my careless contagion

I said it before, but I love The Monkees. They were one of my original musical fixations, plus they came packaged with a silly TV show which was right up my alley. All kids have a silly heart. (Yes, I realize they were a fabricated band and some of their songs were actual downers.) I watched them a lot, usually by myself in the loft since no one else wanted to watch. They were mine, all mine. I have a whimsical soul, and they plugged into that. And "Cheer up, sleepy Jean. Oh what can it mean to a daydream believer and a homecoming queen?" is one of the best lines in all of songdom. It is simply sublime. Crank up the orchestra and come along.  Why am I posting this song now? Because Saturday and Sunday mornings are for daydreaming. Sure, get all your stuff done, but don't forget to daydream. The lyrics could mean a variety of things. I personally think he daydreamed up a girlfriend and even gave her a name. (Even easier to do these days, with thirst traps proliferating. L...

Rejection played a big role in my life. It doesn't have to be intentional. People passively reject others all the time. It doesn't have to be something we even think about in order to reject someone. Do I think everyone who rejected me wanted to hurt me? No, in fact, I don't think any of them wanted to hurt me. It was unintentional. But, if I perceive something as rejection, it is rejection, regardless. I can't tell someone I didn't hurt them if they felt hurt by something I did. With that out of the way, here are a few things I learned about rejection. This is only my opinion.  One of the worst things about the rejection I felt from my family (and I heard this from others who experienced the same) was I felt the need to change somehow. As in, they wouldn't reject me if I was someone else or changed my behavior. I think this is perhaps how I ended up with a different personality than my birth order would suggest. My natural personality is laid back and silly, fu...

I wrote these as separate posts but decided to combine them. Neither of them were finished. An explanation at the end.  This is an exploratory post. And a prayer. Bear with me. This post involves someone near and dear. I may or may not be correct about anything I write, but my intention is to understand her. She has been through so much. Our past experiences color reality and expectations for the future. It is with great tenderness that I explore this sensitive subject. The girl I write about is a survivor of domestic abuse. How many different ways she was mistreated I will never know, as she holds these things out of sight. My heart feels some of those things, though, because a part of her is in me. I understand, I think, a little of what she went through. I pray God helps me understand her completely. Truly, when I prayed to understand her years ago, the Lord gave me two books to read (one I read twice), which led me to fall further in love with her. I feel like I understand her ...

The photo above is heartbreaking. But that's how I feel. I am that dog. I look terrible and who would want me, but yet I have a purpose here on earth to fulfill. I have a job for a while and then I'll be gone.  I'm broken and beaten and scarred. Will someone take a chance on me?  People who experienced much trauma and abuse seem to heal best when they can help others. It's no wonder I've continually sought out opportunities like that, though I often proceed in a guarded manner. One of the biggest realizations I came to through writing this blog is how much PTSD has held me back from making decisions that lead to growth and healing. As with all major (and many minor) decisions, I've decided to give all my decisions to God, as I cannot be trusted to make the right decisions. I simply don't know what is best for me. That, unfortunately, is how I am programmed. There is a joke out there that says the biggest withdrawal symptom for recovering alcoholics and drug ...

Of whom the world was not worthy is a phrase that comes from the book of Hebrews. It describes a people mistreated and abused by the world yet beloved of God. They are the purest of God's creation and destined for a greater land than the miserable world they pass through here. The phrase is also a book published in 1978. I use it here to describe a certain woman who never ceases to amaze me. Who knows how long I will feel this way? Perhaps forever.  My feelings for her are stronger than they should be, considering my position. Considering what I've been through. Considering what little I held onto all those years. I chose her and have been smitten with her ever since. When we were children, I believed she was lovely. I remember her smile. I still think it's about the best thing about her. It gets me every time. But I didn't sit down today to write about a woman's smile.  Dear readers, you don't know what that woman has been through. I don't even know. I know...

  A Place in the Sun. Just the name evokes pleasant images and good feelings. Stevie Wonder is a literal musical genius and Motown legend. I don't even know where to begin. He was such an important  — and positive — influence on my childhood. Considering how awful my father was, maybe I saw Stevie as a kind of father figure. I get good feelings just hearing the opening of one of his hits and am instantly transported to a time and place I can no longer go in the flesh but which remains with me in memory. Sounds can trigger memories, much as smells or tastes do. A Place in the Sun was released in 1966 (He was 16), more than 10 years before I was born. But I love this song even today, much as I do many of Stevie's songs.  Let's look at the lyrics.  Like a long, lonely stream I keep runnin' towards a dream Movin' on, movin' on Like a branch on a tree I keep reachin' to be free Movin' on, movin' on 'Cause there's a place in the sun Where there...