Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (Jim Carrey, Kate Winslet) was released in 2004. You may vaguely remember it. You may not! I keep coming back to the theme of this movie in my mind, and for good reason. (It is a cult classic, so I'm not alone in that.) It bears an eerie resemblance to my life.
Is it okay if I spoil this movie for you? If not, don't read further. Here is the synopsis of the movie, taken from this site:
Joel and Clementine had been in love, but then their relationship deteriorated to the point where Clementine decided to have Joel’s memories removed from her mind entirely. Discovering that she chose to not remember him anymore, Joel is heartbroken and decides to do the same thing for himself as well. However, as the procedure begins and he relives all memories, both good and bad, he starts to have second thoughts about it. As the world falls apart around him, he desperately tries to save some part of Clementine deep inside his mind, somewhere that he can keep her safe and remember her the next day.
In the end, Joel’s efforts to save something of Clementine in his mind doesn’t work and his memories are completely wiped off. This brings us back to the beginning of the film, where we see him go to the Montauk beach and meet Clementine all over again. A twist comes when both of them receive a mail from Mary, who has left her job at Lacuna and has sent all the files to the respective clients. Both Joel and Clementine listen to their tapes and realise that they have been in a relationship before and it ended so badly that both of them got their memories wiped because of it.
As Clementine walks away, Joel asks her to stay and ponder upon the reason why they should be together again and risk another heartbreak. Eventually, they decide to be together and see how things turn out, despite their knowledge of the previous results. They are ready to risk the pain in the future for the happiness they feel with each other right now. In the final scene, we see both of them back at the Montauk beach, playful and happy.
How many times did I wish to erase a certain woman from my memory because the knowledge of who she is is too wonderful and the realization I lost her too unbearable? Many. Ask yourself if you'd erase someone like that from your memory if it meant you could "go on" and live your life. Or would you keep them there, even though it hurts? People who endured a particularly painful breakup may see my point. And, for some reason, I took it particularly hard (maybe 100 times harder) than any other rejection. The reasons for that remain with me, but you may go ahead and guess. She was just different. There is always that one that gets you more than any other.
This journey of love and how I feel about that girl may not make sense to the average reader. I apologize. Perhaps it would help to know after the first time nearly 25 years ago when she pushed me away, I desperately tried to erase her from my mind because it was an unexpected and painful blow. (This memory was largely buried but resurfaced in February, and with the same effect.) I thought we would be together. I was slow in getting there, however. But what happened in the intervening years is important. I did manage to erase some memories of our time together. They are buried, perhaps, but are not accessible any longer. Though I did erase memories, I could not erase how I felt about her, and that was telling. There was an immediate joy and gladness when she returned to my life 20 years after the fact. And that joy gave birth to other wonderful feelings. She was back! And it felt perfect.
My heart remembered her. My mind had trouble, as it often does, sifting through the memories. But my heart knew everything. It clearly remembered. I don't know if it's safe to say I fell in love with her a second time. I think it was merely a continuation of the first time, though the second time I had the words to express that love. (Love sometimes goes dormant, but, like a tree in spring, can live again under the right conditions.) What is clear is my heart isn't interested in falling out of love with her. I may bury her again or forget some things, but my heart will always remember.
Like the characters in the movie, full knowing what happened the first time, what was my choice the second time? Would I try to be with her again, knowing how it ended the first time? My answer was yes. (That attempt failed, too.) I believe my answer is still yes. And that is a laughable trait common to human beings. We don't mind taking a chance on something when the payoff can be so great, even knowing we failed before. We are a silly lot.
Of course, the movie means more, if you care to go down that dark path. Scientists like to play God, and here we see a representation of actual experiments that were performed on folks in the past. The experiments were so bizarre and cruel that sometimes the subjects lost their minds. And, perhaps, that was the point. Is it going too far to erase something from someone's mind if we erase them, too? And maybe that's why this movie is still stuck in my head. That question: did I lose parts of myself when I tried to erase that wonderful girl from my mind? Yes, I think I did. And they were the best parts because they were her.
***
About this time a year ago, I made plans to kill myself. I made preparations, including directing my ex in where to find my savings so it could be used for funeral expenses and taking care of my son. Needless to say, I'm still alive. I believe God intervened and felt He said my time in this world won't be much longer anyway (truly, life doesn't last long), and He has a job for me to do in the meantime. He also reminded me my life no longer belongs to me. I gave it to Him when I was 15, nearly 30 years ago. My response: I love my God, so whatever He has for me to do, I'll do. I don't mention this for any other reason but to note that a conversation took place, I took correction, and I greatly look forward to meeting my Maker. It will just have to wait a bit.
Also, seems I found a new way of being rejected. Yay! I applied for at least 10 jobs now. It's better to get a rejection letter, by the way, than to keep wondering. Most don't reply. I know, my resume is not strong. But, still. It makes me feel the same way as when I was on dating sites. Those women literally had no idea the kind of man they were talking to. How honest. How kind. How giving. How trustworthy. (Oh, but there is hope for me.) In either case, I'm probably not qualified. I don't know why I bother. There I go, feeling sorry for myself again. Better wrap this up. Whatever. Either way, it's out of my hands.
I'm just tired. I want to settle down. I want my son to have pets and friends and stuff. Is it time? That's up to God. In the meantime, I'm going to keep knocking. And God will open the right door at the right time.
Thank you for reading, and God bless.
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