Back to you

Back to You by Selena Gomez seems like a typical pop song. It has some really strange pauses, which is really annoying. The video reminds me of a weird French movie or something, which is also annoying. The video is saying that the boy and girl will choose the same adventure they chose to abandon. 

Since I've had so much time to think about these things, I may as well put as many down as I have time to write. Here's another art-imitating-life or life-imitating-art kind of things. How many people truly have someone they are still in love with but have no contact with? I think about myself, then I pause and consider all of the people I have known. Surely I'm not alone in this strange fixation. My heart loves a girl who is not mine. I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I'm simply asking, "How alone am I?"

About two years ago, a woman messaged me on Facebook. She was asking about my oldest brother. The backstory is she was the reason my family moved from the Black Hills more than 30 years ago. She was obsessed with my oldest broker. She purportedly was pregnant with his child but had an abortion. To this day, I have no idea if that was true or a manipulative lie. She came to my brother's away basketball games even though we lived in a town six hours away in another state. She was at his graduation. She was more than just a stalker. She made our lives, even after we moved, very difficult. 

So, thirty years later, she's still asking me about him. I never replied to her message. I'm sure I would have let her have some of my pent-up frustration with her. She's one of the reasons why I decided to stay away from women for so long. She's the reason why we had to move away from my beloved Black Hills. I'm sure I would have said something hurtful, and I didn't want to say anything hurtful. I didn't want to talk to her. 

How many women like her are still pining for someone they knew in high school or college or whenever? How many men still think about that cheerleader or older sister's friend who they had a crush on 20 years ago? In this era, it's easy to follow up on people, track them down, befriend them again if you're so bold. I've looked up old girlfriends. I wasn't in love with them, though. I was just curious. 

The woman I'm in love with. Well, she's different. And I tell myself my situation is different from all of those other love fools. Maybe it is. Maybe it isn't. Who knows? All I know is this feeling of lost love, this feeling of "let's have a do-over" is seemingly universal. If there's a pop song that says, "If I could do it all again, I know I'd go back to you," then surely millions of people share this sentiment. 

It helps me to know that I'm not the only one to feel these things. To overthink everything, as the song says. To want a do-over with the love of my life. If only life was as simple as a pop song video and we could just say our lines and do it again. 

Lyrics:

Took you like a shot
Thought that I could chase you with a cold evening
Let a couple years water down how I'm feeling about you
(Feeling about you)
And every time we talk
Every single word builds up to this moment
And I gotta convince myself I don't want it
Even though I do (even though I do)

You could break my heart in two
But when it heals, it beats for you
I know it's forward, but it's true

I wanna hold you when I'm not supposed to
When I'm lying close to someone else
You're stuck in my head and I can't get you out of it
If I could do it all again
I know I'd go back to you
I know I'd go back to you
I know I'd go back to you

We never got it right
Playing and replaying old conversations
Overthinking every word and I hate it
'Cause it's not me ('cause it's not me)
And what's the point in hiding?
Everybody knows we got unfinished business
And I'll regret it if I didn't say
This isn't what it could be (isn't what it could be)

You could break my heart in two
But when it heals, it beats for you
I know it's forward, but it's true

I wanna hold you when I'm not supposed to
When I'm lying close to someone else
You're stuck in my head and I can't get you out of it
If I could do it all again
I know I'd go back to you
I know I'd go back to you 
I'd go back to you
I'd go back to you
What was there wasn't sure
But I'd go back to you
I know I'd go back to you

You can break my heart in two
But when it heals, it beats for you
I know it's forward, but it's true
Won't lie, I'd go back to you
You know, my thoughts are running loose
It's just a thing you make me do
And I could fight, but what's the use?
I know I'd go back to you

I wanna hold you when I'm not supposed to
When I'm lying close to someone else
You're stuck in my head and I can't get you out of it
If I could do it all again
I know I'd go back to you
I'd go back to you
I'll go back to you
I know I'd go back to you
(I'd go back to you, I'd go back to you)
I know I'd go back to you