Broken Bow
Sure, a lot of things came to mind. I started to recall some stuff right away. Some good, some bad. Some I wasn't sure what to do with. There certainly are some patterns that were set down here that persisted during my life, patterns for good and bad. I started reading my Bible as a boy in the house on the corner. I read that children's Bible until I bought my own. I used to play with my friend Geoff who lived next door. When I was told we were moving, I was watering my garden out back. I was told I could have another garden. I did. It was better, too. Sometimes change is hard, even if we're sure something will be better than what we have now. I'm still learning that.
We played basketball and football and baseball at that house. We had water fights with syringes and water balloons and water guns. The Wrights were our friends, but they felt like family. We sledded down Reservoir Hill. Went to ballgames together. Shared meals and stories. I miss having a sense of community. I miss having neighbors like that. I just miss people. It's sad when someone leaves your life who you really enjoy.
I recall the first blizzard here, the first snow day, the feeling of warmth in the classroom from the old heaters. I recall being terrified by my assignments because they were so out of my league. I recall a little girl named Cindy who sat near me and was always kind. In fifth grade, she laughed when she read the little book I wrote about the "Fly Splatcaboomer" (sp). There were so many kind people here. They are still in my heart.
The swimming pool is gone. There is a new one. I walked over the ground where it should have been and felt sick. I spent countless hours there. And then it was just gone? I don't like that feeling. So many trees that were there when I was a kid are gone and new ones are growing that weren't there before. Some were 30-40 feet high. That tells me it was a long time ago I was there. I wanted to stop at Cindy's mom's house and talk to her for a few minutes. I felt an incredible urge to tell her how much her husband's service meant to me; how he was the kind of man I wish I had been; how I didn't need to leave Nebraska to have a big, fulfilling life; and how I wish I had been able to meet her husband. It was probably best I didn't do that. I would have cried. And I didn’t want to bother her. Or stir up grief.
I won't mention the bad stuff. I had an epiphany about that. When we see ourselves as a victim, we tend to act like a victim. We do things like, oh, I don't know, take things that don't belong to us. Or lash out at people. Or hang onto hurt. Create more victims. I've learned to simply let go when wronged. I don't even want to talk about it. If I have to, I will, but I don't want to. I'm tired of looking back, which means I've come a long way. I take this lesson with me. I matured tremendously in the almost 4 years since beginning this blog.
This blog is almost done. I expected to lose some readers after my latest disappointment. I didn't expect to lose all of them. It didn't end how I wanted it to. Of course, if something big happens, I'll post again. God is in charge of this blog. And everything else. I have a few posts I've been working on, in case anyone cares. I always prayed that this blog would minister to those reading it. I hope that was the case. Some of it was hard to read. It was hard to write. My favorite posts were about a girl, of course. Those weren’t hard. I recognize what I wrote about her could be considered manipulative. I struggle with that because that is not who I am. My intention was never to manipulate her. I tried to support whatever direction she went, even though I often didn’t understand, praying for her all the way. Exclaiming your love for someone and how wonderful they are is not manipulation. But I see how it can be seen that way. I wish to respect her chosen direction, whether I am included or not. I had to clarify and reiterate. I do love her. I don’t expect that to be returned just because I say that. Pardon me, but I think she is the best thing ever. I won’t apologize for my feelings, though I apologize for how it looked. I respect her more than she realizes. I always put her happiness before mine.
I spent so much time doing things that didn't matter. Like work. Writing in notebooks. Instead of forming actual, lasting relationships. Whatever mistakes I made and whatever I did in the wrong direction or under the wrong spirit, I gave all of that to God. I asked Him to make something good come of my mistakes. I'm done trying to fix past wrongs. The past doesn't need me. My present does. That is why I wanted to shift my writing to things that are happening now and things that will happen. God willing, this blog will someday be resurrected with that focus, instead of looking to the past for answers. The answers are in God. I know that now. We'll see how God leads. I got a lot out of this journey. I healed enough to be a better person for those around me.
I let go of everything near and dear the last few years. I really hung onto some things, as you may have noticed. If a man willingly hands over the most precious things in his life to God, including his hopes and dreams and people he loves, then that man did a good thing. Give him some time to grieve. In time, he will rejoice. His mourning will turn to joy. I trust this is true because the Bible says so. God has a plan. I embrace His and let go of mine, just like the memories that don't do me any good. I don’t understand where I’m going or how. But I’m not passive. I’m willingly following and trusting. Amen.
Thank you for reading. And God bless.
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