22 notebooks
Twenty-two notebooks. These are they. Twenty-two notebooks of my writings going back to 1995 or 1996 (I started writing on yellow legal paper) up until 2017 or 2018. Why am I bringing this up? I'm glad you asked, faithful reader. Because those notebooks I just threw out. Herein is another prayer, full of hope and expectancy.
I asked God about what might be tying me to sad emotions, unhappiness, etc. Whatever was stealing my joy, I wanted to get rid of. If you leaf through those notebooks, you'll see why I got rid of them. It was full of trauma, pain, and endless emoting over past hurt. I was attempting to grapple with the sad state of my life, my childhood, etc. There is even a note in there about how my brother grabbed my hand so hard it bled. This was after I left home, mind you. I don't need those things anymore. Is this symbolic? Perhaps. And it might mean something more to throw them out. If there is anything connected with those notebooks that is pulling me in a sad direction, obviously I don't want that. I want lightness and happiness and joy. Like my Tumblr. Haha. Really, though, it is the best parts of me, and that is why I spend so much time on there. I really need that flow of good stuff to continue. If I reblog a Bible verse, it edifies me, and it may also edify someone else. Pretty photos? Same thing. I want to spark joy, so to speak. That's a dumb phrase, but I like it.
It may or may not do any good to get rid of the notebooks. At the very least, I don't want my son to find out how truly depressed I was. This blog stands (though I've deleted some posts and will probably delete more) because it is my testimony in a nutshell. It still operates as therapy; I know I won't remember everything if I don't write it down. It's my memory. Someday I'll publish it somehow. There is a lot of good in this blog, which is why I haven't dismantled or abandoned it. There are many healing words and explosive breakthroughs contained herein. Maybe someday it won't be useful for me, but maybe it will be useful for someone else. The notebooks were pointless to hang onto, and they may have even caused me some bad vibes. It's okay to let them go, either way. I don't need them anymore. I have the tools to process grief and disappointment now.
Reading through some of the notebooks I saw entries for things that I wish to now forget. It was useful for me at the time to write and record my feelings. Now it is useful for me to let it go. It is all forgiven, and I wish to forget. I forgive my family, my ex, myself, God, and anyone else I blamed in those pages. I renounce those feelings of depression, sadness, and pain. I open myself to emotions God wants to fill me with.
I realize this post doesn't mean much to anyone reading, but this is a big deal for me. I wrote hundreds of pages over the span of more than 20 years, starting in high school when my AP English teacher gave the class an assignment to write a poem. I'm letting go of my past and grabbing hold of the future. I love God. God is saying it's okay to let this go. Thank you, Lord.
It's funny how these things I'm going through align with where I'm living. I went through my childhood stuff in the Black Hills. Now, I've progressed to the time spent in Nebraska. This retrospective has run for some time. They say when you get tired of looking back, you're healed. I'm there in my heart. I'll do this as long as God directs, but I'm ready to be done. This was a necessary step in the right direction. I asked God what was holding back my progress and if there was anything I needed to throw out, and this was the answer. That is two big things in two days. I feel free.
This act is in accordance with God's promise to heal me. I claim that promise. This sadness is not my life. I don't claim it. I claim God's blessings instead. God told me I was to go through a corridor of healing before the next step. This is part of that process, I believe. I'm anxious to continue the journey. Today is day four of fasting. God is doing much during this time. Imagine letting go of something you've hung onto for possibly 25-plus years. The effect of letting that go is powerful. I feel God saying that what is coming soon is going to be amazing. Many blessings ahead. Amen.
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There are probably some things I should say about this recent disappointment with the girl. I wanted to defend myself, but I won't. I feel she chose to see me in a negative light and also forgot about a lot of stuff that could change that. Though I feel the whole thing is rather harsh, God knows my heart. He knows I never intended anything but to show her love. I never wanted what we had back, though I thought we could someday start something new, once we were in a good place (even if it was only a friendship). I asked many times over the years, and God never told me to close the door. I gave the whole thing to God. We'll see what He does with it, if anything. Either way, it is in good hands.
Thank you for reading. And God bless.
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