All You Wanted (Michelle Branch)
This song doesn't get enough credit, nor does the singer. Michelle Branch is still popular and produces new material. Her personal life is a subject of interest, as she was married to a man many (actually, just me) considered a handler of sorts. It was an odd relationship. She got divorced and married a different man, at one point accusing him of infidelity and slapping him during an argument, ending with her being charged with domestic assault. I'm sorry, but a woman slapping a man because he may or may not have cheated on her? Drop those charges, bro. That's not domestic assault. That little girl couldn't assault an avocado. You're a weenie. But, anyway.
This song was released in early 2002 during a period when music like this was still popular. It almost has a 90s-song feel, which I like. It has angst, good production, some visual effects, and a pretty girl who can actually sing. The song is important because of the subject matter, which involves a couple in a relationship where some boundaries are being pushed and at least one of them realizes they are not on the same page. Relationships are almost never equal. Why is it like that? I think relationships are important because they teach us things. They aren't necessarily the end game. They are a means to an end. They teach us about ourselves and others, as well as how God sees things, if we're willing to understand.
One thing that should happen when one goes through divorce or the end of a relationship is a sort of soul searching. Conclusions have to form as to why the relationship ended, what worked and what didn't. I can see what I did that made relationships not work. I take responsibility for what I did or didn't do. Do I think it made enough of a difference that, had I acted differently, a crisis could have been averted? No, nor do I think that's a wise way to look at something like a relationship because you are who you are at that period in time. People can change, but our personalities are mostly set. We can modify our behavior only a certain amount. If you're thinking you shouldn't have done something, ask yourself if that's part of your personality or if it's something ancillary and easily changeable. The answer may surprise you. I believe we are attracted to people who have qualities we lack, and that tends to generate friction, but a good match for you is not someone exactly like you. They should challenge you in ways to be better, be more, and grow. That's healthy and expected. If you find yourself wondering "where you go when you're gone" about your partner, I understand. I had that same question. I know the same was wondered about me. People need breathing room. One person cannot be your whole world. Let them go when they need to go. If they come back, they belong to you. Relationships boil down to one thing: two people who keep saying yes.
I've been in the position of wanting more from a relationship, and I've been the one who more was wanted from. It's normal to want more. It's also healthy to realize human beings are finite and cannot supply all our needs. Being in a relationship should make our lives fuller, add joy, and help lend support, among other things. It's important to see your partner with understanding eyes. They are just people, though our feelings make them special to us. Our hearts say they are more, but they are just people. Still, relationships are important and fulfilling in a variety of ways, especially when undertaken with God as a mutual guide. I don't believe human beings are meant to live alone. I am quite affected by loneliness, even though I am an introvert by nature. My spirit confirms being in a relationship with a woman would be a wise move. The Bible has much to say about relationships, as well. A man who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor with the Lord. When two walk together and one falls, the other can pick them up. Two people have warmth, but when you are alone, that is a sort of coldness inside. Being with someone is not the end game, but it's helpful in our respective journeys.
Now, I'd like to branch out (heh) and say a bit more about relationships. (The above was done in pencil, in case you're wondering.) Things are changing in the sphere of human relationships, and we are not ready. Many aren't even aware of what's happening. Consider the advent of artificial intelligence (AI). This year at universities all over the world, professors will be grappling with ways to control how students are using AI. Most won't make changes in time. Some won't ever. And some are working out solutions right now. But there isn't anything that will stop students from using AI to do their work. It's going to factor into everything from now on. Large language models will change everything. Sure, some professors will have more in-class work for students and will demand more references for outside-class work, among other changes. But it won't deter people from using tools like AI. And the ramifications are important because critical-thinking skills are gained by doing things yourself and by yourself. Seeing what works and what doesn't for yourself. Learning comes from doing. Anyone can ask a machine to write a paper. This is going to cause a very large gap in capability for those who are capable and have mastered the concepts presented and those who just want to pass the class. What does that have to do with relationships?
The same thinking applies because in relationships you have those who are working toward mutual fulfillment and happiness and those who just want to make it by. Being outside of a relationship for a number of years taught me things. You can't make someone want you. You can try, of course, but you cannot perform that magic in their heart and mind that leads to them falling for you. That's a personal choice. If their heart is set against you, you're done. Walk away and save yourself time and energy. People either want to put in the effort or they don't. I was talking to a friend about the advent of AI and how it's changing man/woman relationships, and the response was surprising. I said AI is now capable of creating a partner for a man that mimics a real relationship. This was shown in movies and literature for a long time. An example is the movie Blade Runner which came from the book Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? AI is surprisingly life-like and realistic. Many cannot see the difference. But, what happens when you take a photo of your crush or your girlfriend or just any old girl and ask AI to make porn for you featuring their likeness? You can have virtual sex with your crush. Without that person's consent. It's already been done. Expect more of that. Men are good at creating fantasy women. It's what spawned things like Playboy and Penthouse, plastic surgery, and so many unhealthy body trends. But this is new and beyond what we've done before. When I told my friend this, he said, "Sign me up." Because relationships are work. This is easy. The perfect girl. Only she isn't real. Many men would be satisfied with a fake girl. Hell, I've talked to scammers for long periods of time. Why? Because loneliness and boredom does that to you. But at least they were real people.
So, we're looking at a sexless future. Many men are already sexless. Women on dating apps find only 20% of men attractive. So they're already there. And the goods many women offer aren't anywhere near the quality our parents or grandparents got in their women. We're looking at the death of relationships in real time. I may be an outlier in this regard, but I want a real relationship with a real woman, problems, imperfections, and all. There is warmth in that. There is something at stake. There is a realness to it and a lump in your throat when things aren't working. It begs to have your attention. It needs care and love and other things. It's a living thing two people create and tend to. It's work but worth it. I believe it's one of the blessings we get on this planet that we don't get in the hereafter. Do it while you can. This is all you get. And it helps explain things God wants to teach us that are impossible to learn otherwise, just as a person doesn't understand the joys and struggles of parenthood and how that relates to our relationship with God, unless they have a child. God gave us these imperfect means to understand how perfect His love is. Forego being in a relationship or having children and you miss so many beautiful lessons.
