Anatomy of healing & To be like her (double post) Edited 12-6

I wrote these as separate posts but decided to combine them. Neither of them were finished. An explanation at the end. 

This is an exploratory post. And a prayer. Bear with me. This post involves someone near and dear. I may or may not be correct about anything I write, but my intention is to understand her. She has been through so much. Our past experiences color reality and expectations for the future. It is with great tenderness that I explore this sensitive subject. The girl I write about is a survivor of domestic abuse. How many different ways she was mistreated I will never know, as she holds these things out of sight. My heart feels some of those things, though, because a part of her is in me. I understand, I think, a little of what she went through. I pray God helps me understand her completely. Truly, when I prayed to understand her years ago, the Lord gave me two books to read (one I read twice), which led me to fall further in love with her. I feel like I understand her at least in part. And that is part of why I love her so and can't stop talking about her. I believe God gave me a rare insight into her mind, heart, and soul. Though I don't know the purpose of that, I am grateful for it. Indeed, I spent years studying and memorizing her. When we were kids, I watched her closely. She showed me kindness when I needed it. I always wanted to be a part of her life. That has not changed. 

She appears to show signs of PTSD. Domestic abuse survivors often do. Not only that, but long-term abuse survivors often show signs of complex PTSD, which is different still. A couple of things I gather is she has insomnia, hypervigilance, difficulty trusting, and myriad fears. They are all protective in nature and are long-term effects of PTSD. If anyone wants to know more, simply look up those terms.  

Let me say something, though. Regardless of past abuse, she is by far the most beautiful creature I've ever met. Her heart continues to love and look out for those around her, even though her wounds were great. Her faith astounds me. I desire to be like her in so many regards it is embarrassing. Her patience in affliction comes from deep love, love I have not been able to show those who hurt me. But I am trying. This isn't about me, though. I regret my role in hurting her (how stupid could I be?) and vow from this day on to always protect, defend, and support her. I hope with all my heart I get a chance to do just that. I don't say these things because I think she is helpless or fragile or even needs any of it but, rather, because she is precious to me. 

What can I do to help her? Likely nothing. Does she even need or desire my help? Probably not. She took her pain to God, I'm sure. She worked through much of it in silence and by herself. I desire to help somehow, but I am constrained to simple prayers. I'm not fooling myself. I likely can't do much to help another human being. Mostly I pray. I'm understanding of the process because I've been through something similar. It can take time and trust to move on from great pain. And a whole lot of respect. Support. We all need support. If she would let me carry her through the nastiest of life, I would. I would carry her through anything and everything. If I ever get the chance, my goal is to minister to her like Jesus did His church. Consider that for a moment and tell me what you think that means. It is utterly selfless. She is precious, and I will treat her so. I will defend and protect her at all costs. 

Here are my prayers. I want to be able to minister to her in ways that are helpful and conducive to healing. My love for her is great. Anything she needs, I want to be able to provide, though I am a mere man. I know I can't do much. God heals. Not me. But I can create an environment where she feels safe, where she can unravel if necessary, say what she wants to say, feel whatever she needs, and bare her scars for a moment. I want her to know she is in an understanding place where there is no judgment, no blame, and no fear. I won't hurt her. I am a gentle soul who just wants to hold her close and let her feel loved. Though I made mistakes in the past, I am not that man. What I went through changed me. If I hurt her again, I hurt too. She is part of me. The best part. According to my heart, my duty is to protect her from anything harmful, including what I may do. I will treat her with dignity and respect. (It is safe to say I put her on a pedestal, but I have a great desire to lift this woman up. Always.) But mostly I want to be her friend. And what does a friend do? They act like a friend. I'll be that for her. (Proverbs 17:17)

She is an incredibly strong person. What she's been through would rot so many people. She blossomed instead. She came through it a better person. I am simply astounded by her. But I digress. If there is anything I can do to help her continued healing, I will provide it, regardless of the cost. Maybe she just needs a friend. I'll be that. A listening ear. I can listen. Silence. Sure. Care and affection. Of course. A safe place. That's me. Most likely, she doesn't need anything from me. She has God. I have God. She'll be alright. And she is alright. Healing is not only attainable but is freely given. I am a living testament to that fact. I'm not perfect. I'm not whole. But I am far better than I once was. 

