Leave mine to me
Facebook recently changed its corporate name to Meta to "reflect its growing focus on the metaverse." The metaverse is something that doesn't even exist in everyday reality. So what's the big deal? It's a bunch of virtual worlds. If people didn't already live in their own little bubbles, they will soon. Why?
Because reality sucks, as the song points out. If you want to escape reality and make your own virtual reality, that's an option. Many people already do with their online presence. They've tuned out the world at large, which does nothing but let evil persist and spread, making reality even more unenjoyable. It's a vicious cycle.
I'm not immune from doing these things. My reality isn't that great, though I am blessed. I would love to change many things about my life, but I'm stuck. Recently, God impressed upon me chapters 69 and 70 in Psalms. The pervasive feeling in recent years is of being stuck. In a miry pit. I know God can rescue me, and that is why I am fasting yet again this week. I hope to go another five days. This is my last opportunity for a hardcore fast. My heart cries for freedom. I'm begging God to change my reality and not let me retreat from it into unreality. There is something in me that is stuck. Perhaps you noticed. Something has to change in me. Thus, the fast.
Bear with me. I had a sex dream last night. It ended as all my sex dreams do. Before climax. (This goes back to the feeling of being used, which was how things were in reality.) Actually, it ended right after the kissing part. But, the odd thing is those dreams accurately reflect my reality. All my relationships, even in my dreams, are a no-go. (You'd think I could at least enjoy something in my dreams, right?) Something big is blocking forward progress in a big way. I don't know what it is, therefore I fast. I want reality to be blessed and beautiful, not something I must escape from. I believe God's Word says the same thing, though I know there will be troubles. But God blesses His people. I don't feel blessed; I feel cruelly thwarted.
You think this has to do with my recent disappointment? Not as much as you may think. I moved here with a plan A and plan B in mind, neither of which involved a certain woman. God said plan B is not something He will bless and plan A is stalled. I'm stuck. This problem existed for much of my life. God showed me when it took root. But, what to do about it isn't apparent. I prayed and asked for direction and did what I knew to do.
I won't get into the meat of the discussion between me and God, but it is involved. A man must be desperate to endure fasting as much as I have. I saw significant progress in a short time. I saw breakthroughs that broke the whole thing open. God answered my prayers. Some prayers I've been offering up for years, yet there is still no answer but, "Trust me." I hear God's voice about certain things, but He is silent about others. It's the oddest thing.
I knew moving here would force me to confront reality. I'm having a hard time doing that. I don't like this reality. I want what I had in my head. I want a dream. I want a virtual reality of my own choosing. If I could change my heart, it would be easy. My heart is stuck. I've asked God literally thousands of times to change my heart and in a desperate, last-ditch attempt to change, simply gave my heart to Him. Why He has not changed my heart or told me to close doors is beyond me. I keep asking. He keeps saying, "Trust me." You have to realize this is something new for me. When I asked God to help me understand her, He did. When I asked Him to change my heart to love her like He wanted me to, He did. He answered those prayers but will not answer my last request. I want to join reality. I want to be free to move forward (at His direction, of course). But I am stuck. I didn't mean for this post to end up being about me, but thems the breaks.
Recently, someone I follow online fell in love. She's been praying for this for a long time. It was a great blessing to see that. I pray things work out. I know God answers prayers, though sometimes we must go through a period of waiting that defies explanation. I'm not praying to be with a specific woman. I just want God's blessing. I left the whole discussion at His feet. I accept whomever He has for me, or even if there is no one. I just want to move forward and don't feel that's too much to ask. But, reality intrudes. Something is blocking. (If you think it is only one woman or one situation, you are wrong. This is a complex heart issue.) The inclination is to find an alternate route or retreat into unreality. Or simply retreat, period. (Trust me, I've had that conversation, too. God said He will establish me here, otherwise, I would simply move. Which wouldn't solve anything.) God knows what is in my heart. It is a good, godly request. I don't want to consume something upon my own lusts. The prerequisite of God giving you the desires of your heart is that we must delight in the Lord. Don't I do this? Haven't I faithfully followed Him? God, why am I still stuck? And then He says, "Trust me, son." And sometimes He adds that I must be patient.
My situation is a good example of the power of wanting an unreality over reality. Life sucks, so retreat to a virtual world where you make the rules, right? We can create our own reality. Our imaginations are impressively powerful. Anything we act upon first takes place in our minds. The Bible says a lot about imaginations, too. My point is, I refuse to give in to an unreality. But, I also don't accept reality because reality = I am stuck. I'm asking God to change it. I trust you, Lord. I don't know how you're going to do it, but I know I can't do it. As far as creating my own reality, I won't. I leave that to God.
Lyrics:
There are desperate times upon us,
There are codes of white and black,
Political resentment and people start to crack,
There's hate and opposition,
There's fumbling dialog,
Yet you sit there and judge me
And you think it makes a difference
If you think I'm all alone you are foolishly wrong,
There's an entire army who blindly follow along,
And you happen to be one of them believe it or not,
Even though you try not to be we are of the same plague
The other ways we're taught to fear,
Don't even scratch the surface of the problem here,
I'm not blind, and I'm not scared,
So many crucial factors exist out there,
And we're but one, and they're but two,
And how we come to terms will help us pull through
Things cannot change too fast,
It took us this much time,
To reach our current platform and walk this fragile line,
If I thought I'd make a difference I'd kill myself today,
But so many are like me lost in the fray
You create your own reality,
And leave mine to me
***
If Cindy still reads here, I want to apologize for the times I manipulated her. Or sought to. We often see the error of our ways best when someone does something to us we’ve done to others. Maybe it was intentional or unintentional, but I manipulated her in the past. Please forgive me. God called me out. I stand corrected. Won’t happen again, not that I would have the chance. I make this apology in this forum because I feel it must be a public apology. The kind words I had for her came from my heart without any motive. I hope this apology doesn’t tarnish the heartfelt things I said. The manipulation was the exception to the rule and was likely unintentional. I’m sorry, nonetheless.
Though none of this may seem important to anyone else, it is important to me. I won't always write like this. If anyone still follows along, I don't know why. You deserve a happy ending. It will make sense when it happens. I'm confident God will answer my prayers. Until then ...
Thank you for reading. And God bless.
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