I Still Believe (Jeremy Camp)
The movie I Still Believe (2020) is important for a few reasons. It highlights things every Christian goes through if they follow the Lord. You will have loss. You will have questions. You will be broken. If you are following God but haven't experienced those yet, don't let my words deter you. It is worth it, dear, if you let God redeem those moments. And it will make sense someday.
I rewatched the movie recently, this time with my son. The first time I watched, I was house-sitting for the woman I wrote about so much on this blog, the one who decided to exit my life last year for good and forever. When I watched it the first time, I had the thought God might allow the same sort of thing to happen to me with the thing I loved the most in this world, just as he did Jeremy Camp, who lost his wife to cancer. To watch the movie again was surreal, as it took me back to that moment. What transpired since that evening roughly two years ago when I relaxed with the family dog in the living room and folded laundry was, however, beyond my view at that moment. Had I known all of that was going to happen and the truth that would be brought forth, I would have steeled myself, even run from it. But that was not the plan. I was to be unprepared for maximum demolition.
I strive to be as helpful as those who encouraged and educated me the last few years. So many people were impossibly spot-on, so I know their words were from the Lord. I dedicate this post to all those who are facing or will face the challenge of a great loss. The first girl I lost nearly caused me to abort my walk with Christ. The second (same woman as above) and third did cause me to walk away from God for a time. I came back like the Prodigal Son, worse for wear, but wiser. But the chaos that erupted in my heart and life over the last year didn't cause me to run from God. I stuck close. Like Jeremy, I told God, "I still believe." But it's one thing to believe God is God and He is justified, especially when circumstances seem to contradict the character of God. It's another to keep going with Him. You go to the Bible and friends and your prayer closet and everywhere you can in search of answers. Did I do something wrong? I apologize to those I hurt the last 48 years, as I never meant to hurt anyone. My actions, though sometimes misguided, were intended for the best. But I couldn't shake the feeling this time was different. This was a new thing. I was to be routed from that place at any cost and with no possible return. Every single door closed in short succession. My old boss said my old company laid off 200 employees (about 10% of the workforce) weeks after I left, reiterating that I left at a good time. And, if you think moving away was a knee-jerk reaction, know I fought to stay but yielded when it was clear I was to leave (which I knew by October of last year). I prayed through the whole thing, trying, testing, and ultimately submitting. It was not my choice to fail. It was not my choice to leave. I went where the open door was and reluctantly entered a new world.
Most likely, I won't have to even see the people in heaven who hurt me the most, as it makes sense to me that heaven has levels, and those who are on higher levels can go down, but those below cannot visit those higher. This is done for a reason. Can I or any minor Christian commiserate with Moses or Elijah? What would we even talk about? I think of it as an adult (Moses) can talk to a child (me) and understand what I'm saying, but I cannot understand an adult's (Moses) level of thought. Therefore, for a time (there will be ages in heaven), until we get everyone caught up, we will be separated. That's why I think there will be Bible classes in heaven until we are all on the same page and a similar level (with no restrictions on our ability to learn, it won't take long). Think of it another way. Would a man who spent his life serving the Lord be housed on the same level as a man who was simply saved and didn't live for God? Yes, there is the parable of the workers who toiled all day for a penny and those who worked for an hour got the same. But that's salvation, in my mind. God rewards those who do more with the talents they are given (parable of the talents). Those who didn't do diddly won't be on the same level as those who did all they could. It is my humble opinion, of course, and I am correctable. It's probable those who hurt me the most will be on different levels. I won't say they will be below me because it's possible I will be lower. I have no idea, as only God knows what we've done and what most Christians do (pray/intercede) is done in private, so I have no way of knowing who did more for the Lord. I also know I won't care who hurt me when I get there, but it's nice to know I likely won't see them right away. If you think you will be completely changed after you die, yes, it will be a radical change. However, you take your soul (mind, will, emotions), including your memory, with you. We see that in the story of the rich man and Lazarus. The character God built in you while on earth goes with, and you sent all your treasure ahead, if you labored for the Lord. Some will arrive in heaven expecting a mansion but will sadly not find one, as they spent their time on things that didn't matter or labored to be seen of men, just as the pharisees did. I may not have much more than nothing, as I wasted many years. I always imagined heaven as a place where we were all on the same level, but the more I think about it, the less that seems possible. Eventually, I think it will be that way.
