100 reasons I suck (part 3)
67) Took a nap recently. Is that bad? Yes, because now all I want to do is take naps and hide from people (the latter is normal), so now I’m basically like a large cat, and equally useless. Naps, though good for most, lead to an unproductive existence for me. I’m already immensely uninterested in life. The thing I look forward to all day is when I can go home and lay on my bed and cease to exist for another 8 hours. Sounds healthy.
68) I like to make fun of silly things. Like rock shops. Who buys rocks? The easily offended shoot back at the heartless monster making fun of folks and their love of rocks. Rocks are kinda like sex, though. You should be able to go find some on your own without paying for someone to give you some. The found ones might be dirty, but, like sex, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Just a little extra work. Still, people are offended by my musings.
70) I have a vitamin habit. Right now I'm biting my nails because I have a 20% off code to get more. I have a list. You should see the handful I shove down my throat at my unwitting kidneys and liver nearly every morning. Sorry, guys. And it's an expensive habit. As my college biology professor said, all I'm doing is making "expensive pee." That guy was a genius, even if he tormented us with the task of finding a drosophila fly's salivary glands. Okay, he was a madman.
71) I can't seem to do anything quickly, except maybe piss people off. I used to go running, but now I just stare out the window wistfully and wonder if I'll break my ankle if I put on my running shoes. One time I ran at the track and some little kid heckled me the whole time. It took me a long time to even figure out what he was doing. What can I say? I'm a little slow.
72) I watch grotesque things like animals being eaten alive on YouTube. You should watch. I can't say it's fun, but you'll feel better about your life afterward. It also makes you appreciate the preciseness of a hunter's bullet over a lingering, excruciating death. Did you know many members of the canine family will kill an animal for no reason? They don't even consume it. Talk about senseless. Dogs are monsters! Yet how many of us have dogs and love them? People love to talk about the harmony and peacefulness of nature, but they clearly don't recognize the cruelty of nature. Nature demands respect. The world we live in is a fallen world and behaves accordingly. I'd like to think human beings are different and separate from that, but experience tells me otherwise.
73) I have way too many shoes. Some of my shoes are beyond sad. Still, I keep them. No one knows why. I even have shoes that are too small. Maybe my son will wear them someday.
74) I'm pretty sure my time on internet relay chat (IRC) prepared me for the world of social media and its pitfalls. In fact, I think IRC was a test run for social media. It had everything we see today, even the bots and banning people from "channels." When I first got on IRC (hey, I was a bored teenager), I would change my nickname to "devil" or something creative and join the Christian channels. They were always like, "Oh, hey, look who showed up again today ... the devil. Pretty original." But, I also recall having some cool conversations with interesting people, like the little girl who raised emus. I think the internet is a more dangerous (and less interesting) place today than it was then. I can't imagine letting a 12-year-old child talk to anyone on the internet now. I'm too paranoid. I don't know if this is a reason I suck. But it's certainly a reason I hate social media. All the asinine behavior and cruelty toward others I saw on IRC came first. I also recall when all the idiots figured out how to use IRC, which is how I feel about the internet now. It explains a lot. I'm sure all the nastiness on social media will lead to more moderators, which is probably the end goal. Social media is nothing but another platform for censorship, finding dissenters, and labeling them. And, well, it's also the bathroom stall of the internet. Whee! Anyway, who wants to be with someone who won't post their every move on social media?
75) I'm a bad dad. I try. But, I teach him things I shouldn't and don't teach him what I should. Have you ever seen my belly dance? Have you seen both of us belly dancing? If you answered no, thank your lucky stars.
76) I can hold a grudge. Piss me off enough and you are dead to me. I don't need your crap, Karen. Anyone can be pushed too far. I'm no exception. But, if I can be friends with my ex, I can be friends with anyone. That's the flip side. Figure that nonsense out.
77) Ever feel like the world is against you? Can’t get ahead? Your time is fraught with endless obstacles, setbacks, and defeat? That’s my life. Try as I might to change that, it remains. Is it fun to be around someone whose life is in constant turmoil, always on the edge of a breakdown? No. Therefore, I suck. The Bible says even the poor man is hated by his neighbor. I guess I am the poor man.
