300

For this post, I reprise my role as Sad Keanu. Go away, bird.

This post is a milestone — post number 300!

I've been writing steadily for more than a year and a half (sometimes posting multiple times a day) about my various struggles. This space is a safe, healing place where I can fall apart and reassemble myself in front of a largely anonymous audience. In short, this is my therapy. But I need a break. 

I've put so many thoughts and feelings here in a relatively short amount of time, and after my recent trip to Nebraska, I decided to slow down. There feels like a backlog of things I need to process. There are four drafts I have yet to post, three of which contain some beautiful sentiments, so I will post them. The fourth post I've been working on for weeks and is tentatively titled "Fifty reasons why I won't get the girl." I have not decided whether it will be seen or not. On one hand, it is part of my thought process and needs to be documented here. On the other hand, I feel I am not ready to face the reality of what it means. And therein lies the rub. 

Recently a friend told me my thoughts and feelings about Cindy are obsessive and scary. I have to admit, if it wasn't me writing it, I would say the same thing. I know I'm harmless. I just feel deeply. And I don't know where all the feelings came from, but they are powerful and she is unlike anyone I've ever known. She deserves to be loved deeply by a devoted man such as me. However, my friend is right to ask how I'm going to take all of this when it finally ends. I could hold up remarkably well. Or I could simply fall off a cliff into an abyss of depression for the rest of my life. But, she ended our relationship twice now. I survived. I don't know how it will end for me this time, though, because I've never loved a woman this much before. It not only has depth but endurance. Anyway, one question I want to answer is, "Are my feelings for her healthy?" After rereading some of my posts over the last year and a half, I'm starting to wonder. Poetry and prose like that is something I have never written about anyone else. It is either something truly special or ... I don't know.

The fourth draft I mentioned is a bridge of sorts. It has already helped me see the inevitability of not getting the girl and the sheer ridiculousness of thinking I could have her. I will probably be devastated when it is finally a reality. I think this is one reason why Cindy has been so shy to tell me to get lost once and for all. She doesn't want to inflict that kind of damage on a human being. I may need more than this blog after that happens. I may need professional therapy. But I strive for the truth, no matter how hard it is to hear. This blog has proven that. Still, she had no problem severing ties with me twice now, so maybe that's just in my head. Furthermore, I don't believe any person should feel responsible for another person's emotions. If she needs to sever ties with me once and for all, then I will respect that. I have shown myself to be willing to understand her and be respectful of her process. In the same way, I would respect her final decision. I'm not sure there's another man who would be so willing to do what I have done in all of this, but, then again, maybe I think of myself too highly.

The fact of the matter is I would have walked away already, and, indeed, I tried to many times, but when I prayed about this very thing in December of 2017, God gave me a very strange answer. It has puzzled me ever since. So I will wait the amount of time He told me to wait, and then I will have my answer, one way or the other. (It's not much time I have to wait, so it appears I need to prepare for the inevitable because it looks like I truly need a miracle to happen.) What He told me to do was the hardest thing in the world for me to do. He said to be patient and obedient. Really simple stuff. If He had given me a checklist of 50 things to do, I would have been much happier with that. Waiting and doing essentially nothing requires me to sit still and trust. Why is that so much harder than a checklist? It gets at the heart of what it means to be a Christian and have faith — it means I am not in control. With something as precious as how I feel about this girl, that should give me peace, but like a grabby little kid, I just want the controls in my hand, no matter the mess it may make.

The most puzzling thing is why God would even let me be with this girl. I sincerely don't believe I deserve her, especially after mishandling our relationship during our mutual separations. What I did was sinful, and I have repented. But God has a whole world of blessings for His people, many of which are available no matter how many times we've screwed up. Is she one of those blessings I can have? Was this just another lesson for dim, old Joshua?

So here's my theory. It's not about getting the girl. That's not the endgame. It would be a wonderful blessing if God would allow that. I would be eternally grateful. She is a special gift for whoever she ends up with. But it's not about that. It's about the lesson learned. It's what God wants to teach me through the process of waiting and being obedient. I know God always accomplishes more than one thing whenever He does something in our lives because He is an economist. So, it's more than that. But that's all I can guess at right now.

So, yes, I'm going to take a break and thoroughly prepare myself for not getting the girl. I have learned the lesson of protecting my heart. I am a lover. I have a big, dumb heart. It wants to love a specific woman and wrap her up in my arms as many times as possible before I die. And that's probably another thing I should mention. When I self-diagnosed my heart recently, I cried, but not for the obvious reason which is there is something dreadfully wrong with me (and most likely won't live as long as I would have without this condition). I cried because I never expected to love a woman like her in my life, and for some reason, I got that chance. I was overwhelmed with gratitude. If I never get the girl, at least I had my moment with her (which encompassed only a few months). And maybe that should be enough. Because maybe this dumb heart can't handle another 20 years of love coursing through it. Not only that, but I think I've known something is wrong for years, and maybe that's why I have loved so hard. This could very well be my best years. All our lives are essentially limited-time offers, but maybe mine is especially so.

All speculation aside, it appears to be time to take a break and disconnect from some of these strong feelings I have. Embrace my reality. Step away from some things. If I want God to bless my future relationship, I have to be obedient. So that's my focus. 

Thank you for reading. It is truly a gift to know someone is reading this blog. There are at least three posts coming, and I hope to be back soon. I wouldn't want Sad Keanu to be sad all by himself.