Daydream Believer (The Monkees)
I said it before, but I love The Monkees. They were one of my original musical fixations, plus they came packaged with a silly TV show which was right up my alley. All kids have a silly heart. (Yes, I realize they were a fabricated band and some of their songs were actual downers.) I watched them a lot, usually by myself in the loft since no one else wanted to watch. They were mine, all mine. I have a whimsical soul, and they plugged into that. And "Cheer up, sleepy Jean. Oh what can it mean to a daydream believer and a homecoming queen?" is one of the best lines in all of songdom. It is simply sublime. Crank up the orchestra and come along.
Why am I posting this song now? Because Saturday and Sunday mornings are for daydreaming. Sure, get all your stuff done, but don't forget to daydream. The lyrics could mean a variety of things. I personally think he daydreamed up a girlfriend and even gave her a name. (Even easier to do these days, with thirst traps proliferating. Like the last girl I talked to. If I wanted, I could have imagined she was my girlfriend. That was doomed, of course, and for reasons I explained before. Let's just say she's not my type.) That's the meaning I give the song because it's closer to my reality than any other interpretation. Honestly, it appears the song is about two people who are farther along in life and the daydreamer is looking back and feels hollow because life didn't measure up to expectations. His girl was the homecoming queen. He used to be more of a man than he is now. The good old days were pretty good, but now they don't have much money. Truly, they have what matters most: each other. And that leads me to talk about a conclusion I came to recently about my life. But that can wait. First things first.
This song was released in 1968 before my parents were even married (that was 1969). It came out of an era that was considered very safe, yet many were not appreciative of the general tranquility and there was an undercurrent of unhappiness and unfulfillment. My computer is telling me that's not a word, but I know better. And, why are we such slaves to what we're told? Words don't push us around. They serve us; not the other way around. I can make up words if I want to. Watch me.
This song is incredibly simple. It's perfect. It makes me feel happy just hearing the piano's opening. What doesn't make me happy is realizing at least half of The Monkees are gone now. That's the thing about life. It goes on until it doesn't. My childhood was a horrible thing I wouldn't wish on anyone, yet I hollowed out perfect moments on my own and in spite of how I was treated. Yes, I had an abusive childhood, which colored subsequent years. The cards I was dealt weren't ideal, yet God made something out of the shambles which I gave Him. Today, I am a stable, somewhat ordinary working-class man who put an end to the cycle of abuse, who treats his son with love and care he rarely or never got. He tells me I'm a good dad. I certainly try.
And now let me share some new and tender realizations. I spend a lot of time alone. Too much. If God would let me, I would deal this loneliness a death blow, but He leads the way and has left this loneliness here for reasons I don't yet understand. I spend a lot of time on TikTok, for instance, which I now see as a kind of drug. Social media relies on dopamine, which is one of the most powerful substances in our body. We have a sort of high while we use these apps, and it quickly disappears after we close them and go about our life, leaving us lower than before. I believe there is spiritual power in some of them, as well, which I don't understand but trust my spirit is not leading me astray when I feel a darkness from certain apps.
Anyway, the reason I relate the fact I am lonely is because it is an important part of my life. Always was. I was the daydream believer. I conjured scenarios and a life outside of where I was at the moment. It was escapism but also a necessary trick learned the hard way — through intense, mind-breaking abuse. Call it dissociation. I considered it necessary. It was the reason I drew Mickey Mouse on my wall in the dark basement room where my parents worked where I napped after school. It was the reason I imagined girlfriends for myself where none existed as I grew older. What's the most accessible way to explain my relations with women? Pick almost any of the Ryan Gosling movies because he almost never ends up with the girl. Blade Runner 2049 is a good example because his love interest isn't even human. Yet he loves her. She says, "You look lonely; I can fix that," and he believes her. I could spend hours writing about my past. Indeed, I have over the years. I believed people were listening along, but when it became clear a year ago the woman I loved didn't want me in her life, readership dropped to under 200 hits/month, which this blog had never seen (usually at least 300/month, sometimes more). No, Joshua, they weren't reading here for you. They wanted to see if the loser could get the girl of his dreams. When it seemed he wouldn't, they stopped reading. My point is, men often imagine they are in a relationship. It's an approximation that works. But, I always wanted something real. I begged God for it. I didn't want to live in a simulation, as compelling as it may have been.
Driving around town today, I realized music was a drug for me, too. I loved music. It doesn't equate to the love a man can have for a woman or anything else. I felt understood. Let me explain. When I was a young boy, I was different. Much more buoyant, trusting, full of life, and with an irrepressible urge to express myself. I loved music. I sang along to everything (especially Stevie Wonder), even if it was only the song in my head. My childhood was a torture chamber and changed me into something which I am still unraveling. I stopped speaking when it was clear no one was listening. When someone listens to me it feels like love. (Probably why I continue to ration my words but am unlearning that habit.) That's the only reason this blog still exists. Men hollow themselves out when they are rejected. They become empty hulls, still alive but devoid of anything that can feel. We shut off what isn't accepted and sort of suicide ourselves while we're still alive. I did that at a young age. Only decades later did God touch those parts of me and speak life back into an empty shell of a man. There is more to explain, but let's get back to here and now. I learned my lesson. Relationships are about the only thing worth doing in life. I shied away from the thing I needed most: loving, respectful, stable relationships.
