my careless contagion

Twenty-two notebooks. These are they. Twenty-two notebooks of my writings going back to 1995 or 1996 (I started writing on yellow legal paper) up until 2017 or 2018. Why am I bringing this up? I'm glad you asked, faithful reader. Because those notebooks I just threw out. Herein is another prayer, full of hope and expectancy.  I asked God about what might be tying me to sad emotions, unhappiness, etc. Whatever was stealing my joy, I wanted to get rid of. If you leaf through those notebooks, you'll see why I got rid of them. It was full of trauma, pain, and endless emoting over past hurt. I was attempting to grapple with the sad state of my life, my childhood, etc. There is even a note in there about how my brother grabbed my hand so hard it bled. This was after I left home, mind you. I don't need those things anymore. Is this symbolic? Perhaps. And it might mean something more to throw them out. If there is anything connected with those notebooks that is pulling me in a sad ...

This is the time and space where I'm supposed to talk about what I learned in the three years running this blog. I'm supposed to say how much I've grown (groan) or whatever. So, I guess we'll do that. I'd like to say a lot changed, but that never seems to be the case. I should have moved quickly in any given direction, but I felt God was telling me to wait. Instead, I got bogged down in a morass of self-pity. Maybe it was necessary to stand still and heal, but with blood in the water, it was an open invitation to the sharks that swam around me. Unfortunately, I learned how cruel, pathetic, and unsympathetic people can be when one is trying to heal. I also learned they will blame you for something you didn't do just because. It makes me wonder if it does any good to try to live an upright life if I'm just going to be treated like a criminal. But that's not me. That's my disillusionment talking. Prepare for a long read.  This blog is pedagogical in nat...

Another milestone for this blog! I've reached 400 posts in a little over two years. That equals a post every 2-3 days. That's a lot of writing, which equals a lot of therapy. Thank you for following along! I'm tired of talking about myself. I'm tired in general. Perhaps the bulk of the work is done. Through this reflective writing therapy, considerable insight was gained. Putting my thoughts and feelings here was valuable.  When this blog began, I had no idea where it would take me. I wrote because I didn't have anyone with whom to share my thoughts and feelings. I needed an outlet at a very ugly time in my life. My divorce was the catalyst for this blog, though many things have been discussed since then. I've gone through just about every emotion and have somehow survived, though I am changed. I am a decidedly different human being than when I entered the portal of pain called divorce. As for the dissolution of my marriage, perhaps the best way to sum ...

Last post! That wasn't so bad, was it? I'm now officially sick of myself. I bet y'all are too. 31) I like messing with people. Not all the time, of course, because that's obnoxious. At my old job, one of my favorite things to do was to tell a string of jokes about something until someone joined in. At that point, I would turn on them and act horrified, like they had gone too far. That still cracks me up. I'm pretty sure 99.9% of my humor is for my own amusement. 32) I don't remember my first time having sex at all. I just wanted to get it over with. I waited 20 years for it, but I have no recollection. Ain't that how it goes? You wait so long for something and then it's over and you don't even remember it, like cotton candy in your mouth. Furthermore, I don't know if this is a function of my bad memory or what, but I don't even remember what sex was like, period. 33) My favorite book is the Bible. After that, let's see, t...

Alright! You're halfway to the end! I'm starting to wish I was a lot younger because I don't think I can come up with 41 random facts about myself.  Also because it sucks getting old. And sometimes I forget where my keys are. 21) I love BBQ potato chips. I used to be obsessed with Jolt Cola. I have a Surge CD. Surge is a beverage that was created in the 90s. They tried to market their beverage with alternative music. I don't know how I got it, but the Surge CD was actually two CDs, the other you were supposed to give to a friend. I didn't hate anyone that much to give them the CD, though I don't know where the other CD went. These days I use a lot of stevia. Once upon a time, I actually grew stevia. It's a fascinating plant. I used to have an organic garden, so I grew a lot of cool stuff. I've always been pretty open about the food I eat. For instance, I hate kale (and a lot of other brassicas), which is strange for someone who supposedly tries t...

This is only part two of four! Hang in there! More random things about me. 11) Continuing where I left off in the last post, here's a funny thing about Mr. Hookie. His family moved from the same town my family moved from to the same town we moved to (in a different state)! He had a son in my grade. There was also a girl in our class who moved from that town to the same town we moved to! The three of us graduated together. There's a picture of us in graduation gowns. I'll respect their privacy and not post it here, though. I'm still friends with the girl, but I have lost track of the boy. Or he lost track of me. We were friends for a while, but I was a dick to him so I guess it's fair he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. 12) The town where I went to college had a telemarketing company. A lot of students worked there, as I recall. I remember receiving a call from that company, trying to sell me magazines. I was so lonely, I stayed on the line lon...

Forty-one random things about me. Because this blog isn't self-indulgent enough! Hopefully I can scrounge up 41 somewhat interesting or strange things about me — one for each year I've been alive. Considering how boring my life is, this may be a challenge!  1) The first crush I had on a girl was Kristin Braley (above). She was my babysitter's daughter, a year older than me, and a lot of fun. She taught me to eat my boogers. We played with sandstone in her backyard, grinding it to dust. I said I would marry her. She was also a tomboy and had freckles, which is probably why I still like girls with freckles to this day. The last photo I have of her she was about 15 years old, but I have no idea what became of her.  2) When I was very young, my imaginary friend was Mickey Mouse. After school, I went down to the office where my parents worked. In the basement behind a partition, they had set up a cot for me. It was the darkest, scariest place conceivable for a ch...

I've walked through 600 miles of pain so much was said and done I don't even remember my name I retraced my steps down to the river  where I watched her lifeless body float away, forever away and by the railroad tracks where I drank in my car and broke my empties on the hollow moon, his eyes sadder than mine I fled from everywhere just so I could breathe but the places I found strangled me just the same It seems the blows keep coming like a metronome keeping time The stars shine down on my madness tonight what I've done I cannot undo my apologies flow like a river and it will never be enough to save them from what I've done or save me from this bitter, seeping wound Precious things and precious people I'm not allowed to have they slip like sand through these slick hands What makes you roar, son is what keeps you alive then, sir, it's pain and hate and rejection and trauma and suffering flowing in my veins no wonder m...

This is the third and final installment of the changed-by-divorce posts. What has been perhaps the most surprising change can be seen in my body. What was once a thing of ... um, well, not a thing of beauty, but a thing less hideous than it is now, has become a thing of ... well, kind of a crime scene.  I've never been a big dude. Never been very strong. I'm just a regular guy. All around ... regular. Just a dude. Nothing special. I preferred to have sex with the lights off when I used to have sex because there just isn't anything exciting about my body. That was then. And this is now.  I can't even imagine having sex with a woman. Mostly because my body is at its worst state since I can remember. I could liken it to several types of livestock. Let's just say I've embraced middle age in a BIG way. It's great, really. Kinda liberating. Until I look in the mirror.   It's not like I'd even know what to do with a woman anymore. I don't rem...