Happier

Happier is an unfortunately appropriate song for my life. The video tries to lighten the impact of the song by making it about a girl's relationship with her dog. As with any piece of art, the application is up to the viewer (or listener). For myself, I see the meaning of having to let someone go so they could be happy.

It's a sad thing to realize that your very presence in someone's life has brought about unhappiness. It's even sadder to realize you have to let them go in order for them to be happy again. The worst thing is when you realize you cannot undo the sadness you've wrought in their life. 

I've had this feeling in every single one of my relationships. I have always felt like I was saddening the other person in some way, like I just could not measure up. When I realized I wasn't ever going to measure up to Cindy, that she was too good for me, I effectively let her go. She was thereafter with a much better man than me. He's accomplished so much more in his life than I ever will. He's a better person, even though he has his faults. Clearly, she made the best choice she could have. He could have made better decisions, though.

Having to let her go the second time has been demoralizing beyond comprehension. Thinking for a moment I could be with her — only to realize once again I could not — has been a blow I did not need at this point in my life. Perhaps I will always reach for things beyond my little world. Perhaps I will always fall short. But one has to try. 

When Kate, my ex-wife, wanted out of our marriage, it pained me to know I could not change her mind. It pained me to know I was never going to be enough for her. But I have always wished her happiness. I knew I could not give it to her. That's sad. But, you know what? That's realistic. None of us can expect another human being to give us lasting happiness. 

I thought that if she left me, she would be happy. I thought someone else could make her happy. I thought that by my retreating, she could find what she needed. But if my presence couldn't make her happy, then could my leaving make her happy? Something doesn't add up.

There is a Leonard Cohen song (Famous Blue Raincoat) that contains the line, "Thanks for the trouble you took from her eyes. I thought it was there for good, so I never tried." Maybe we all think that someone else can make our lover happier than we can. When you think about it, it's too much of a burden. Can I even manage my own happiness? I gave up my own happiness to try to make a woman happy. And I failed. Clearly, I cannot let that happen again. I can support someone, love someone, feel what they feel even, but I cannot make another person happy. Even by leaving.

So this is an about-face of sorts. I won't chase my happiness. I won't chase someone else's happiness. I won't imagine I'm capable of more than I am. I'm not a Superman. I'm barely a regular man. 

My heart yearns for all of us to be happier. My wish is that all of this pain is temporary. While I may not be able to bring happiness about for anyone, that won't prevent me from praying everyone finds it. If not today, then tomorrow.