my careless contagion

For this post, I reprise my role as Sad Keanu. Go away, bird. This post is a milestone — post number 300! I've been writing steadily for more than a year and a half (sometimes posting multiple times a day) about my various struggles. This space is a safe, healing place where I can fall apart and reassemble myself in front of a largely anonymous audience. In short, this is my therapy. But I need a break.  I've put so many thoughts and feelings here in a relatively short amount of time, and after my recent trip to Nebraska, I decided to slow down. There feels like a backlog of things I need to process. There are four drafts I have yet to post, three of which contain some beautiful sentiments, so I will post them. The fourth post I've been working on for weeks and is tentatively titled "Fifty reasons why I won't get the girl." I have not decided whether it will be seen or not. On one hand, it is part of my thought process and needs to be documented her...

Back to You by Selena Gomez seems like a typical pop song. It has some really strange pauses, which is really annoying. The video reminds me of a weird French movie or something, which is also annoying. The video is saying that the boy and girl will choose the same adventure they chose to abandon.  Since I've had so much time to think about these things, I may as well put as many down as I have time to write. Here's another art-imitating-life or life-imitating-art kind of things. How many people truly have someone they are still in love with but have no contact with? I think about myself, then I pause and consider all of the people I have known. Surely I'm not alone in this strange fixation. My heart loves a girl who is not mine. I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I'm simply asking, "How alone am I?" About two years ago, a woman messaged me on Facebook. She was asking about my oldest brother. The backstory is she was the reason my family moved from...