Having said that, I learned quite a few things about myself. I freely admit my mistakes in relationships. I know what women want in a man and realize I'm not all that. I have many good qualities, but, for instance, I don't have a lot of self-confidence. I have enough, but I put my efforts into forging a relationship with my Savior instead of myself, so I have confidence in God but very little in myself. I believe that's a win. Go ahead and argue, but I got the better deal. I value knowing my God more than having the love of women.
I made mistakes in the past because I sometimes evinced a savior complex. But, women love using that to their advantage. Playing "little girl lost" or "damsel in distress" really does work. I believe the desire to help a woman is noble, good-intentioned, and ingrained in every man. If she uses that to manipulate a man, then it becomes a trap. I don't like playing games with women. I'm upfront and honest. I do not try to manipulate anyone. Either they are on board with me or not.
My relationship which ended in divorce was doomed. I don't know why it lasted as long as it did. I guess because I kept breathing life back into it. She loved me with every major love language yet I didn't feel loved. It's a lesson. You can't make someone feel what you want them to feel. You can't make them reciprocate. Relationships teach us love is a gamble but is worth doing because loving someone who doesn't return our love is better than not loving. If all we did was love people who only love us, what would that teach us about love?
I didn't want the love of many. My life could be summed up by saying I was searching for one person to love me. I put so much into relationships but got so little back. The more you do for someone, the less they give. Those who only receive become like the Dead Sea, choking on excess. The good news is I found the One who loves me, and with a perfect love. And I desire to give that same love to those around me. Without finding Jesus, I would be dead right now.
A word about social media. It's for women. But it's not good for anyone. Social media does not benefit men. Unless we are looking for a woman. But that's a bad place to find her. Women thrive on attention, which they receive through social media. It creates narcissistic women who don't do well in real relationships because they always have a backup plan. If a woman has a backup plan when she's in a relationship, she's going to flex that option when the going gets hard. She will jump ship as soon as you don't meet her needs. This woman has good insight into why social media is ruining relationships (which I believe is by design). Further making my point is this woman. Think about it, men can only get one thing from women they can't get elsewhere. That's sex. Companionship is available in a number of other ways. Friends, family, God, faith, church, etc. Sex is the only thing women have that truly cannot be replicated. Men get married knowing marriage often doesn't serve them and divorce will ruin them, yet they want access to sex when they want it. That's a big gamble for something one can buy in seedier sections of town. That's how simple men are and how twisted our relationship reality is now. Unfortunately, it often comes down to sex. And that's a whole 'nother post because the man/woman relationship and sex is entirely too complex. Sex is a beautiful act meant to bond men and women with a three-fold cord to God Himself. That's what no one talks about. It is an act done with God's blessing and approval. It's not dirty. It's not a throwaway act. It's not meant to be frittered away or spread around. It's lighthearted and intentional at the same time, yet it's supernatural, powerful, and healing. It drives love into us in a way nothing else can. No wonder it's place has been sullied and shut down by the prince of this world. He knows what sex can do (or undo). God made sex to be enjoyed within certain parameters, and it is a perfect thing when done in accordance with His will. It is the epitome of what is good about life, love, and relationships.
Men adapted to the dating world. So you have situations like what this man describes (language), where men do what they have to do to get what they want (often sex) but don't want relationships with women outside of sex because women made relationships so toxic. I say women in general. There are women who are more traditional and respectful of men, and I've met a few. Which leads us to this post (more language), where men are ogling a woman who isn't even real because it's better than facing a toxic dating culture and relationships that only serve women. AI is a viable solution for many men. Most are already checked out. I don't include myself in that group. Also, I disagree that men and women can be friends. I think men are always looking for an in with a woman. Beware of the woman who has a lot of guy friends. If she's married, I think she really needs to quit her guy friendships. Like yesterday. It's something that destroyed my marriage. Those men are not friends; they are admirers. I have one woman friendship which I hoped would turn into more. Those men are thinking the same thing. Bonus insight: if a woman thinks you're creepy, it's because she doesn't find you attractive.
I'm into one woman who I've written about on this blog extensively. She's real and she makes me happy just knowing she's out there. I wish I had more of her, but what I get from her is real. She's the real deal and an all-around good woman. I don't know if I will end up with her (it's up to her to keep saying yes, and ultimately up to God), but I would like to. If she called it quits, I would leave her alone. As far as I know, she wants to keep trying in her own way. It takes a lot of effort for someone who's been through as much as she has to keep trying. So I give her all the credit in the world for not quitting. I believe it will all be worth it for her because she will get a good man who loves her to the moon and back and will treat her well. Anyway, I made my case for myself. She did as I asked, which was to give me a chance. If it falls apart, I won't be happy, but I will be satisfied because she gave me what I asked for. She respected me enough to try, and for a woman who's been through so much infidelity and abuse to do that, that's a tremendous compliment. I don't completely understand her thought process about trying to move forward with me. It's almost like we're trying to reverse engineer something, and while still searching for the necessary pieces. But, she is trying ... and with me! Whatever happens, the outcome belongs to God, so I guess I don't have to understand what's happening right now.
Relationships are worth it but especially so when the Lord is at the helm. He designed us and put in us a desire for companionship. This is a godly desire but best when He is present. Everything is better when God is in it!
Thank you for reading. And God bless.
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