The Love of My Life (Rosie Walsh) UPDATED 9-28

The Love of My Life is a lovely book by British author Rosie Walsh. The Brits do some good writing, I must say, though I'm mostly familiar with classic English literature, the kind that makes you want to go for a walk on the heath or throw yourself off a chalk cliff. I wonder how many people who read romance novels realize the idea of romantic love is a relatively new construct. In fact, romance novels did much to popularize it. There is some argument, of course, but historians generally agree marrying for love is a new concept and not a base instinct. Romantic love, as we call it, lasts no longer than 3 years. No wonder so many marriages fail. True, love is just a choice we make, otherwise the Bible wouldn't tell us to love one another or for husbands to love their wives, etc. It's a choice. But, for most, they need the feeling of falling in love first. That chemical bond is necessary. Hormones. Attraction. A woman knows within seconds if she wants to make love to a man. Men, well, they will hump a rock. Women are the selectors; men are opportunistic. It's true throughout the animal kingdom. I know a lot of people believe God puts people together. I do not. I think man-woman relationships are mostly in the realm of freewill and choice. There may be outside interference in special circumstances. Call me a heretic. God knows what we are going to choose, but He lets us go ahead and choose, even if it's the wrong choice. I heard a woman say a woman should marry the man who loves her and she will fall in love with him eventually because men either love or they don't. Women can change; men cannot. I thought that was odd. I know women can change, but they usually fall out of love with me, not in love. Years ago, a woman told me when she prayed about marrying the man she married, she felt God said, "Go ahead." Did God want her to marry a man who He knew would do all those awful things to her? No, but He revealed to her what was in her own heart. When she said God said no to her and a different man being together, did God say no to her being with a man who would love her as Christ loved the church? No, but He did reveal to her what was in her own heart. Does that mean these decisions are any less valid? Of course not. I realize I stand alone with an opinion like this, but many times in the Bible God didn't steer people away from hurtful relationships. He let them do what was in their own heart. The story of Samson is a good example. Anyway, I wouldn't want to marry someone I wasn't in love with. That's all I know. The girl I loved didn't love me back, wasn't attracted to me; that's why we didn't get married. I was all in. She was not even close. Love is hard to define but impossible to live without. Friends, I lived without it for a long time. Maybe that's why I'm reading books like this.  

I recently consumed a detective novel and started The Shack, which I realized was a blasphemous mess, so didn't finish. I don't read quickly, but this book moved pretty fast. I'm writing because it has some interesting themes. 

One of those themes is duplicity, specifically among females. I don't want to give the book away. But, it's amazing how people can live segmented lives, keeping secrets from others and themselves. And another theme is how the people we love are sometimes not who we think they are, yet we love them anyway. What we know is what's real to us, and that's all that matters. It's amazing how reality can be such an individual concept. A strange thought I had when reading the book was what someone once said. It's that women are more loyal to their feelings than anything else. That's where I missed the boat with girls. I didn't give them the feelings they wanted. I'm like a pleasant walk in the park, not a rollercoaster ride. Women love toxic men because they make them feel something. Men like me are uninspiring, though women say we are everything they want. I don't think anyone could ever know what women want. They all seem to want the same men, but all high-value men (top 5%) are cheaters. And women love being with men who cheat because they are considered high-value. Other women want them, therefore they want them. Strange logic. That's why women will stay with a cheater over a man perceived to be of lesser value. Got off track. Oh, the theme of cheating comes up, as well. I have a hard time consuming media with that theme. 

What struck me about the book, in light of news I recently received, is Emma's dilemma. How do we tell someone we love things that may hurt them? That made me consider the moment the girl who wrote to break things off with me realized she would have to hurt me (probably why it was in the form of an email). It must have been a horrible moment and a dark gauntlet that she ran through quickly. It's over now, and for both of us. She has lightness and freedom. And someday I'll get there. While reading, I felt empathy for the girl who wrote those things to me. It must have been a difficult task. I wish her the best with the person she's with in the future. She is the person in the world I wish happiness upon the most. In my mind, I can see her there, in the sunshine, basking in God's love and her new, hard-fought joy and freedom. God bless her. I miss her more than life itself, but a man above all must be honorable, and it's time for me to do the honorable thing and let go of the future I thought I would have.  

A quote in the front of this author's other big hit, Ghosted, is, "We can perhaps only ever fall in love without knowing quite who we have fallen in love with," by Alain de Botton. That goes a long way toward explaining this book, as well. It is a solid book, and I can see how it appeals to the mass market, especially women. The author does a really good job and I picked up on a few tricks, only I don't write dialogue. One of my favorite characters was the dog, of course. He reminded me of a dog I know. It was quite fun to read. Good job, Rosie. 

*****

I deleted the last post because it should have stayed private. The post was Cindy's letter to me stating we will never be together. She doesn't have romantic feelings for me and never will. For her, that door is closed. It was not my choice, but I respect her wishes. My reaction was so powerful Cindy decided we couldn't be friends. I doubt she will let me be her friend again. I lost everything. I feel as anyone would expect I would feel in that situation. 

