my careless contagion

All the lights go down as I crawl into the spaces Fight, flight, or the screams, life tearing at the seams Wait, I don't ever want to be here Like punching in a dream, breathing life into my nightmare If it falls apart I will surely wake it Bright lights turn me green, this is worse than it seems Wait, I don't ever want to be here Like punching in a dream, breathing life into my nightmare They'll get through, they'll get you In the place that you fear it the most In the corner, where it's warmer In the face that you wish was a ghost Wait, I don't ever want to be here Like punching in a dream breathing life into the nightmare *** Punching In A Dream was released in August 2010 by the New Zealand indie band The Naked And Famous on their debut album. It was featured on many platforms, including the show The Vampire Diaries, which I used to watch. The Nina Dobrev/Candice King duo kept me coming back, long after it was clear it was just a soap opera with blood. But t...

A Million Miles Away captures the plaintive longing and destitution of separation. Maybe you've been there. I think we all have. But there's more going on.  This song was featured on the classic film Valley Girl (1983), which helped make the band popular.  A lot changed since 1982, when this song was released. Back then, you couldn't text your love interest. You could call them, but they weren't home. People didn't just hang around at home. You'd have to leave a message, or it would just ring out. It would be like trying to reach me on my personal phone while I'm working. Good luck, everybody (nobody).  The song details a forever loss, not a temporary separation. Peter Case, songwriter, said it was written after a cherished affair ended. It portrays feeling lost, distant, alone, removed, bored, and maybe a little crazy. There is some hyperbole (like bro, you can't be a million miles away), but overall, the mood is somber and understated. That's becau...

Joey Baby Don't get crazy Detours, fences I get defensive I know you've heard it all before So I don't say it anymore I just stand by and let you Fight your secret war And though I used to wonder why I used to cry 'til I was dry Still sometimes I get a strange pain inside Oh Joey if you're hurting so am I Joey Honey I've got the money All is forgiven Listen, listen But if I seem to be confused I didn't mean to be with you And when you said I scared you Well, I guess you scared me too But we got lucky once before And I don't want to close the door And if you're somewhere out there Passed out on the floor Oh Joey, I'm not angry anymore Joey Baby Don't get crazy Detours, fences I get defensive I know you've heard it all before So I don't say it anymore I just stand by and let you Fight your secret war And though I used to wonder why I used to cry 'til I was dry Still sometimes I get a strange pain inside Oh Joey if you're hurting...

Love of a Lifetime was recorded in 1990 and released in 91. Ancient history. Probably forgotten by most who lived through those years. FireHouse was not a huge band (though their hair was), but they did have radio hits, of which this was their biggest. Sadly, I heard the lead singer passed a while back, but not before realizing how many people got married to this song, which he wrote.  Why am I, in 2025, writing about a song popular on the radio in 1991? Because, when the opening chords played all those years ago, I was captivated. I sat by the radio until it played (it was on heavy rotation) and taped it, believe it or not. I knew — someday — I would have the same kind of love he sang about.  It wasn't the first time I noticed an obsessive streak in myself. When I find something interesting or compelling, I chase it down every dark and winding path. (My last name actually means to hunt or to chase a defeated foe. It's an old name, now believed to be of Dutch origin, though we...

It's probably not the longest song title, but it may as well be. It also has the 80s written all over it, though it was released in 1991 (recorded in 1990). You know, maybe that's why I missed this song. I looked up Roxette's song catalog, and there are so many I can recall. This one, however, I missed. It was Roxette's last top-10 hit. Radio was turning away from the 80s sound in the early 90s, embracing the new, alternative sounds of grunge, ska, punk, whatever. Understated and grouchy versus whatever you call this. I call it awesome.  Roxette was a Swedish rock duo, and I would call this a power ballad. The gentle opening lulls you into thinking this is something else, then the chorus rips. Honestly, I could listen to songs like this the rest of my life. It's the kind of stuff that made middle school palatable. It played off the exaggerated feelings of tweens and almosts, as sort of a warning and a riddle of emerging adulthood and its complexity. It's similar...

You've probably heard this song, though maybe not for a while. If you're of a certain age, you likely know the song already. Since New Slang was released in 2001, I would peg its inception at 2000, making this song 25 years old, give or take. Feel old?  I don't know what it was about the song that made me want to write something. Let's take a look at the lyrics for clues.  *** Gold teeth and a curse for this town Were all in my mouth Only I don't know how they got out, dear Turn me back into the pet I was when we met I was happier then with no mindset And if you took to me like a Gull takes to the wind Well, I'd've jumped from my trees And I'd've danced like the king of the eyesores And the rest of our lives would've fared well New slang when you notice the stripes The dirt in your fries Hope it's right when you die, old and bony Dawn breaks like a bull through the hall Never should have called But my head's to the wall and I'm lonely...

The movie I Still Believe (2020) is important for a few reasons. It highlights things every Christian goes through if they follow the Lord. You will have loss. You will have questions. You will be broken. If you are following God but haven't experienced those yet, don't let my words deter you. It is worth it, dear, if you let God redeem those moments. And it will make sense someday. I rewatched the movie recently, this time with my son. The first time I watched, I was house-sitting for the woman I wrote about so much on this blog, the one who decided to exit my life last year for good and forever. When I watched it the first time, I had the thought God might allow the same sort of thing to happen to me with the thing I loved the most in this world, just as he did Jeremy Camp, who lost his wife to cancer. To watch the movie again was surreal, as it took me back to that moment. What transpired since that evening roughly two years ago when I relaxed with the family dog in the liv...

Sia's Elastic Heart. If you haven't listened for a while, take a moment. I'll wait. The lyrics, according to Wikipedia, "address 'the overwhelming strength Sia needed to convince herself that life was worth living after coming out of a crushing relationship.'" It is for that reason I post it.  You say, "Hey, I thought we weren't looking back anymore." Correct. We aren't looking back. It was this week I admitted I am healthy emotionally again. (Even said as much.) It's been a long time since I felt this good. It dawned on me. I'm not running. I'm not hiding. God did something in all that chaos. I feel closer to integration after more than a year of dissociation.  Yes, something broke, but my heart is free and intact. My heart doesn't belong to anyone, nor do I need to give it to anyone. If anything happens from this day forward, it comes from a place of health and security.  The song came out in 2013. As for the video, it w...

January 28, 2018, I started this blog. I was alone and the divorce was nearly final (February 8). With no one to talk to about what I was feeling, I wrote here, originally transcribing from a notebook. What began as a form of therapy evolved into a journey of faith. What started in a very bad place ended in a much better place, though I am still alone. This blog garnered 34,000 hits over six years, which is a big surprise. (Also surprised attempts to create a new blog failed, but the love letters written to a certain woman were likely the reason anyone read here anyway.) Thank you to everyone who read here at some point. I prayed you got something out of it. Learned a lot about myself and am a lot humbler at its closing than at its beginning. Honesty, facing problems, and working toward solutions paid off, but it was God who did a work.  I cut my teeth on gospel songs. Win Worley's song sermons were my favorite and listened to them on cassette over and over. Such joy in that man...