my careless contagion

I don't know if she still reads here. I don't know if she thinks about me much anymore. I really don't know much, but I know she means the world to me. I see her trying. She's afraid. She's holding on to what she knows. She's afraid of what she doesn't know. I wish it was easier. Someday it will be. I know she'll be okay. I know because my Father told me.  When someone has been through hell in a relationship, they don't have the same fire to begin again. The fire is gone, but the need for love remains. The struggle of that person is a spectacular thing. It is a precious fight for sanity and safety and to not lose oneself in love. I want her to know it will be okay. We will both be okay. Because neither of us are in control. There is One who is in control, and He knows our struggles. He sees every tear and frustration, every moment of terror. Every fear. Every time we look in the mirror and wonder if they see what we see. Every moment we see that slip...

Above is a picture of Iron Cowboy, aka James Lawrence. Netflix is currently offering a documentary, which I have seen, about his ridiculous feats. See the description below.  I'm no Iron Cowboy. But I do have a lot of positive things going on! I'm not pushing my body like James Lawrence, but I am pushing boundaries and making gains. Many are small things, but small things add up. Everything matters, and I choose to not "despise the day of small beginnings." It's true that redheads have a measurably higher pain threshold than the rest of us, but that alone cannot explain James Lawrence's feats. Human beings are capable of amazing things. Even regular people like me can push boundaries in a good way! I dwell on problems here in my blog. That is deliberate. It's part of the understanding and problem-solving processes. However, to balance things out a bit, how about I post some positive stuff? Here we go.  I got a loveseat. This makes my livin...

I wonder about that girl who touched my life in so many ways. When we started talking, she was so strong and so brave. She made me smile on the inside and the outside in so many ways. I loved talking to her more than anything else. I thought we'd go on like that. I hoped we'd go on like that. But we didn't go on like that. Sadness crept into our conversations. I noticed it slowly at first. We both talked about our personal sadness. I imagined myself holding her tight, never letting go. That's all I wanted to do. I wanted her to know that she was loved and everything would be okay. If she cried in my arms, I would kiss her neck and whisper, "I love you, and I always will." I couldn't be what I wanted to be for her. I couldn't be anything. If there was a sideline to her life, I wasn't even there. I was further away than that; I couldn't even watch, much less partake. My hands were tied. I watched helplessly as the wolves surrounded he...

Thinking about making love to anyone but her is terrifying. She's the only thing that makes sense; she's the only one I want.  Thinking about having sex with her is like running out of air in five seconds and clawing for the surface of the water so I can breathe again. Everything goes black; everything short circuits. Just imagining being in the same room with her makes my whole body burn. Imagining being with her with her clothes off makes my head spin. Imaging sex with her ... isn't possible. I'll tear down the mountains and burn down the skies. I'll set fire to every household between us. I'll shake the stars from the dark night, take the sun and set it free from its path. There is such intensity running through me, I break, I sputter, I curse and I mutter. But there is nothing to be done. I am simply spinning my wheels, wishing for something that I cannot have. I'm beginning to wonder if I've simply lost my grip on reality. I'm in lov...