Of whom the world was not worthy
Of whom the world was not worthy is a phrase that comes from the book of Hebrews. It describes a people mistreated and abused by the world yet beloved of God. They are the purest of God's creation and destined for a greater land than the miserable world they pass through here. The phrase is also a book published in 1978. I use it here to describe a certain woman who never ceases to amaze me. Who knows how long I will feel this way? Perhaps forever.
My feelings for her are stronger than they should be, considering my position. Considering what I've been through. Considering what little I held onto all those years. I chose her and have been smitten with her ever since. When we were children, I believed she was lovely. I remember her smile. I still think it's about the best thing about her. It gets me every time. But I didn't sit down today to write about a woman's smile.
Dear readers, you don't know what that woman has been through. I don't even know. I know it's like the submerged part of an iceberg, hidden but looming underneath. It's there but she hid it well. The trauma she's been through would surely make me cry. I know because what little she told me did make me cry. And it made me angry. It tore into my chest and made me cry out to God for her. A woman — especially a woman like her — should never be treated like that. Yet, somehow, she came out the other side with a sweet and gentle spirit. Whereas I came out of abuse/trauma a broken and tarnished man, she somehow got better through adversity. Truly, her walk with God amazes me. To be near her in some way the rest of my life so I can understand more of how that happened is my wish. To see that woman go through the fire yet remain unburned, without even the smell of it on her. That is what I want.
Though she was used and abused and endured domestic violence and infidelity, somehow I feel there was more. How she came out of any of that makes my head dizzy just considering it. Many women have endured one or another but have they endured all? Still, she loved. She loved with everything she had. She laid herself bare. Like a lamb to the slaughter, she trusted. And then did it again the next day and the next until months turned to years and years turned to decades. What a powerful depiction of God's love for us. What a shining example of how to live. I am in utter awe when I consider that woman.
I'm nowhere near being on the same level as her, no matter the context or comparison. I am not even on the same planet. She is beyond me in every way. Now I see the great error of wanting to be with a woman like that. As far back as I can recall, she has always been off-limits, above and beyond me. Sure, I could learn much from her. But who wants a man like me hanging around? It's true that I've grown tremendously over the years and we may have reached a bit of parity on some matters, but overall, she is out of my league. My goal was always that we could support and uplift one another. Maybe someday that is a possibility. At the rate I'm going, I don't know if I'll catch up to her, though. She's just ... where she needs to be. And I am getting there. She taught me to choose the best thing. Always the best thing in all our decisions. I even made it a part of one of my sermons. Anytime somebody touches another person with something they then carry with them and pass on as well, they get eternal credit.
It is important to have people in my life who help me see the right way to be and act. She shows me that there is a better way. Yes, as a Christian, nothing is off-limits to us. We can have anything we want. But, she says, "This way is better." Keep doing the best thing you can and you'll get there. The best thing I can think of is to be near her. I've always felt attracted to her. There is something about her gentle spirit that draws me near. It is a charisma unlike any other. Looking for her in other people was a destitute expedition that always ended fruitlessly. She is the one and only. You say, "Joshua, you are simply in love, that is all." (Actually, it's possible my love for her turned to a more sustainable admiration. Or vice versa. Who knows anymore.) My friend, I've been through a lot with women. I've seen the best and the worst in all of them. You'd have to see her to understand. Some things aren't conveyed well with words. Like the utterances of the hearts of lovers in bed. It has to be experienced to be understood. Words don't cut it. And that is probably why I keep repeating myself endlessly. I keep trying and failing to show her to you, to make you understand. If standing on a rooftop and shouting would work, I would do that.
You say there is no point in writing these things anymore, that it's over and done and all that. It's hard to explain the burning in my heart when I think of her. As long as that exists, I will of necessity write about her. Until God removes her from my heart, she is embedded in every beat. Yes, I know this love will probably die without the nourishment of love in return. Eventually, my heart will tire of carrying this load. I'm aware of how these things work. I'm not asking her to return to me. I'm not asking anything. I'm just living my life, and somehow she is still with me. Though she went away, the best parts of her remain with me. If there is anything good in me, it is that I can recognize a rare human being. She is one.
I will never be able to shake the things I saw when we were still talking. It was a fundamental reordering of how I see the world. It wasn't just that I fell in love with a woman. (Actually, I think I've always loved her.) It was that she showed me so much and taught me more. I finally got what life was about. Now, that is a godly woman. If she can do that from a distance through fragmented messages, can you imagine sharing your life with her? What a blessing I turned down all those years ago. My foolishness never ceases to amaze me. She went into the teeth of a lion and remained good and pure and sweet and kind. I went through hell and turned into an angry old man. What is the difference between us? Her heart. It churns out love with every beat. I want to be like her. God, let me be more like that. Let me learn from her. That is my prayer.
Some people are not worthy of the dim world they pass through. They are made of something different and special. She is one of them.
***
Recently, I felt a chapter in my life end. I thought it would be harder. Looking back, the hardest changes of my life, I felt God simply said it was time. It's hard to explain. I'll write more later perhaps. It was clear God was saying it's time to go forward but in a specific way He determines. If that's the only way forward, and if He will bless it, I am on board. I don't understand and I'm frankly afraid, but this is what I waited and prayed for. So I have to do it.
It was impressed upon me the rightness of what I wrote about choosing love. I read in Ruth recently how she chose to follow Naomi with some of the most beautiful words in the Bible (Ruth 1:16-17). Love is a beautiful thing. How I long for a woman to say those words to me. I know I could easily say them to her. That statement is love. My whole life I searched for love and couldn't find it. Maybe because I didn't know what it looked like. Now I do. Love is just a choice. If love is a choice, then it is attainable.
I rewatched the movie Hoosiers recently and it reiterated what I've been feeling lately. My life is hard to explain to most people. Nobody understands my intentions. My life is largely illegitimate to them. What I'm doing isn't popular or understood. But, I feel it's the right thing. They'll never see what I'm trying to do or the goodness of my intentions. People see what they want to see. The things I'm doing now, no one can understand except those who are also good of heart. I have peace because I feel God gave me an open door and sees my heart. It may not look right to everyone, but I don't serve everyone. Only God can judge me, though others try. I've made mistakes in life. But I'm not defined by those mistakes. It's time to walk forward. It's not how I imagined, but it's how God answered my prayer. Amen.
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