There's no good title for this post
***
Hi Joshua,
I don't know how to put everything into words that I've been processing in my mind for the last few weeks, but I'm going to do it as clearly as I can.
My cousin said something last week that really brought some clarity to my situation with you and me. She was talking about how she was so undecided when her now-husband was pursuing her. She would be all in with him and then pull back and go through that cycle over and over again. Sound familiar? She recounted the story in Mark 11, when the Pharisees were asking Jesus by whose authority he was preaching in the temple. He said he would ask them a question, too--if John's baptism was from human origin or from heaven. They knew they were in trouble either way they answered, so they just told him that they didn't know. His response was that since they hadn't answered his question, he wasn't going to answer their question either. The point was, sometimes we are so busy asking God what we should do when he is simply telling us to make a decision. When she thought about it in that way, she said it was instantly obvious to her that she needed to choose to step into a relationship in full faith. Within months, they were married, in the home of their dreams, and pregnant with their first baby.
I understand now why you asked me to just make a choice about you and me. When I heard her tell that story, it so painfully and clearly resonated with what we have been going round and round about for months, years, maybe even decades. I believe the reason I've been so confused is because I feel a clear leading that God says a relationship with you is a "no," but I've been ignoring that because I wanted so badly to believe that it could be a "yes." We fit perfectly in every way, and you are one of the godliest and best men I've ever known, so I have been so confused about why I couldn't move forward. I think the clearest answer is that I am not the one God has for you, and you're not the one He has for me.
This sentiment was confirmed for me a few days later when the sermon at church was about Abram stepping out in faith to leave Ur and go where God led him, and then God promised multiple blessings on Abram. What I noticed in that scripture was that God asked for obedience BEFORE He promised the blessings. I don't know what blessings God has for me or for you, but I know there is an element of obedience to it. I know it's what you've been telling me for months--to just make a decision and be confident in it, but that message didn't resonate with me until I heard that sermon, really. I truly believe it's because I didn't want to believe what I already seemed to know.
Joshua, you have to believe me that I know what I'm giving up by saying "no" to a future with you. You are a treasure, and I know that with absolutely certainty. I just believe you're not meant to be my treasure.
Now I understand so much more clearly why I've told you over and over again that I was more afraid of hurting you than of you hurting me--because I knew I was fighting God and trying to hang on to the possibility of something I'm not meant to have.
This is the hardest thing I've ever had to write. Please believe me when I tell you that coming to this conclusion is one of the hardest things I've ever had to reconcile in my own mind. I don't want to say goodbye to you, and I understand that by saying this, I am closing the door to your willingness to continue bending to my whims and fears. I know there is no coming back from this for us, and I grieve the loss of the possible future that I think we both dared to imagine. Doing the "right thing," if it can even be called that, certainly does not feel good to me, and I'm sure it doesn't feel good to you, either. I am praying that by moving forward in obedience to what I believe God has been trying to tell me for some time, He will give each of us freedom to step into whatever He does have for us.
Being your friend and whatever else we've been has been one of the greatest joys of my life. You are an incredible man, father, and friend, and I know you'll be an incredible husband to the woman God has for you. I loved you for everything that you are. It is never that you weren't enough because you are more than I could ever deserve.
I wanted to tell you this in person, but you've always shared your difficult thoughts with me via email, so after much internal debate, I felt maybe this was the way you would want to receive a difficult message from me.
Please receive this message with the love and utmost respect with which it is intended.
***
That should wrap this thread up, in case anyone who ever read here wanted closure. But it gives me no closure. This is not a resolution for me, but maybe it is for her. No amount of rejection changed my feelings for her, going back decades. I have no recourse but to take it to God and do what He tells me to do. I mean, she makes a better case for us to be together than she does for us to be apart. It makes no sense, except this is her decision and I must accept it. Except I don't. This is all wrong. It's a mistake and doesn't fix anything. I asked her to reconsider. I want to tell her to keep trying, that this is worth it.
This is the most devastating thing that's ever happened to me, and I don't know what to do. I am hurting beyond anything I've ever felt. Like my heart has been ripped out and I'm going to throw up at the same time. God, help me.
Thank you for reading. And God bless.
Christian blog: a-better-hope.blogspot.com
Comments
Post a Comment