78) I've always been behind. Behind everyone for as long as I can remember. I recall when my family would go for bike rides together, I'd be half a mile behind, and some poor soul would have to wait up and be like, "Hey, idiot, everyone is way ahead of you!" True story. Like I wasn't aware. Same thing when we would go for hikes. I would lose sight of everyone and trust they were up there somewhere, waiting for me.
79) I think of others entirely too much. It's a beta-male thing. The other day as I was rolling home in my car, a hailstorm broke out, which caused me to seek shelter in a car wash stall. I actually sat there and thought, "Boy, I hope someone doesn't need to use the car wash right now because I'd really like to not get destroyed by hail." As it was, the hail chipped my windshield in at least one spot. I really would have left the safety of the stall if someone had illogically wanted to use the carwash in the middle of a hail/rainstorm. I constantly let others get the better of me, which does nothing but teach them I am not worthy of consideration. My status as a beta male is forever cemented. At least I don't need to grow four mustaches. My semi-annual culling of the eyebrows keeps me looking presentable.
80) I eat weird things like sardines (the ones in Louisiana hot sauce) and cod liver oil. I don't do so because they are anything but good for me. But who wants to be with a guy who eats weird things? I can't even tell you what is in the drink I make before bed. It has like ten powders and some ground pepper. It burns a little going down.
81) Can't read women. They may think things are obvious, but I know nothing. Oh, and they get mad at you for something they think you should know but clearly don't. Honey, if I knew what it was you were mad about, I would have made sure you were never mad to begin with.
82) I come off pretty harsh sometimes. When interacting with people from traditional cultures, I seem to come off as kind. When interacting with people of my own culture, apparently, I’m kind of a bitch, like this girl, who isn’t even a bitch (she does look befuddled and a little cold). But that’s how I am perceived. In this world, perception is everything, even if it bears no resemblance to the truth. Maybe this is why ...
83) I can't connect with people. I can't find intimacy. I actively resist it, in fact, because I'm programmed to do so. And, it seems, I find others who are the same to share this miserable state.
84) This blog. What was supposed to document my move to a better place in life, as well as my healing, turned into a rather ugly journey I never intended to take, ending with defeat. If I knew in advance the sad place this blog would eventually end up, I never would have started it. Though it was invaluable in other ways, it is overwhelmingly sad. Who wants a depressing legacy?
85) I greatly dislike many people. I have high standards for interacting with others, and I figure others are the same. They are not. I'll never forget the time someone I worked with decided to tell me all about my divorce, knowing nothing. They just made everything up, and I was the bad guy. I sat there, stunned, and then I thought, "Keep talking, you dolt. Keep digging your grave." It never ceases to amaze me how awful people are. If I didn't know anything about a person's divorce, I certainly would not try to teach them about it. Wow. Just, wow.
86) Bad Christian. I swear a lot. I'm not loving or caring at all. Generally disagreeable and grumpy. I could blame this on life experiences, but it's really just a personal choice to not give a crap about people because people suck.
87) What I don't tell people. (It's not a huge deal because people figure it out eventually, and is it really my place to tell everyone what I think? Probably not.) Like when someone is looking for something and I know exactly where it is, but I want them to leave me alone and fumble around looking for it elsewhere. Go. Be gone. Or when someone is trying to think of something and I know what it is, but I want to see them figure it out. It's interesting to see how people go from not knowing to knowing. It's pretty cool. Much cooler than me telling them. But not helpful of me. And there was the time a friend had a plumbing issue in their home. I was pretty sure I knew what it was. Nothing with the pipes. Just what's going down the pipes. I had the same problem in one of my homes. My advice would have been to consider any fats going down the drain (even a lot of soaps or hair-care products have fats), and definitely nix the garbage disposal. Once that stuff hits the cooler part of the house, it congeals and sticks to the pipes, especially if they are roughed up by a roto-rooter. But I didn't say that. Of course, sometimes it's not your place to say anything. And, certainly, it's better than being overbearing or controlling, as I've been accused of. I know. So helpful. I'd make a great firefighter or EMT. "Ya don't say, buddy. Sorry 'bout your luck. I like those little sandwiches they serve at funerals. You know, with the crusts cut off. Do you know when you're having yours?"
