Fatherhood
My son sometimes feels like the easiest person in the world to live with. He's smart, vocal, clear about his opinions, and wants to do the right thing. The flipside of that is a monster I cannot even see around. It fills the room and all I can see is that beast staring at me — immobile, resistant, defiant, foul, and hateful.
Parenting is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Doing it alone is even harder. My heart hurts for all the single moms and dads trying to make a living, trying to raise good kids, and trying to have a life (if that's even possible). It is the single most humbling task I've committed myself to. I never go to sleep at night thinking I've done a good job. Somehow I always feel like a failure. Maybe the point isn't to succeed. Maybe the point is to just know that in spite of my trying this or that, my kid is going to grow up and do stuff and be okay. Or he won't. Maybe I'll see it. Maybe I won't. Some things are out of my control.
My son is a control freak like his mom. He's stubborn, rebellious, and sometimes too smart for me. All I can do is pray God clues me in to solutions before it is too late.
I was staring at him tonight as he played with his toys, completely unable to comprehend how he came to be from the two people he came from. While he resembles me in some ways, and I cannot deny he is mine, I have to admit, he's nothing like me.
Lee Brice's song Boy makes me take a contemplative step back. Maybe that's all that's needed when raising a child. Recognize they aren't you. They aren't their mother. They're something God created out of both of you, but they aren't either of you. They aren't like anyone who has ever been on this planet, in fact. They are unique. On a side note, is there a rule in country songwriting that says the girl in the song has to have blue eyes?
My job is to guide my son and to teach him. My goal has always been to ask what God would have him do. When I get the wooden spoon out for a spanking, does he fear me or does he fear the spoon? He shouldn't fear either; he should fear his Heavenly Father who is the judge of us all. That's what I'm trying to drive home. The commandment to obey his father and mother is a commandment with a promise — that his days will be long on the earth.
Part of my struggle as a father is the lack of a role model. My father was a distant, cold man. I remember him spanking me a handful of times, and all of those times because I broke something. It taught me that THINGS were important to my father. And things were more important than me. One time he spanked me, I thought he was going to kill me. I would call it a beating now, but I didn't know the difference then. When I chasten my son, I do so in love, and I always hold him and tell him I love him and take time to explain what he has clearly missed. And I never spank without giving him a warning. Whether or not he's spanked is entirely up to him. It's never something I want to do, however, I want my son to understand the consequences of his actions.
What I've come to understand about fatherhood is I'm being taught something. And possibly more than I could ever teach my son. I've become a different person after becoming a father. My priorities have changed, but that's just superficial. My insides have changed, as well. I think that's the whole point of God putting someone in your life to take care of and teach. It changes YOU. Well, I've changed. I'm a much humbler man now. While I may not be the best father in the world, I realize now that fatherhood offers many opportunities to learn and grow.
My boy will grow up fast. I'm already amazed by the person he is at 4 years old. He told me he wants to be an adult, and I told him he can be an adult his whole life, but he can only be a child once. One of us may be in a hurry for him to grow up, but the other wouldn't mind if he'd slow down a little. Either way, I have a lot to learn.
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