When you meet a good man
A good man, they say, is hard to find. That's possibly true, though not as true as some would like to believe. Men had to unlearn how to be men in the face of feminism, which robs us of our God-given drive to love, protect, and provide for those God puts in our lives. I often have the urge to help a woman (say she's stuck in a snowbank or can't lift something), but unless she asks, I hesitate. Why? I don't want to be the creepy guy no one asked for but showed up anyway. I'm sorry, but that's the world now.
These are some things I gathered about good men. These are not all me (I'd like to think I'm a good man), but I am some of these things. I will say this: a good man is a game-changer, not just for women but everyone they affect. When a woman loves a man, that love multiplies. She gives him much more than just herself. It's hard to explain, but that's how it works. Women are amazing and created by God to do certain things. What they do, I cannot. What men do, women are not built to do. That's why good men are irreplaceable.
Many times, good men are cast aside, yet many women ask, "Where are the good men?" You've met them, but you cast them aside. It wasn't what you were looking for. We don't have the flash that bad men have. We are often considered boring. Bookish. Nerdy. But we are drama-free and dependable. We come in all shapes and sizes. There's one that fits you, too! What I've seen is women expect all men to act alike. Good men don't act like the others, though. You have to change your expectations. He's going to treat you better. It's going to feel weird at first, especially if you've been with a man for any length of time who wasn't good for you. You've been programmed to expect to be treated a certain way, and a good man will challenge your expectations. That's a good thing!
A rule of thumb is this: men are taught from a young age how to treat a woman, yet they are not taught what to expect from a woman. The reverse is true for women. They are taught how to expect being treated by a man, yet they aren't taught how to treat a man. Typically, that's how that goes. A good man will treat you well. You will be his one and only. Other women don't hold a candle to you. It's going to feel weird because you are used to trying to keep a man's attention on you, but you don't have to work for his attention. You already have it. What do you do now? Is there something wrong with him? He must be a beta, right? Alphas are always on the prowl. That's a perversion of masculinity that more closely hews to the animal kingdom than how a godly human male who loves a woman will act. You won't merely be an option to a good man. You'll be his everything. If a man loves a woman, she is more than enough for him. He won't want more. Except more of her, perhaps.
He has a life. He has hobbies. He devotes his time to things he cares about. And one of those things is you. He should make time for you. He doesn't have to devote all day every day to you, but he's gotta be there when you need him. If he's always working, for example, that's a form of infidelity, in my mind. A man who works 16 hours a day isn't rare, but he also needs to take care of those around him. If a man lives and breathes his work, there may be some internal issues he needs to take care of and perhaps needs to downshift. Your people are more important than you and your thing that you do. Your girl is important. Your family is important. Be there. A good man will agree with this sentiment.
He will respect your wishes. He will also avail himself to a certain amount of abuse from you, but this will damage your relationship. Rectify that before it goes too far and you lose him. A good man will often take a lot of abuse from his girl or his family. He won't take it personally. And then one day he does. Men are good at dealing with friction. We like conflict, in general, but we don't from our loved ones. Don't push him too far. You may not get him back. I've been there. If you don't value, appreciate, or love him, eventually he will figure it out. We are conditioned to accept pain in all areas of our lives for extended periods of time, but we shouldn't have to endure it from you. I'm not saying relationships should be a rose garden. None of us expect that. We fix things. We encounter problems and want to fix them. Including what's going on with you. We show up and put in the effort because that's how we are built. Don't push that mechanism to the point of breaking. That's all I'm saying.
He will undo the damage done by an inferior male. Dads. Exes. Whatever. He will step up to the plate and cause you to unlearn all that crap. You will trust again. You will love again. He will make it happen. Not because he's trying. Just by virtue of being virtuous. If he's a godly man, you will also feel God's love flowing through him. Not only that, but he will lead you closer to the Lord. If you find a man like that, you are blessed.
He will help you heal. If you spent x number of years in a bad relationship, expect to heal under his care and guidance. Don't kick against the pricks, so to speak. It may be difficult for a time to understand the conflicting emotions you feel. You expect him to do those bad things to you, but he won't. He's there to protect you. Eventually your misgivings will give way to trust and you will feel the safety and security of his arms and appreciate it for what it is. It's love. You're feeling his love. You didn't know what you were feeling, but now you do. You're welcome.