88) Stressed out easily. Years of chronic stress eroded my ability to deal. I need some time to destress, but that doesn't look possible. My body was flooded with cortisol for years, which helped to pack on the pounds. My solution was to avoid anything and everything, shedding as much human contact as possible, which brought about intense loneliness and an unhealthy way of living.
89) I probably snore. I mean, I know I do, but no one tells me anymore. Just tell me to grab my pillow and go to the couch. She is very soft and kind and her name is ... um, never mind.
90) Mentioned this before. I am, apparently, overbearing/controlling, which sucks. I don't mean to be. I see it as lifting up those around me and helping make their lives better. My methods need work, though. Somewhere along the line, I turned into that guy. My modus operandi is to go with the flow, but I found people often don't play by the rules, which meant I had to be more controlling, which makes people uncomfortable. Similarly, I recall telling a girl I was talking to a long time ago she didn't love God, which was about the end of the conversation. I didn't say she had to love God. It was a simple observation. Needless to say, she didn't want to talk to me anymore. It was an overbearing comment. I'm a straight shooter. I ain't gonna lie to anyone (which is a meritorious thing), but I'm also not going to sugarcoat everything. Yes, I can be diplomatic and shouldn't have said that, which is why I suck. Yes, I think there should be some sort of mark in a person's life if they love God, but how am I to know what is in a person's heart? Still feel bad about that.
91) Middle-aged man hair. There isn't much I can do about this. I could ask for a mohawk the next time I get my hair cut. I'm pretty sure the nice lady who cuts my hair would do it, though she may question my reasons for doing so. I saw a middle-aged man in the park not long ago with a mohawk, and I questioned his reasons for doing so, too. The only thing I could come up with: to avoid middle-aged man hair, which is boring. But, hey, at least I have hair!
92) I am riddled with anxiety, as you would expect from any rescue dog (which is a good analogy for my psychology), and even more so because I haven't found a good home yet. The Bible says those who fear are not made perfect (whole, complete) in love, which is definitely true for me. The closer I get to God, though, the less fear assaults me. Lots of room for growth here. Or, as some wise musicians once stated, anxiety is the "foundation of society," referencing popular psychology. In that case, I feel proud to take part in such an important and wide-ranging work. I may even be holding society up all by myself.
93) Overthinking. It's probably because my trust was betrayed so many times. I wasn't always like this. I just lived my life, regardless of all the questions. That's a good way to be. Hopefully, I'll be that way again. Until then, I overthink.
94) Idealistic. I am hung up on how things are supposed to be, instead of how they are. Sure, in a perfect world, I'd be happy and content. But ain't nothing perfect. Certainly not me.
95) Resistant to change. Not about everything, but some things. I mean, it took me many years to finally get to the point to divorce my cheating wife. Change is not easy for someone who is used to change being a bad thing. I need to see that sometimes change is okay, good, or necessary.
96) I make up nonsense words and word endings. (Also, I like to deliberately mishear words.) For instance, right now, I'm in the (insert large number) month of adding ing to the end of every single word. The other morning when I woke up my son, he got out of bed and did it, too. So, I am infecting those around me with this obnoxious, nonsensical habit. It may not seem like that big of a deal. It may even seem cute for a while. But then six months go by and I'm still doing it ...
97) I'm so far behind in life, it isn't even funny. (It bears repeating.) I do make light of it, of course, but that doesn't help. All my dreams are completely out of reach. No girlfriend or wife or significant other (other than those I make up). No daughter (or daughter surrogate). No home or degree or decent job. I'm just royally f*cked. There is no way (barring a miracle), I will ever get where I need to be, so I decided to simply make the best of this dumbass ride.
