Crown of Thorns
Social Distortion's album White Light, White Heat, White Trash was released in 1996. I wrote previously about a track (I was wrong), which I recall seeing on MTV's 120 Minutes in probably late 1996 when I was home from college some weekend. I didn't know I'd later see the band play many times or that they would become a major influence in my life.
Crown of Thorns was released 25 years ago on the same album and remains relevant. Though it didn't mean anything to me for years, today it does. It's clear the singer/songwriter, Mike Ness, went through "the program," meaning some sort of mind-control protocols. The marks are all over his music, his life, and his body. (Once you know what to look for, you spot it right away.) Mass media, in turn, uses these programmed individuals to program the rest of us. I was thinking about a song on the radio the other day (Love is a Battlefield by Pat Benatar, who I also saw perform) and how it was blatant programming, taking something beautiful like love and making it, well, a war zone. Love isn't a battlefield. Love is tenderness, trust, companionship, reliance, and all kinds of beautiful things. It is laughter, lightness, and peace. But the program wants us to believe otherwise because it wants human beings to be miserable, especially in a situation where they shouldn't be, such as when in love. It's clear I was programmed through music as well as my upbringing to see love as horrible and intimacy as dangerous.
Here we see in Crown of Thorns the aloneness program. If you think I'm crazy talking about programming, then pause for a moment and reflect. The human brain is the most complex thing in the entire universe, often related to a computer because it takes information in and processes it in much the same way. Our brains run programs from before we are even born until the day we die. Even in old age when plasticity fades, our brains are incredibly flexible, learning and relearning endlessly because we are God's creation, fearfully and wonderfully made.
Psychology tries to make sense of the brain. The closest it can come is saying we are computers. Computers run operating systems and programs. The masterminds behind "the program," a loose term for a number of mind-control programs, know they can rewire the human brain to suit their needs. It's not science fiction, though science fiction often draws upon reality for inspiration. The devil was doing these things since the dawn of time but only recently (say, the last 150 years) was it institutionalized. With that out of the way, let me discuss this song and what it means to me.
Somewhere along the line, I soaked up enough aloneness programming that it became my way of life, even when I was in a relationship. I was not engaged by that relationship. She cheated on me (her program) endlessly, and I ended up abandoning my marriage, which led to divorce. It's not that I'm incapable of being with someone. It's just not my default program.
From the time I was young, I preferred to be alone instead of with family and friends because of the trauma and betrayal afflicted upon me. Being alone was safer. It's why I pushed many decent women (including the one I knew since fourth grade, and with whom I am still in love) away, as well, and chose one who would hurt me most. Programming. The funny thing about this song is Mike Ness is/was a family man with kids. Here's what he had to say about the song in 2016: “The definition of insanity is repeating the same mistakes over and expecting different results. I knew I wasn’t going to find love where I was looking. At some point there’s an aspect of self-care that has to come into play, otherwise it’s never going to change.” Mike Ness just explained a program at work. If you find yourself repeating the same mistakes, that's a program.
This song has literally been in my head for weeks now. When that happens, that's a program at work. It doesn't say anything about breaking the program. It just says, "Sorry 'bout your luck. I've been there." Truly, I wish I knew then what I know now. But what do I do now?
The first thing is seeing the mistake. You can't change something unless you see it as a problem. Define the problem. Next, decide on a course of action to correct the problem. I can't go back in time and fix anything, which leaves me very little room to correct my problem, yet it is still doable. Since it's safe to say I embraced the devil's programming in the past, I must embrace God's program for my future. For that, I need to spend a lot of time in prayer. And probably a lot of fasting to break the power of the devil. I would appreciate prayers, but I know everyone is praying a lot these days about a lot of different things. If you think about it, say a short prayer for this guy, too.
I keep having this vision of the girl I love. She's looking up at me with a spark in her green eyes, our little ones at her feet as if she brings them to me, and we are so in love. It's a tender scene and all I wanted in life. It never happened in the past and won't happen in the future, but it keeps me going. That look on her face is perfect and makes my heart leap within me. Even though it is nothing but a creation of my imagination, it keeps me warm at night. I could choose to be sad about what could have been, or I could simply love. Clearly, I chose to love.
It is now more than four years since my separation started, which means I'm working on five years alone. Truly, I wish I was alone for only five years. Seems like a lifetime.
Lyrics:
Pretty much been alone now for almost five years
I could always find a way to hide these bitter tears
And still I am waiting and wishing somehow
I wish I knew then what I know now
It's no bed of roses, it ain't no crown of thorns
Better than lonely, I've been there before
Got a bad reputation for playing with love
Gonna play again now and beat the odds above
And still I am waiting and wishing somehow
I wish I knew then what I know now
It's no bed of roses, it ain't no crown of thorns
Better than lonely, I've been there before
Are you tired of being alone?
Or have you fallen out of love?
Do you care enough about yourself?
I have worn your crown of thorns
It's no bed of roses, it ain't no crown of thorns
Better than lonely, I've been there before
***
Since I don't have much to write about anymore, I may revisit some old songs and see how things — like me — have changed. Or maybe write about other nonsense, just like the last almost 500 posts.
A good friend told me recently I should stop feeling sorry for myself, so I will try to do that. At least to make her happy. I'll give it a go. When I was a child, and because I could not control my world, I created other worlds, sometimes just in my brain. I drew them. I created them with Legos or out of dirt. I made safe places. Gardens. Aquariums. Closed off from the poisonous world around me, I made those little bubbles thrive. In a way, it was compensation for what no one did for me. I am a poster child for abuse. People don't understand how it becomes you, but I was never an abuser. It amazes me how I made perfect little worlds for others, yet I couldn't do the same for myself. For a long time, I thought music was the key to unraveling the mystery of how I am the way I am. I was wrong, but God helped me find a language that could do it. You're reading it. My words. His guidance.
Also, I applied for a third position. They probably laugh at me, but I try anyway. Trying is important. Nothing happens without trying. And I think trying something wildly different is commendable.
Thank you for reading, and God bless.
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