Back to the movie and what it meant to me. God was recasting my life. Have you seen what goes into the recasting of a piece of metal? It must be melted down. It has a moment when it is shapeless (where I am now) before it becomes something new. Maybe God is making me into a shovel (to dig into His Word) or perhaps a sword (to fight the enemy) or something else (a fork to feed His people?). But the old thing is gone. I can only guess at what the future holds.
I recently wrote about the reasons Christians may find themselves at rock bottom. To those at rock bottom, Jesus is the Rock at the bottom, so don't despair. You're closer to Him than ever before, dear. When God is in a big loss, prepare yourself for a big gain. If that place or those people didn't want you, shake the dust off your feet and keep going. God pays close attention to those who wound His children. When they cry out to Him, He acts on their behalf. What happened to you wasn't right. I won't argue it was right. No one will. But, give it to God and He will use it. God recently impressed upon me the great weight of the trauma in my life and how He was releasing me from it once and for all. But I had to stop identifying with my trauma and start identifying with Christ. What was intended to destroy me, God will use it for good.
Though I am on the other side of many struggles, I am still in the midst of trying to understand. I am starting to see the clouds part. And God made something clear. When beginning this new thing, I was to abandon all self-defeating language. I will retroactively correct areas in this blog, for instance, talking about death, as well as other negative situations. Our words have the power of life or death. Spoken words are vibrations, which have been proven to heal or kill. What we speak about ourselves and others comes to pass. In Deuteronomy, God gave the Israelites the choice of life or death. With our words, we have the same choice. Psychology recognizes this as the power of positivity, but it's the innate power of the tongue. Consider the moment when the 12 spies came back from the Promise Land. The 10 who gave a bad report were doomed to follow an inferior course. Those who brought back a good report were allowed to enter the land and conquer it. Don't curse your God-given destiny. There is something wonderful waiting for you, if you stay the course and believe anything is possible when God is in it. We serve a God of miracles.
Jesus created the world with His words. Similarly, He cursed the fig tree and it died. Contrary to popular opinion, I don't believe we are co-creators with God, but what comes out of our mouths vibrates in a way that changes the world. I stand corrected for my awful attitude much of my life. It is an area God pointed out that must change. Written words have much the same power, as the old adage, "the pen is mightier than the sword" testifies. Even the word "spelling" contains the word "spell." That's no coincidence. Our words are as powerful as spells. When God confounded the one language at the Tower of Babel, giving them many languages instead, He took away their unity, their power. My guess is that original language was lost forever because it was exceptionally powerful. We were given inferior languages in its place. If you want to look into vibrations and alternative history, look up Tartaria, the mud flood, periodic great resets, and the bells. Ancient people understood vibrations and likely used them to generate free power and communication. Those abilities were lost. Those who came up with new (old) technologies were neutralized and their work stolen. I don't suggest we bring anything back because that's a suicide mission. But, we can understand how important words and vibrations are. When we talk about someone's "vibe," it's a recognition that every person has a unique, tangible vibration. Words, music, and letters on a page all have power. When God gives you the opportunity to start over, will you complain and crash out? Or will you praise and thank Him, offering Him what time you have left? I recently came to that crossroads and made my decision.
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In other news, it's dirndl season, the happiest time of the year. Time to make schnitzel. Yes, I am allowed to say this. I am German. It's my heritage. And don't give me crap about Hitler. He was Austrian. And my mom's German potato salad is unparalleled. Y'all don't even know.
I made health changes. When you do a carnivore diet, watch your electrolyte levels, as I neglected to do so, possibly putting my life in danger. Also, stop putting poison in your body. Use an hydroxyapatite toothpaste, which is so mild you don't have to rinse. Or, better yet, coconut oil, which destroys the organisms responsible for tooth decay. Getting lots of sunshine and exercise. Cacao (not cocoa) powder in my morning drink. High in flavanols, it stimulates stem cell growth. Bone broth for joins and gut health. Periodic parasite cleanses. Naps because rest is important. God rested. You rest too. Find meaning and joy in each day. Eat a taco every once in a while. I know it's difficult, but we need to support taco makers. Stay off screens as much as possible, as screens stimulate cortisol production. (Social media is primarily for females because it provides a severe overload of attention and validation, which normally come from their mate. Social media attention is a gateway drug to cheating.) Break the cheap dopamine loop and embrace enjoyable analog tasks instead. Did you know staring at a brick wall is more stimulating for your brain than watching TV? Alpha waves are rotting our brains. Read a book or take a walk. Create something meaningful with the time you're given. It's a gift. Don't waste it. See y'all out there.
Thank you for reading. And God bless.
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