Since summer is nearly over and my little vacation from reality with it, I worked out a few things. I decided to write down some what I learned over the last nearly 46 years. What worked and what didn't? It's cringey, overly sagacious, and probably flawed in other ways, but let's do it anyway. What worked: exercise, eating well, getting sleep and letting things go, existing in the present, working for myself, job hopping, prayer and trusting God, saving money, using what I have, etc. What didn't work: relationships with women in general, friendships with multiple women (I resist entertaining more than one woman at a time anymore), putting money into homes and cars, trading in cars, pleasing others, impatient decisions, spending money, trusting people, trying to fix the past.
Without trying to explain all of those, let me say it was clear my repeated mistakes seem to be generated by a desire to compensate for or fix a wrong of the past. For example, when I was on my own and was very young, I had a Jeep Wagoneer (Cherokee with faux woody trim) that was possibly the worst vehicle ever made. It leaked oil constantly, was always in the shop, and cost me thousands of dollars I didn't have. It was a nightmare car. When it was clear it was putting my life at risk (it would stall out when I made left-hand turns and the transmission was also failing), I traded it in for a much more reliable vehicle. That experience imbued me with a fear of having a similar experience. Thus, I'm always one step ahead, wasting money trading in cars that are absolutely fine so I don't have to deal with another lemon. The mental and emotional anguish of that first vehicle is still inescapable. Apply that same logic to other things I did which didn't work. For the record, I learned much and continue to grow and adjust. I attest to that with something that happened just this week. I'm much happier and well-adjusted. If I met a young version of myself, I probably wouldn't even like him, though I could surely recognize the potential for brilliance and empathy, wrapped in a hard exterior. Though my early relationships were marred by trauma, I still recognize the importance of having close relationships. What can be used to destroy can also be used to heal. Staying away from the healing power of touch, for instance, will protect me from being betrayed but will also prevent me from healing and moving forward. Things that are real demand real risk, but the payoff is out of this world. It's worth all the trouble and all the inconvenience to at least try. Men, find a woman who wants to try. Use your head. It's easy to see who puts in effort and who doesn't. Find one who puts in effort. She's gonna pull her weight when times get hard. That's worth more than words can express.
I haven't mentioned any of my current relationships. That's because this is a retrospective and my current life is off-limits. My dream girl is in my life. I know it's not healthy longterm to be in a friendship with a woman who I have such strong feelings for, but I'm not in charge of the situation and have no skin in the game. The consequences of giving the situation to God fall to Him. In effect, I stand on the sidelines, wondering why the coach is calling the plays like that.
What I can say about my current situation is this. She wonders why I'm so insecure. Dear, how have you not understood my insecurity? Also, I disagree I'm insecure with her. I feel brave because I have nothing to lose I haven't already lost at some point. I'm seeing a girl who rejected me literally hundreds of times in small ways and leveled blows that still resonate decades later. The worst single rejection of my life was delivered over the phone from this very woman. Yet she wonders why I sometime act insecure. I believe those moments are the exception. Yes, I have weak moments. Probably some may say I'm merely trying to fix a past wrong by trying to make something work with her, but I disagree. I'm not that stupid (go ahead and laugh), and the reasons I have feelings for her are enumerated perhaps hundreds of times in this blog. She always felt like home and I never wanted anything but to exist in her life. Never did I want just a daydream. I've done everything in my power to bring her close — for real. In spite of the very real possibility of debilitating rejection.
Now, let me wish all of you a happy end of summer (depending on where you live in the world) and please pause to enjoy the little things that are glorious and right with your world. Give thanks and be grateful for all the blessings, big and small. God loves you and wants you to live with Him for eternity. If you've never asked Jesus to come into your life, wouldn't you like to do that now? Just say, "Lord Jesus, please come into my heart and save me from all my sins." He will. That's the most important relationship we can secure. It's up to us. God is a gentleman who won't push Himself on us. It's up to us to let Him in. But when He does, it changes everything. God didn't make us to live alone. Those who have jobs that entail a lot of thankless alone time, for instance, undertake the equivalent of smoking two packs of cigarettes a day. It's destructive and unhealthy. We aren't meant to be alone. That's why I understand the prevalence of daydreams. We long to bring someone special into our lives. I get it. Take the first step. Let God into your life. Trust Him and you'll be amazed what follows.
***
I had one of the most perfect days this summer. A lot of them, actually. But one in particular I will remember. My girl, her dog, and my son went for a walk. That's it. We drove out of town and walked around a recreational area. It's proof men don't need a lot to be happy. It sums up a lot of lessons I learned. The best moments of our lives don't have to be big. To me it was. I wish I could do it more. But that's up to God.
Thank you for reading. And God bless.
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