You won't have to work for his love and attention. You don't have to attain anything. You already have it. If you feel you have to work for it, that's your old programming. He doesn't expect you to do anything. Just enjoy how he sees you and treat him right in return. It's so easy. This is too easy for a lot of women. They want to pull a man. They want to catch him. If you have to pull him, he's not for you. He should already be there. The stability and lack of drama will feel weird for a while. The need of an abused woman to feel jealousy, inferiority, and low self-esteem are well documented. Those needs will be replaced by something incredibly foreign to her when she's with a good man. It will feel strange to her for a while because she doesn't respond to him in the same way as she's used to. Much of her emotions were hinged on something that was changeable, but this new man isn't like that. He's solid. Something is growing between them, and it doesn't vacillate between hot or cold. She doesn't have to wonder. He isn't pushing her away and alternatingly love bombing her. He's just straight-up loving her. She can push him away and then wonder why he doesn't chase her as hard. Because he respects your need for space. Push him away too many times and he will take that as a no from you. If he knows you've been abused in the past, he will hopefully respond in a firm but loving way to being pushed away because he understands you don't get it yet. You don't see what he's offering you. He isn't disrespecting you by staying close by. He's just waiting for you to see him.
He isn't high-maintenance. But don't neglect him. He doesn't need a lot from you. He isn't needy. But men need some assurance, too. A little goes a long way with a good man. He's kind of like the family dog. Love him once in a while and he's yours forever. You can beat that dog if you want and he will remain loyal, but now it's mingled with fear, and that's a little secret you probably shouldn't know. Yes, you can mistreat him and he will still love you. Treat him right, regardless. Seriously. A lot of women figure this out at some point and they use this fact to gain control of their men. Ladies, you're tearing down your own house with your hands. Men are a bit like machines. You take care of them, and they take care of you.
He will do you more good than harm. If he's a godly man, there won't even be any harm. If you have an abusive past, it will take time for you to realize the harm isn't coming. You're used to trusting a man and feeling his love bombing ... and you wait for him to hurt you, but it never comes. You may actually get disappointed by this fact. You have to unlearn that expectation. This man is a game-changer, remember?
Someday you will forget what wounded you. It may take a few years. You will still carry the memories, but you'll forget the impact. It will be a distant memory. If you put your trust and affection into that good man, I promise you one day you'll forget so much that came before him. When he touches you, you may still expect to be treated like a piece of meat. Unlearn that. This man wants you close to him. He wants to feel you. Open yourself to the love flowing through his hands and arms and chest when he holds you close. He loves your body because it's you. This will blow open your whole world when you accept him loving you for who you are and stop trying to be good enough for him. It won't make sense for a while why he loves you. You don't have to earn it. You're already good enough. He chose you. He loves you. Let him love you. Your heart will respond in time. He wants you to know he understands your need for safety and security before you return his love. You've been vulnerable and mistreated before. He knows what that did to you. He won't let that happen on his watch. His hands tell what's in his heart.
He wants to do things for you. He may not even be that capable of doing them, but let him anyway. All men have this desire. It will make his day. It's part of our core programming to do things for those around us. Someone once said men wouldn't do anything if there weren't women. Well, forget for a moment how that kind of world is even possible and you'll see it's true. We'd still be living in caves or tents. We wouldn't have built cities or skyscrapers or stadiums, museums, or libraries. There would be no poetry, love letters, movies, or books. Let us do stuff for you. It doesn't have to be big stuff. Even if we fix something wrong, give us a pat on the shoulder and a "good job." You have no idea how fulfilling that is for us.
It's important to him what you do, what you want, what you say, etc. If you were with a man in the past who didn't make you feel heard or felt, get ready to have your expectations shattered by a good man. You matter to him. His attention may be on something else a lot of the time. All you have to do is ask him if he has five minutes if you feel something has to be said. Guaranteed he will will break away from everything else and give you that attention. Men are always doing stuff. Tell us you need something from us and it's yours. That other stuff is details. You are the main attraction.
He isn't perfect, but if you let him in, you'll fall in love with him. He may not be the best-looking guy or the most talented, but he's the kind of guy you need.
Don't let what you had in the past dissuade you from experiencing a good man. It may feel strange for a time, but you'll get used to it, and then you'll wonder how you ever did without him. Don't worry, he won't let you do without him, either. He's in this for you. You are his prize.
Christian blog: a-better-hope.blogspot.com
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