Control (Zoe Wees)


I don't know if she still reads here. I don't know if she thinks about me much anymore. I really don't know much, but I know she means the world to me. I see her trying. She's afraid. She's holding on to what she knows. She's afraid of what she doesn't know. I wish it was easier. Someday it will be. I know she'll be okay. I know because my Father told me. 

When someone has been through hell in a relationship, they don't have the same fire to begin again. The fire is gone, but the need for love remains. The struggle of that person is a spectacular thing. It is a precious fight for sanity and safety and to not lose oneself in love. I want her to know it will be okay. We will both be okay. Because neither of us are in control. There is One who is in control, and He knows our struggles. He sees every tear and frustration, every moment of terror. Every fear. Every time we look in the mirror and wonder if they see what we see. Every moment we see that slippery slope and hold ourselves in check. We check that door and check it again, and sure enough, it's open. But why? Why now? Because love doesn't come at a convenient time. But it comes when we need it. 

Everyone who endured cheating and/or abuse has a struggle with beginning again. The intimacy. The laughter. The vulnerability. The thoughts of forever. It can be terrifying. To the one struggling, I pray you can put aside your fear and try again, and try again with God. Let Him go before you. Hold His hand. It's worth it. He created them man and woman, two pieces of one thing. Going through life alone is hard. It wasn't meant to be done alone. 

Take my hand, dear. You're not in this alone. I don't want to live my life without you. I waited this long because I found the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, and she is you. (If you don't share the sentiment, I understand. I know you'll tell me at the right time.) I put myself out there time and time again because I value you so much. I was willing to risk getting hurt again and again because the prize is that special. I'm still lost in you, even after all these years. I tried to make this work with all my might, but God makes this prosper. I believe we have God's blessing. All that's left is to do it. 

The times I had with you were the best memories of my life. Those memories are seared into my brain. Holding your hand in the movie theater. Hugging you goodbye. Holding you. Talking with you. Sharing meals. And thanking God for every moment with you. Wondering why I was so lucky. Wondering if my old body could endure these new feelings. Waking and thinking of you and praying for you. Loving you in poems and insipid texts alike. You were my muse. You still are. 

Dear reader, I loved her like I never loved anything before. I loved enough for both of us. I broke free of my walls and loved with abandon. Did it matter? I mean, she isn't mine. Of course. The Bible says love never fails. Every time I loved her, something good happened. Everything I gave to her is hers forever. All that love went somewhere. She felt it. I made love to her with my words. Those words went down into her soul, where they still live. She's still in my life. And it is a triumph to love again after enduring such pain in the past (yes, I was cheated on too and was made to feel used and cheap and dirty by the one who said they loved me). We never know how long something will endure (truly, as long as God blesses it), but we love anyway because that's how you live life. You don't know tomorrow, but you get up and do life anyway. She is the thing I want to do every day for the rest of my life. (Don't make that dirty.) Just living life with her. Being in her presence. Hearing her voice, which is the best sound I know. Being there for the ups and downs, sickness and health, good days and bad days. What a precious soul she is. How I adore her. I want her just as she is. She's my treasure. 

Thank you, Lord, for letting me have a bit more of her. I give you all control of this thing we have, whatever it is. It's yours to guide. Yours to bless. Yours to make work. Yours to prosper. Yours to do with as you please. It's out of my hands. I'm not in control. The song says, "I don't want to lose control," but I know when I relinquish control of what's in my heart to God, it's in safe hands. I love her, but I love God more. All blessings come from Him. Lord, I give you her, one of two things I love most besides you. (The other is my son.) She's yours. She always was. Thank you for all the time together you gave us. And whatever the future holds. Thank you for blessing me so much. Amen. I love you, Lord, and I love you, Cindy. 

Thank you for reading. And God bless.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Naked and Famous - Young Blood

Image
Maybe you were curious what happened to the guy who had his heart destroyed. Maybe you thought he was a pussy for crashing out over the biggest disappointment of his life. Maybe you never knew the backstory. Wandering through Gatsby’s abandoned mansion, you wondered what transpired. Maybe you just stumbled in. In any case, you’re here. [Could have split into two posts. To save space, I refer to my ex-wife as K and the woman I fell in love with after divorce as C.] There’s a scene in the movie Drive where a bad guy calmly slits a man’s wrist (the right way — the long way) and tells him to sit down, be calm, because, “It’s done, it’s over, there’s no pain.” That’s how I imagined C ending things. I held out my hand for a friendly goodbye handshake, and she slit my wrist cooly, as if it was her duty. But, it wasn’t over, and there was pain. I sat down, bleeding. I’m still here, and it still hurts.   I hate when people experience a small disruption and attach to it spiritual significanc...
Read more

A farewell to sex

Image
Living the life of a divorced man was something I never foresaw. Actually, being married was something I didn't foresee, as well. At this point in my life, I think I've been wandering around like a blind man most of the time. Nothing else can explain my utter cluelessness about everything.  When you get a divorce, you lose many things. Mostly, you lose the security of what you had. You lose money and things and people you thought would always be there. Men especially seem to be clueless about how to move on. Our male friendships don't support us through things like this. And, if you're a loner like me, you don't have that option anyway.  Above everything else, I miss sex. There are all kinds of sex that people can have. I just miss sex. Any kind. I'm a one woman kind of man, and I've only been with one woman. So, going out and having sex with some stranger won't work for me. I'm not built that way. The only option I have is to simply m...
Read more

She found me

Image
She found me lost and alone wavering like a metronome born into a hateful world she swallowed me in her arms and I was never the same One woman can change a man  one love, one touch, and one forever if you don't believe me just look at me now She loves me at my worst lifts me up when I feel done grants me access to a new world where I don't have to be perfect She's knows I'm just a man but treats me like I'm better, made of something swift and strong and forever young She also sees the scars etched deeply in my flesh I stand naked before her but she never judges What I am is changed her love changed me rearranged me put me back together better even made me look at myself and not hate what I saw Now I see why God gave woman to man what a blessing, what peace what a stunning realization so different from what I've always known And so I love her, too,  the same as she loves me with everything I have until my last breath what a beautiful woman to make such an ugly m...
Read more