my careless contagion

Doing better. Still feel sad some days but am in a better place than a few weeks ago. The restorative and regenerative power of God’s love is amazing . I couldn’t do it. I gave up. God said it’s not good to sit in the pain; it’s time to get up. He walked me out of it.  God showed me the difference between responsibilities regarding my decisions versus the same with others’ decisions. I didn’t respect the decision of the woman to stop pursuing marriage and friendship. My role was to accept,  not fight it. It was not my decision, therefore I had no power to change it. I can override decisions in my household and some at work. And I can effect change in the spiritual. The issue of the letters is put to bed. I will not send them. I am not to blame for their separation and divorce. It was with a sigh of relief that this thing that bothered me for years was resolved. I was finally and forever free! I wish it hadn’t happened, just as I wish the end of my relationship to the woman h...

It's hard to encapsulate what I went through the last few months in a few posts. Just doing little snapshots. Together, they form a collage or tapestry of thoughts and feelings, things broken and things coming together.  I felt something happen Tuesday, August 20. I felt it in my spirit. Something changed as I sat in the dentist's chair after work that day. I don't know what it was, but I felt a breaking, release, vexation, a sudden realization that life wasn't going to be the same. I dissociated and felt I was floating on clouds for days. (I even switched dentists.) Whatever it was, it was big. I am what many would describe as an empath, but this was something out of the ordinary. It was like a shudder or shift in the spirit realm.  When everything went down in September, I didn't realize it at the time, but there was an undetected spiritual attack. It was separate from what happened with me and the girl, yet it came at the same time. I had my focus on the letter a...

Just a collection of thoughts. I have no one to share with. This is probably the last time I write about this. What to say about the last 8 years? My health is worse. My soul suffered greatly . My personality isn't even the same. I lost myself. I’m recovering and healing and doing better every day. Not chasing something that doesn’t want me made an immediate difference. They say the pain you feel is your love returning to you, which explains why it was so bad. I am okay now. I have nothing but respect for the woman I chased. I was never critical of her. The following are observations only. Let me make it clear I don’t blame her. There were other factors. This particular thing just got to me like nothing else. The whole thing was deeply humbling. I looked up my experiences and reaction, and it is common. Mine was milder than some. That made me feel better.  Our misunderstandings and miscommunication were legendary, almost like we were doing it on purpose. For instance, I would make ...

The way forward after romantic disappointment is hard to see in the immediate aftermath. After much prayer and seeking God, I compiled statements that helped me define the way forward. They were helpful for me; maybe they will be for someone else. If I can prevent even a little heartbreak, it will be worth it. I forgive them. I forgive myself. Pray for them and ask God to bless them with healing or whatever they need the most.  I'm sad it ended, but I know I will be okay. Time and healing. You'll get there. It may be hard to see right now, but hang in there and you will look back in wonder at how far you've come.  What happened doesn't define me. I refuse to see myself as rejected. God loves and accepts me, and there is no higher love than His.  It wasn't all bad. There were good things, too. It's okay to remember the good things about the relationship. Recognize those were real moments and the feelings you had were real.  It's healthy to let go when things ...

The Love of My Life is a lovely book by British author Rosie Walsh. The Brits do some good writing, I must say, though I'm mostly familiar with classic English literature, the kind that makes you want to go for a walk on the heath or throw yourself off a chalk cliff. I wonder how many people who read romance novels realize the idea of romantic love is a relatively new construct. In fact, romance novels did much to popularize it. There is some argument, of course, but historians generally agree marrying for love is a new concept and not a base instinct. Romantic love, as we call it, lasts no longer than 3 years. No wonder so many marriages fail. True, love is just a choice we make, otherwise the Bible wouldn't tell us to love one another or for husbands to love their wives, etc. It's a choice. But, for most, they need the feeling of falling in love first. That chemical bond is necessary. Hormones. Attraction. A woman knows within seconds if she wants to make love to a man. M...

A good man, they say, is hard to find. That's possibly true, though not as true as some would like to believe. Men had to unlearn how to be men in the face of feminism, which robs us of our God-given drive to love, protect, and provide for those God puts in our lives. I often have the urge to help a woman (say she's stuck in a snowbank or can't lift something), but unless she asks, I hesitate. Why? I don't want to be the creepy guy no one asked for but showed up anyway. I'm sorry, but that's the world now.  These are some things I gathered about good men. These are not all me (I'd like to think I'm a good man), but I am some of these things. I will say this: a good man is a game-changer, not just for women but everyone they affect. When a woman loves a man, that love multiplies. She gives him much more than just herself. It's hard to explain, but that's how it works. Women are amazing and created by God to do certain things. What they do, I canno...

I woke at 1 am one morning and wrote this. I love how effortless writing about that girl is. If everything in life was as easy, life would be a completely different experience. Can I kiss you? He thought he should ask, but he never did. As it turned out, he didn’t need to. He simply cupped her face and kissed her. It wasn’t a great kiss, but neither of them cared. She closed her eyes, and when he pulled away, it was like electricity went through them both. She lit up, her eyes wide and wondering. He said I see my future in your eyes. I want to share my life with you. But I don’t know how to do this. Please just take my hand and let’s do it together. We’ll figure it out. We’ll make a way, starting right now, if you want. You can think about it. (She didn’t seem to need to hear that.) Let’s move forward. It won’t always be easy, but nothing good or worth doing is ever without trouble. We aren’t perfect people, but we are perfect for one another. It was clear they loved one another. It wa...

Yeah. Random stuff. I wanted to dump a bunch of files and comment about them. It keeps me writing but in a different way. Writing about fun stuff draws me in that direction. It remains to be seen how fun this is. The more I go in the direction of happiness and fun, the more I will have that in my life. That is where I am now. Just having fun and trying to stay on the sunny side of the street. I'm happy and doing well, in case anyone wondered about me. If not, I understand. I didn't think about you either. Haha. Kidding. Whoever you are. Thanks for reading! And happy new year!  Yeah, I know. Nobody cares, especially at this stage in the game. But I'm going to have fun with this post, like it or not.  For some reason, when I open Instagram, I see stuff like this. I don't see models. I see this. Why? Because this is what I look at. IG learns and shows more stuff like this. Haha. Opossums and raccoons saying stupid stuff. I love it. Some of it is pretty bizarre. If you need...