161 miles

161 miles. That was my total for the year.

When I was struggling to deal with my life at the beginning of 2018, I decided I wanted to keep track of something positive during the year. So, I decided to keep track of the miles I ran. I started out really strong in January, which is amazing because I'm sure the weather was crap. I ran 23 miles that month. The first half of the year was also strong, but with the sale of my house and with a 13-credit-hour load at school, I wasn't able to keep up that pace. Finally, in December, I finished with only two miles for a total of 161 for the year. That's not phenomenal, but it makes me realize that positive change is incremental. It makes me realize that a mile or two here really adds up.

I didn't add in all the miles hiking, and I'm sure I forgot to write down a few miles, so the actual expenditure of energy is much higher than the 161 miles. I also realized I hate running long distances, so those two-, three-, and four-mile runs turned into one-mile runs.  

What I have decided on is a more focused approach to my health. I've realized my stress level has been too high for too long and I've eaten crap which has compounded the precariousness of my health. That needs to change in the new year, but it won't be a priority until I'm finished with classes. My son will also be back in the picture, and I will have to find a way to work out and still watch him. I can't leave him alone in my apartment while I exercise for 20 minutes.

There's nothing really special about accumulating 161 miles in a year. It was important for me to see I could accomplish something over time, though. It was nice to see I could take small steps to make something big happen. It's a start. 

As 2018 draws to a close, I'm faced with the prospect of another year God has given me. My mindset is different as I close this year out and embrace another, far different from a year ago. I'm closer to my God. I'm more humble. I'm scarred. I'm scared. But I have not given up. 

Since this is my last post of the year, I want to make note of a significant milestone. It was about a year and a half ago when God told me I needed to be okay with being alone with Him, regardless of the outcome of my divorce or relationship with a certain woman. I was camping near Beulah, Wyoming, and was out of cell range, cut off from all contact for a night. Basically, I lost my shit when God told me that. I couldn't imagine a day that I would see God accomplish that in my life. In this last week, I realized that I actually would be okay if I had to say goodbye forever to the woman I love. That's not to say I would not be incredibly sad and heartbroken, but, rather, that I would not be devastated beyond repair. That's an important distinction. I'm not saying it wouldn't hurt. It would. I'm saying it wouldn't ruin me forever. 

My relationship is strong with my God and have leaned on Him through the most treacherous times in my life. If He got me through those times, I know He will get me through another heartbreak. For that knowledge, I am eternally grateful. 

Dear readers, thank you for following me as long as you have. I'm also grateful knowing my blog is being read. I don't know your interest in my little melodrama, but I thank you for reading. May your 2019 be prosperous and may you grow and follow the beautiful things in life.