my careless contagion

The movie I Still Believe (2020) is important for a few reasons. It highlights things every Christian goes through if they follow the Lord. You will have loss. You will have questions. You will be broken. If you are following God but haven't experienced those yet, don't let my words deter you. It is worth it, dear, if you let God redeem those moments. And it will make sense someday. I rewatched the movie recently, this time with my son. The first time I watched, I was house-sitting for the woman I wrote about so much on this blog, the one who decided to exit my life last year for good and forever. When I watched it the first time, I had the thought God might allow the same sort of thing to happen to me with the thing I loved the most in this world, just as he did Jeremy Camp, who lost his wife to cancer. To watch the movie again was surreal, as it took me back to that moment. What transpired since that evening roughly two years ago when I relaxed with the family dog in the liv...

The way forward after romantic disappointment is hard to see in the immediate aftermath. After much prayer and seeking God, I compiled statements that helped me define the way forward. They were helpful for me; maybe they will be for someone else. If I can prevent even a little heartbreak, it will be worth it. I forgive them. I forgive myself. Pray for them and ask God to bless them with healing or whatever they need the most.  I'm sad it ended, but I know I will be okay. Time and healing. You'll get there. It may be hard to see right now, but hang in there and you will look back in wonder at how far you've come.  What happened doesn't define me. I refuse to see myself as rejected. God loves and accepts me, and there is no higher love than His.  It wasn't all bad. There were good things, too. It's okay to remember the good things about the relationship. Recognize those were real moments and the feelings you had were real.  It's healthy to let go when things ...

I spent a lot of time on this blog giving space to my own words. Today is different. Today I got the following in my inbox. I publish it here because I can't form my own words. I am beyond devastated. I replied to it, of course, but that was for me. Now this is for her. This is what Cindy wrote to me last night, which I read this morning. The above photo is one of my favorites. Maybe that's her now, finally at peace about me. Free. I hope so.  *** Hi Joshua, I don't know how to put everything into words that I've been processing in my mind for the last few weeks, but I'm going to do it as clearly as I can. My cousin said something last week that really brought some clarity to my situation with you and me. She was talking about how she was so undecided when her now-husband was pursuing her. She would be all in with him and then pull back and go through that cycle over and over again. Sound familiar? She recounted the story in Mark 11, when the Pharisees were asking J...

Rejection played a big role in my life. It doesn't have to be intentional. People passively reject others all the time. It doesn't have to be something we even think about in order to reject someone. Do I think everyone who rejected me wanted to hurt me? No, in fact, I don't think any of them wanted to hurt me. It was unintentional. But, if I perceive something as rejection, it is rejection, regardless. I can't tell someone I didn't hurt them if they felt hurt by something I did. With that out of the way, here are a few things I learned about rejection. This is only my opinion.  One of the worst things about the rejection I felt from my family (and I heard this from others who experienced the same) was I felt the need to change somehow. As in, they wouldn't reject me if I was someone else or changed my behavior. I think this is perhaps how I ended up with a different personality than my birth order would suggest. My natural personality is laid back and silly, fu...

The last five years have been possibly the strangest of my life. The changes I've gone through were inevitable. Nothing strange there. The strangeness lies in what happened inside me.  I'm not the guy who gets fucked up over a woman. I'm not the guy who gets his feathers ruffled by life changes. I've seen it all. I've dealt with much worse. Those things don't bother me. But they did. I got laid out — clobbered by a perfect storm.  If I took it all apart and looked at it, there wasn't one thing that should have messed me up like that. I've withstood incredible pain and hardship in my 41 years. What shocked me the most was my aberrant reaction to what I was going through. I simply wasn't myself. By necessity, my whole life I've been laid back. It's been a bumpy ride, so I make jokes and get along no matter what. My wit intervenes. My mind finds other paths. Sometimes I even have to find my "happy place." I make mountains int...

King of fools There are a lot of thoughts swirling in my head, but mostly it's her. She's the planet all these thoughts revolve around; she's the gravity in my head. And she doesn't even exist. She's out there somewhere, but she's not real anymore.  What she accomplished in a short amount of time is astonishing. She got me to see things I'd tried to hide from. She blew open things I never thought existed. What she did in my life was nothing short of a miracle. I thank God for her every day. Now, she feels like a dream. What we had for a brief moment was an absolute dream, a fantasy, an unrealistic but beautiful thing. I lost her. I'm grieving that loss. I thought having anger would be the end of this grieving process. Instead, it's just a strange, warm feeling that sits in my bones. I cannot be angry with her; it's just not in me. What she did to me I cannot blame her for. Whatever she did, she had to do. I just happened to be the blind an...

I've let you go, but the memories remain like the smell after the rain. In every bad thing, there's something good to be found.  I remember the first time you met my parents, when I drove that angry old Jeep out to South Dakota and we drove through the Badlands. It was so hot my rearview mirror melted right off the windshield. We didn't have any reason to look back, though, did we?  You would sneak into my room and sleep on the floor next to me just to be close. We weren't married so we couldn't sleep together, but you couldn't help yourself.  There are so many memories; I'm sorting them now. Some are good and some are bad, but they're all us. We made them, for better or for worse.  How about the night I rolled up to your mom's house for the first time. It was December, but it wasn't cold. I saw you in the flesh for the first time. We talked until the wee hours of the morning. And the next day was Christmas Eve Day. I said I d...

Living alone again has taught me a few things. It's helped me to remember some things, too, like I'm not bad at taking care of myself, especially when I have enough time. I can make food. I can clean. I can shop for things. Most of my married existence was spent alone anyway, so my skills are not too rusty. Doing laundry is much simpler. It's only a load or two a week.  I can watch whatever I want to watch on TV. I've noticed that I have a hard time watching anything bloody or with a lot of swearing, though. Something in me is bothered by that. I don't know when that started. I enjoy psychological thrillers more than anything else.  Sometimes I sit in my recliner and watch Netflix in my underwear and eat my Haagen Dazs strawberry ice cream (which I think is my new favorite, supplanting pistachio gelato), and it's hard for me to think about the future. I'm simultaneously licking my spoon and licking my wounds.  Let's recount some of my rel...