Cindy is in safe hands and always has been. God gave her grace for the rest. She is a beautiful woman inside and out. I care for her more deeply than words can express. That's all this post is about. I don't know anything, but I know I love her and want the best for her. I just want to be a source of peace. A force of good. To represent safety. She is a pure soul. I believe God helped me see her, as I prayed that years ago. When he opened my eyes, I saw her. And I've never been the same. I never thought a person like her could exist. I want to spend the rest of my days near her somehow and be a source of light and warmth in a world that is too often dark and cold. Amen. 

I want to add one more thought before I go. I hurt Cindy in the past. I disrespected her in ways. There is no excuse. I hope she finds it in her heart to consider forgiving me. I changed so much since then, I don't even recognize myself. I truly believe I won't do those things again. The love I hold in my heart for her grew exponentially since she broke things off with me. Why? Because we continued to communicate sporadically. She let me behind the curtain, so to speak. It was a casual way of communicating and neither of us had anything to gain by trying to impress the other. So I saw the real Cindy. As she went through heartache and adversity, what I saw in her continued to amaze me. I was literally shocked at times by the grace and mercy that flowed from her. Only God knows what the future holds for me, but I hope in some way it has her in it. I would be beyond grateful to even call her my friend. If she spoke kindly of me to others and mentioned the many things God did for me in my 44 years, I would die a happy man. Because then I, too, would know I inhabited her heart in at least a small way, as she does mine in a big way.  

(I wanted to add in there somewhere that we would be crazy to not try one more time at some point in the future when we were both healthy, but it appears I was the only one who considered that.)

***

To be like her

I know. I said it all before. Hopefully, I can say it again in a different way. Rarely does a woman draw such good things out of a man. Rarely does a woman draw a man closer to God. Rarely does a man love a woman so much and for so many reasons. But she is rare, the rarest woman I've ever known. There is only one of her. At the risk of being really annoying, I will expound upon her one more time. This post is almost like another prayer. 

When we had a short relationship years ago, I didn't fully realize the kind of woman she was. It was only after that relationship ended that I began to see it. I became a student of her. I read books she was reading. I asked God to help me understand her (and believe He greatly answered that prayer). It was more than a man being in love. I wanted to be like her. The things I saw in her changed me, changed how I saw the world, and changed how I saw the future. For the first time in a long time, I wanted a future. A future with her, of course. But the important thing is I wanted to keep living. And I saw a way of living that appealed to me. 

They say imitation is the most sincere form of flattery. I don't know. All I know is whatever is in me loves everything that is in her. I greatly admire her. You know how you can be around someone you admire and you try to be more like them? Yeah. Well, imagine a great distance between those two souls and a certain man still wanting to be like a certain woman. No, I don't want to be a woman. I don't want to shave my legs and stuff. I want to emulate the good qualities I see in her. Her grace. Her mercy. Her care. Her attention. How much fun she is. How generous. How big her love is. She just makes sense to me. Everything about her makes sense. It isn't just that I want to be with her. It isn't just that I want to protect and care for her. It is a very old and familiar feeling. I want her around, yes, but why? What I saw in her all those years ago impressed me. She is how I always wanted to be. She made a very sad, little boy feel seen and loved. I want to show that love to others. To be like her means to bless others endlessly, as it flows out of her effortlessly. 

By witnessing her example, I did good things for those around me. I did the best thing I could think of for them, though it cost me in ways. I feel like doing those good things, especially for those who hurt me the most, sets me free. I am freer than I've ever felt before. I'm healthier than I've been in years. I let go of so much hurt, so much pain, so much frustration, so much unforgiveness. I didn't hang onto those things because if I did, I wouldn't be like her. Though I can't go back and fix things that happened between me and anyone, I can move on and freely follow God. That is good news. 

