ethos — finding beauty where others normally wouldn't. Because that's where punk rockers live — on the fringes, in the gaps, and in the margins. Society rejects us, so that's what we have left. That's probably fine because we get things others don't. And, undoubtedly, that beach is probably all ours.
I hope y'all are having a great summer. If you live somewhere where it's not summer, I hope you are having a great whatever it is you're having. Me? I'm doing okay. Thanks for asking. Take care. Have a perfect day.
Lyrics:
Wet sand on a foggy beach, the sky is grey
You would call it a perfect day
And, naturally, I'd have to agree, if you were here with me
When I'm hanging out with all my friends
Something still holds back my smile
Something tells me they're the enemy, the enemy
'Cause you're not here with me
No, you're not here with me
And I know she was everything
When everybody's having fun
I sit and stare at everyone
Back to myself again
I took a walk outside along the beach
Watch the waves roll along the shore
The things I felt before aren't there anymore, not anymore
'Cause you're not here with me
No, you're not here with me
And everybody's having fun
But not me
I sit and stare at everyone
Back to myself again
Wet sand on a foggy beach, the sky is grey
Keep workin', stay busy
Don't think about
Don't think about
Keep workin', stay busy
Don't think about
Don't think about her
***
In case anyone is keeping track, I applied for at least a dozen jobs now. I see no problem in applying for anything outside of my field anymore because the worst they can do is not reply or tell me no, which is already the case. Selah.
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