A positive update (and how I am vaguely like Iron Cowboy)

Above is a picture of Iron Cowboy, aka James Lawrence. Netflix is currently offering a documentary, which I have seen, about his ridiculous feats. See the description below. 

I'm no Iron Cowboy. But I do have a lot of positive things going on! I'm not pushing my body like James Lawrence, but I am pushing boundaries and making gains. Many are small things, but small things add up. Everything matters, and I choose to not "despise the day of small beginnings." It's true that redheads have a measurably higher pain threshold than the rest of us, but that alone cannot explain James Lawrence's feats. Human beings are capable of amazing things. Even regular people like me can push boundaries in a good way!

I dwell on problems here in my blog. That is deliberate. It's part of the understanding and problem-solving processes. However, to balance things out a bit, how about I post some positive stuff? Here we go. 

I got a loveseat. This makes my living room much more livable. This means my son doesn't have to sit on top of me while we read books at night. This means I don't have to sit in a chair that smells like cat piss (though I may keep the chair because I may need it when I move again someday). Also, the loveseat is a sleeper, so I can maybe have a guest someday! And I have room to sit next to a guest! No one wants to visit me, but still. It's at least possible to have someone visit now that I have a loveseat. Still, I hope whoever (imaginary person) visits me can endure being in close proximity to me at all times. At least there's a door on the bathroom.

Finances are good. I'm less than $2,000 from my goal for moving. I wanted to have a substantial pad in case something bad happens (or if I need to move again). I will have the money before the year is over, which is great. By the time I move, I may have a lot more than I planned on having! Some months I put away $1,000, which may not sound like much to some, but it's a lot to me. I think my finances are better than they were when I was married! This is also a good thing in case my parents sell their business, too, as I can be unemployed for a while without worrying about paying my bills.

I've done a significant amount of work on myself the last few years so it's nice to see some good fruits come from that. Some of these things may appear small. But to me, they mean a lot. I've struggled so hard against the seemingly impossible, so it's time to feel gratitude.

Mainly, I have been very willing to tackle the bad shit. I've dived into it, gotten dirty, gotten a little lost, and also gotten a lot done! I've solved so many puzzles and come so far from where I was. God is my guide, and the difficult form of self-directed therapy I've chosen has paid off. I feel very blessed to see progress.

I got an air conditioner! This is so helpful because I live downtown where it is both warmer (as the bricks hold heat) and noisier. My dad suggested it, so I can't take credit. I hate spending money when I don't have to, but this is a great buy. I can block out the noise of the bar, storms, bikes, and whatever else is going on. And I can sleep in a cool, dry room, which is what I prefer. A hot, moist room is maddeningly hard to sleep in.

Haha. I say this to my kid all the time.

I'm getting to know my son. I'm seeing his resistance to change, which once annoyed me, as a plus in so many ways. As long as I continue to teach him good things, they will stick with him for the rest of his life. He likes to plan, so I give him a heads-up as much as possible. I give him a roadmap for his day and week. He likes having that control, and it's not a burden for me to provide that. When he doesn't know what's going on, he gets frustrated. He's a very sensitive child, even though he seems to be very strong and confident. I've come to recognize that, which is good for both of us.

I have a good, reliable car. I'm currently looking for tires for it, too, as the ones it has don't do well in the wintery stuff. I have some money, and good tires are about the best thing a person can give their car. I value reliable things, so owning a Honda, which isn't high on many people's life-goals list, is a great blessing. My car is almost 8 years old, but I have no doubt it will continue to service my needs as long as I maintain it. At my age, that's a great thing. It doesn't make my blood pump faster, but it sure does take care of me. After having a truck that got 14 mpg (and broke down), getting 30 mpg consistently is also pretty nice. And I can still put a dead deer in the back if I want to! If I had my druthers, I would own a Mercedes because I think they are beautiful — muscular yet elegant (though it's hard to make any crossover look elegant) — but I have to be practical in my old age. My actual predilection would be a Honda Accord, which is just a ridiculously good car. I don't know why Honda continues to make such a good car for a dying segment, but they do. I mean, it's been on Car & Driver's Ten Best list for 33 years! It drives great, is comfortable, is bulletproof reliable, and doesn't look too bad (which is a matter of taste, I realize). If they made an AWD version, I'd be in one. So I'll keep my CR-V, which is Civic-based, because it has AWD. And because I'm cheap and I don't want to buy a newer car, even though I probably should.