98) Took myself off the market because I'm so effed up and clearly not what any woman is looking for. And still messed up over a girl who is gone. And probably don't have the willpower to fight through more rejection anyway. I have PTSD, severe childhood trauma I'm still working through (physical, mental, emotional, verbal, and sexual abuse), numerous betrayals in close relationships, and severe trust issues. Again, barring a miracle, this is what I have to look forward to the rest of my life. I'm like an abandoned building no one wants to renovate or tear down, so I sit mournfully like an eyesore down a dark street, a magnet for vandals and thrill-seekers looking for a place to trash. Like the clocks and calendars on the walls, I remain stuck in time, while the world around me goes on. All my plans to move on were terminated. All my visions of the future were canceled. I'm left with nothing and no one. Just a relic, abandoned, forgotten, and wished away.
99) When I'm out in the sun a lot and get hot, I start to sweat and then later start to stink. Then I have to take a shower, too, which sucks. Does this happen to anyone else? Gross.
100) Hallucinating lately. (And not just because I sometimes get ocular migraines.) I see things pulsing and glowing. I see bugs where there are none. I have fluttering sensations in my legs. Ringing in my ears. I think my Roku remote is my phone (it's tiny; my phone is not). I hear someone say my voice. (Ain't no way I'm answering back.) I didn't want to mention this because it is increasingly clear I am probably crazy. And who wants anything to do with a crazy person with 99 problems? Hey, it's 100 now. Okay, 100 problems. Even better.
Bonus round (in case I repeated myself)!
101) Do you ever just get tired of everything all at once, like all day, every day? Want to just walk away into the trees? Without saying goodbye to anyone? Leave it all behind? Take a forever nap in a bed of leaves? No? Just me? Fair enough.
102) I'm bored all the time. I'm bored with people. Bored with conversations. Bored with my job. Bored with life. My mama always said if you are bored, maybe you are a boring person. Well, then I'm boring.
103) Really complex psychology. It's really convoluted. My thinking is complex. I cannot relate my thoughts to most people because they don't understand. So, I try to make myself appear a lot simpler than I actually am. If you think that is condescending and surely they would understand, you are wrong. I don't want to be condescending. All I know is I've tried and most people really can't relate. So I don't bother sharing my thoughts. I'm not saying I'm smart. I'm not; actually, I'm often confused by incredibly basic concepts. All I'm saying is my thought processes are complex, which is another barrier.
104) Terrible memory. Did I do this one before? Entirely possible. And that would prove my point. I know where to find information, and I don't overload my head with information, which means I choose not to remember stuff. It's fine because I can find out what I need (unless that information is stored in a person, of course, and they unavailable). Maybe I should clarify this one. My memory seems bad, but it may be because I have a different way of filing things away than most people. It's in there somewhere.
105) Sometimes I count the social interactions I flub. It's really quite amazing how awful my interactions are sometimes. Maybe I suck because I don't really care. Or maybe I just want to be left alone. Or maybe I'm a crazy person. Or just very damaged. Or all of the above. Whatever. I'm done.
Hey, we made it. You get a prize if you read all 100. What is your prize? I don't know. Go to the store and buy yourself a candy bar or a fidget spinner. Or both! Have a ball!
It is likely 100 entries aren't enough! Aren't you lucky I'm working on the next 100? I'm kidding. Relax. You probably need a shower after all that. And to forever avert your eyes from me. Go ahead. I'll understand.
***
Cleaned out my work desk of most of my personal belongings and am in the process of transferring files (photos of my kid over the last seven years, etc.) to a home computer. Working on the instruction file for the next person who has my position. Sold a couple of old rifles and have another for sale. Gave one away. Now focused on selling furniture. Threw out a recliner. Bought new tires for my car (yet to be installed cus everyone is backed up). Bought some kratom, a natural nootropic, for my anxiety so, hopefully, I can sleep. Even weaned my caffeine intake down to one green tea bag a day. Change is brewing.
Thank you for reading, and God bless.
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