Will I ever be like her? I don't know. I'm trying. I'm growing in a lot of ways. All I know is there isn't anything behind me that I want to salvage. I want to go forward in every way. I'm sold out to God. I have hopes and dreams, yes. I submitted all my desires to Him. What He does with it will be surely better than whatever I could do. To answer the question, all I know is how attracted I am to Cindy. I've always been drawn to her like a magnet. She's good for me. I hope I'm good for her. Good-hearted people are attractive. Generous souls draw us near. They feed those of us who are destitute inside. But she did more to me. She showed me I, too, can be generous and good-hearted. She follows a process I can follow too. That is where I am now. I simply want to be like her. God willing, I will. I have a few more years left, I think. We'll see what God does with those years. Amen. 

***

Further conversations with Cindy resulted in bad news for me. (On her birthday, even. Good job, bud.) I won’t say what she said, but to say we don’t feel the same way about each other is a vast understatement. For some reason, she felt she had to do things that way. I know she is hurting right now. Hurting people can say harsh things. But this was probably not that. It doesn’t matter how good you think your offer is, if someone doesn’t want it, it has no value. You can’t even give it away. So, you may wonder how I feel about this. How do you think I feel? I did the same thing I've been doing, which is give it to God. It doesn't belong to me anymore. My heart is in God's hands. I did everything I thought I should do, but it wasn't about me doing or being anything. There are positives. God taught me how to love. Cindy taught me how to love. I thank them both for that. The above posts I wrote before our last conversation. They stand. They are my heart. I will always love that girl. I had everything I needed to be in a relationship with her. God got me there by some miracle. But it wasn't about me. If someone loves you, nothing else matters. Conversely, if someone doesn’t love you, nothing else matters. Cindy and I wronged each other the two times we met 4.5 years ago. I wanted to bring something about that to her attention recently because I believe it was important. I let it go. It wouldn't do anything but cause more trauma to her to bring it up. No one wants to hear they screwed up. (Indeed, I felt like dying when she told me what I did to her.) I wanted to discuss what she did to me for full closure, but it is pointless. She doesn't need closure and I don't know what I need. I love her. Nothing changed. Unfortunately, how I hurt her changed how she felt about me. All I know is I am free from the hurt of what happened between us. It doesn't control me. I'm free to move forward in whatever way God will bless. She is free to move forward, as well, though, it appears, not with me. (We both lost someone amazing. But I can't keep mourning the loss of her.) I'm being propelled forward, whether I like it or not. I've been sad long enough. This is not how I wanted things to work out. Clearly. I wanted to be in her life in some way. But God is in charge now. It was all given to Him. I can't complain about how things go from here on out (or, I can, but it won't do any good). Today is day two of fasting and praying. I need to stay close to God. Pardon me if I take some time off. I'm going to go out there and try to find some happiness. If you want, pray for me. 

Cindy requested I leave her alone. So I did and will. If you love someone, you want them to feel safe and happy, so if that is what she needs, I will do it. As John Denver sang, sometimes love is letting go. What existed between me and Cindy died years ago, unfortunately. She said I hurt her the second time we met. What she did the first and second times we met were far worse than how I hurt her, in my humble opinion. But my response to her recently telling me I am not welcome in her life has still been loving and mature. I harbor no ill will and wish her whatever she needs. I feel she has a lot of unforgiveness, bitterness, and resentment. She must have been hurt far worse than I realized. Truly, I never did realize my role until she told me recently. Without the backlog of hurt and trauma she sustained in her marriage, I have no doubt things would have been different for us. (Yes, I take responsibility for my actions. But her history of hurt didn't help. She saw me like all the rest, and I was not.) Love covers a multitude of sins. I think with all the sins directed at her she simply ran out of love to cover my sins, too. She needs healing. And for me to leave her alone, apparently, because I was one of those who hurt her. Pardon me if I’m sad I cannot be in her life, though. It’s just going to take some time to get over that. I really got my hopes up. If she wants to blame me for why things ended, okay. I was always willing to take the blame for the sake of peace. I see I hurt her. I didn’t see it before. Nothing I can do now except promise I won’t do it again. I won’t do it again, regardless. I longed for years for her to come back into my life. It will take me some time to stop doing that. I may never. Whatever the next step is, it will take a miracle. God can work miracles. Amen.

My next post, should there be another, will hopefully be much happier. God is working. Some time and healing are in order, but I should be okay. 

Thank you for reading. And God bless.

My YouTube video blog. I may do more. We'll see how helpful they are.

Click here for my new blog, None Dare Call It Treason.