There is plenty of food in my apartment. I never have to feel the lack of sustenance. Growing up, I was often hungry and would tear into the pantry when I got home after school. Looking at old pictures reinforces the notion that there were many meager meals. I won't starve. I don't have the best food in the world, but that's okay.

I don't mind being alone. Sometimes I prefer being alone, in fact. Sure, I'd rather be around people I love, but not being terrified of being alone is a huge thing. I have things to keep me occupied and a very active brain, so I never feel like I'm alone. Part of why I can do this is my relationship with my Heavenly Father. Part of it is just my nature, my independent streak. And part of it is just how dreadfully tired I feel all the time.

The last few years have been incredibly hard on me — mentally, emotionally, even physically — so right now I feel a tremendous letdown in all those areas. I feel exhausted. I will allow myself to feel this lull because I need it. I need to decompress and feel spent before I even think about moving in a specific direction. This is a very important recognition. I cannot stress this enough. This is healthy and normal, but it's not something I've ever given myself. It's a true gift. Finally, I can relax and heal. Whoever gave this to me, thank you.

Okay, that's just a weird picture. Why does he have paddles for hands?

Surprisingly, I have very few health complaints for my age. Some moments I wonder if there is something wrong with me, but maybe that is just in my head. I've asked God to heal my heart after self-diagnosing bradycardia and have seen no heart rate readings below 60 since then. It could be my heart rate jumps when I check it, giving a false reading, but all recent readings have been normal. 

My divorce has given me peace. And I am at peace with my divorce. I can say with 100 percent assurance it was one of the best things I've ever done. I'm certainly sorry for the pain I've caused those close to me, but it's possible divorce saved my life.

I have many God-given talents. Hopefully, I can use all of them before I die. Learning how to be obedient should allow for that. 

Not owning a home has freed me from the burden and time-suck of taking care of things, which has allowed me to get my head right and also do many things I've been wanting to do for years. Freedom from owning a lot of things has also given me peace of mind. I'm tired of taking care of things.

I have my favorite things. One of those things is listening to playlists on Spotify while I plow through my Tumblr feed. It puts my brain in a different space, a space I don't normally go. It's calming and invigorating at the same time. Whatever hungry thing it feeds in me is very thankful. 

Hobbies. I have lots of interesting hobbies. Okay, maybe they aren't interesting to everyone, but they are interesting to me. I don't always sit around and watch TV, though there is nothing wrong with that. My range of interests is very wide. I love to learn new things. I like to push myself to understand things. 

One of the most important things I have learned the last couple of years is that I am okay. For a long time, I didn't think I would be okay. Divorcing the woman who was in my life for more than 20 years, though necessary, was very hard. Losing the woman I was dreadfully in love with at the same time compounded my pain. But I am okay. It wasn't easy to ford that river of pain. But now I stand on the opposite shore and am not scared of the future. I did what I thought was impossible. What can the world do to me that could be worse than all of that? I won't tempt fate and ask that too many times. 

Though I have many talents, I am also bereft of talent in many areas. My willpower fills in. My son is currently taking swimming lessons. He hates it some days because it puts him out of his comfort zone. This bothers his grandparents. But I said it's okay for him to struggle. I failed the first couple of years I did swim lessons. I was in with the little kids, holding my breath and blowing bubbles, whatever. I was terrible! But I kept at it, even joining swim team after we moved from my hometown. I was never very good. I got disqualified a lot. But I tried! And I eventually became a mediocre swimmer, which is all I could really ask. It shows that growth is possible even though there is no natural talent. 

I've mentioned this many times before, but it bears repeating. I'm thankful I got to fall in love with the loveliest woman I've ever known. I'm thankful for the time she loved me, too. Though she no doubt feels nothing but remorse about our relationship, for me, it was the best time of my life. She is the best, and if I can't have the best, that's okay. I can live with that. If you shoot for the stars, do you really expect to hit them? No, that's silly. But I have no regrets about that. I'll remember holding her for the rest of my life, and that's more than I could have ever dreamed. The whole thing was completely unexpected and completely undeserved. It was like holding an angel who fell to earth for a while, and then she left me and went back home. That's the best way I can put it.

The proverbial dust has settled in my life (at least for now). That's good. I'm tired, so I will rest before the next storm hits. I know I have a lot of work ahead of me, but I'm not afraid of that. I'm very grateful for every day, challenges and all.

Thanks for reading.