When there is a blockage within a person, there is much pressure built up. She wasn't able to move forward with me because I was the wrong person. With the right person, all that built-up pressure will release, and she will progress quickly. I can see her being with someone soon. I have no ill will toward her. She's doing what she believes is best for her. 

How am I doing since last Saturday when I got the news? It was the worst scenario I could have envisioned for myself, and I was shocked. It was the thing I feared the most. We all have that thing. Some people it's their kids dying at a young age. I don't have that fear. I know mine is going to outlive me. Anyway. I walked/biked more than 18 miles that weekend, just talking to God. Never realized how many of my thoughts were about her until they changed from pleasant little butterflies to sorrow overnight. It will take time for my brain to rewire itself. As I go about my day, I recall all the things we did together, places we went, and things we said. I spend fragile moments praying. Every day sees progress. And then I felt God said it was time to rein in my reaction. 

Still can't sleep and the nightmares come every night, only when I wake, I realize they aren't nightmares; they're my brain trying to process a reality I despise. I thought we were going to get there. She said so, too, and confirmed I was the one for her. I went to bed one night thinking I might someday be with the girl of my dreams and woke the next morning knowing that will never happen. She is free to change her mind. Just didn't see it coming. I didn't want to portray her as the bad guy. In matters of the heart, there are no bad guys. It's simply that sometimes things work out and sometimes they don't. Just because I had a bad reaction to being rejected doesn't make her a bad person. I wish her the best with the person she enjoys the best. I'm sorry it wasn't me. She was the love of my life, but I wasn't the love of hers. Everything has been said. The deed is done. 

What else? There was no slide into sin. Went to Jesus right away. Felt like I passed a test. 

There are a lot of nevers to sift through. Never going to look into her eyes again while we eat Cane's. Never going to sit with her on my new furniture. Never going to hold her hand again while driving. Never going to get to say I love her again. Never going to marry her, sleep next to her, tend to her while she's sick. Never going to make friends with her kids or see what they do with their lives. Never going to hold her baby grandchildren. Never going to annoy her again with my slow walking or throat clearing. Never going to eat breakfast with her or holiday meals with her family. Never going to be the one to make her smile. Never going to be the one to wipe her tears away. Will never know when her beloved dog, Brutus, who sleeps on her bed, is laid to rest. Will never get to take him for walks again or pat his neck while he rides shotgun. Never going to clean her gutters again or mow her lawn or fix the screen door. Will never see a movie and eat popcorn with her again. Will never again study the fine hairs dropping about her neck when she puts her hair up. Never again will I run my hands on her silky-smooth legs or admire her freckles, smell her perfume, or raise her ire (secretly loved it when she got mad at me). Will never kiss her, pray with her, or hold her while she sleeps ever again. Never gonna hear her perfect voice again. You get the idea. I will pop those balloons one by one as they come up. 

*****

Update 9-28: 

I felt acceptance came on Sunday the 15th. This was not my decision, but there's nothing I can do but accept and move on. She closed the door on a future. I am okay. This came faster than imagined. It hurt like hell, but God held me the whole time. This video kind of explains how I think we both felt when it went down. Now, weeks after, the reality of it is firmly in place. She is living a better reality now. I will be living a better reality when I process everything. 

Unwisely, I looked up her Facebook, searching for any traces of me. (Yes, I know I have to unfollow; I just assumed she would do it first.) A note from a while ago about guarding one's heart, which I assumed was about me, was all I found. No other indentation. No other influence. I never made it to the inside of her. Never breached the surface. Never penetrated her life. There are photos of her ex. She looked happy and carefree with him. I wished she hadn't divorced him. I wished I wasn't me. Wished I hadn't been so dogged in my pursuit. Wished I could have erased this ugly legacy. And then, of course, I was struck by her beauty one last time, before closing the page. And it made me realize how different it is to be a woman, especially a desirable, pretty one. The amount of attention and validation on just one post was more than I get in two years. A larger realization: no wonder women don't need men anymore; they get all they need elsewhere.  

The all-day pain ended after the first week. After that, it comes in small waves, and in bigger waves when I'm alone. Sometimes I have to argue with myself because I want to call her and say I can't do this, that we have to figure out another way, but this is her decision. I have urges to reach out but must respect her wishes. She deserves to be with someone who makes her feel as light and lovely as a butterfly. I imagine them together. I wish her nothing but happiness and joy and freedom and all of God's blessings. She's come a long way, thanks to the Lord. Amen. 

For the record, yes, I chased her for years, but there was a lot of push/pull from her, as well. I'm not insane. It did seem like she wanted me many times during the last 7-plus years. When all was said and done, did I appear foolish or brave? I hope brave, because that's how I felt most often. 

What is the next move? Life keeps throwing things at me. Some of it I see coming and some I don't. Just staying close to Jesus and taking it day by day. If He can get me through my worst-case scenario, then I know He can get me through anything. Amen. 

Thank you for reading. And God bless.

Christian blog: a-better-hope.blogspot.com

And my other blog, None Dare Call It Treason.