Goodbye, broken heart
I chose this photo because it makes me feel happy. I'm choosing happiness. What could make a man happier than to be greeted by his dog and his girl? Who we surround ourselves with is an important aspect of the healing process. A recovering drug addict cannot hang out with his old druggie friends. He has to be with people who uplift and make him want to stay sober. I recently posted what my mom sent me called "Devotional: Healing the Brokenhearted," which was from Derek Prince Ministries. It spoke to my heart as only God can. So many things lately speak to my heart. My heart is listening. I prayed God would heal my heart. I prayed He would give me a new heart. I prayed He would change my heart. Change me. Everything I could think of. Finally, I simply gave my heart to Him. I gave up. And that's when I started to see change.
A huge part of the healing process involves forgiveness and the deeper the trauma, the more there is to forgive. I could recount for days the awful things that happened to me. Forgiveness isn't just for the offender. It's for me. It allows me to go free. And that's why it was so important. I also willed myself to forget some things (God willing) because I don't want or need the memories. (Still, if I can't forget, the memories have no power over me.) I want to forgive like Jesus forgives so the offending material no longer exists. I don't want to hold onto even the memories. It's all gone, as far as I'm concerned. This is a huge breakthrough.
I've been reading a short book called Svali Speaks, written by a survivor of trauma-based mind control (TBMC). Reading about betrayal programming caused me to pause. Indeed, I was programmed this way. I am intimately aware of what goes on in TBMC, though my programming was disorganized. Those nearest betrayed me from a young age. Some of those memories I don't even have, but I know what happened because I was told. Still, I forgive. I don't know why those things had to happen. But I know I have to forgive.
The hardest person to forgive has been me. Still, I have the example of those who came before me who made grave mistakes yet were greatly used by God. Forgiveness is the key to unlocking so many blessings. I practice it daily (sometimes many times a day) when the devil brings things to mind that would normally upset me. I say a simple prayer and forgive that person; confess the sins of unforgiveness, bitterness, and resentment; and ask God to bless that person and help me love them as Jesus does. Yes, even myself. That's the hardest thing. How do I love myself like Jesus loves me? Seemingly impossible, but that is what I seek. This whole process helped me see myself in a different light. If I can love myself (not as the world tells us to love ourselves) as Jesus does, that changes the whole game. If I can do that for others, can you imagine what my world suddenly becomes? Christianity asks its adherents to do things that are absolutely the hardest things ever.
What this healing and forgiving process allowed me to do is grow in leaps and bounds. I'm no longer afraid of being hurt like I used to be. If someone says or does something hurtful, I don't blame them (or myself, most likely). I let it go. I say the prayer above. It's gone. The devil brings it to mind again and I say the prayer again. The same thing when he attacks my assurance of salvation. Fine, if you are going to bother me, I'll pray the prayer of salvation again until you leave me alone. When we defeat the devil, the process is two-fold. First, submit to God, then resist the devil. It is impossible to defeat the devil unless we first submit to God. That is why so many people are fighting a losing battle with the devil. (And it's not a war where you can be neutral.) They have not submitted themselves to God. And, of course, the Bible says God's people are destroyed for lack of knowledge. Lack of knowledge of what? How the devil works. God's laws. You name it.
For many years, I believed I was breaking my own heart. I was holding onto things that were incredibly hurtful. No one was even hurting me. I was simply holding onto hurts. It was impossible to move forward in any meaningful way without first discarding those hurts. So, goodbye, broken heart. When I gave my heart to God recently, I naturally let go of everything connected to it. There are people who are embedded in and wrapped around my heart and go down into the very fibers. If I were to extract them from my heart, it would have killed me. I didn't have a solution. It's like my son giving me a knotted-up shoelace. He's like, "I can't do anything more with this. Dad will help me." That's where I was with my heart. It was all knotted up, broken, and unfixable. He got my broken heart. What a deal. God will take my heart's desires and direct them as He wishes. He will use my heart to move me in a beneficial direction and bring about His will. If He wants to change my heart, He can. It's not my problem anymore. I feel free knowing it is out of my hands. What a blessing to finally give up on something so big that I could not fix. Another thought is the people who broke my heart will never be able to heal it. I couldn't go to them for healing, restoration, or reconciliation. God will heal me.
No, I may never know why anyone treated me wrong, why they left my life, why I wasn’t good enough, or why my life was so unfair. It isn't necessary to know why. My mom used to say I have a question mark for a brain. Might be true. I always wanted to know why. When I was in high school, I got incredibly depressed for a time because I knew God had someone to marry for every believer but what about unbelievers? Is that why I ended up with Kate? Missionary dating doesn't work. I've seen people try. It's ugly. I wasn't trying to do that, but maybe on a subconscious level I was trying to rectify a wrong. I can't save anyone by being with them. Their walk with God is up to them. What I'm trying to say is I have to get on the right path first, and then God will bring someone my way. Going out and searching for someone probably isn't the best idea. Still, God can direct that, as well. It's all about letting God lead us. I got really uptight with God about a particular thing recently and asked why I couldn't move forward and the answer was a swift, "It isn't time yet." I was chomping at the bit. God said, "Hold on a bit." I felt a peace wash over me and haven't struggled with that thought since. There is a God-directed process that must take place first. But, the good news is, I can move forward in other ways. That is happening right now.
Letting go of unforgiveness, bitterness, and resentment is one way forward. Giving my heart to God for His use (and not my own, and for its protection, which I was never able to accomplish) is another. Those two aspects are vital. When before I felt in great danger, now I do not. When before I felt unsafe, now I do not. When before I could not move forward, now I feel I am able. Read that again. Now I am able to move forward. Perhaps this unblocked my heart? I will be moving soon. I need to have this peace in my heart. To not be afraid. (No one knows how frightened I am.) To focus on God and not myself. I asked God to fast-track my progress, and I am witnessing that. This is amazing. (And scary! And too fast!) I know there will be setbacks, and I am a long way from where I should be, but this is what progress looks like. I don't want to be a ripe fruit. (Once it ripens, it begins the rotting process.) I want to always be growing and getting there.
Holding onto hurt was binding me to people in an ungodly way. (Sometimes it was literally the only thing binding me to someone, but I still couldn't let go.) I don't know how to adequately explain that, but that's how I understand it. Forgiving them (and myself) freed all of us — forever. This way, we all win. The way I was doing it, we all lose. I pray for God's blessing for all those who hurt and/or disappointed me. This is the real deal. I'm getting there. I'm making tremendous progress. I finally see what I was doing wrong. God showed me I had a lot of hidden bitterness. I'm letting go of that, bit by bit, piece by piece, day by day, as it is brought to my attention. Every day that goes by, I feel more buoyant. Freer. Happier. Letting go finally allows me to grab onto something better. No one but me knows the progress I've made since March or through the summer. It's simply astounding, now what I look back.
Anytime a Christian is having trouble growing and progressing, my advice is to look at unforgiveness issues first. Unforgiveness blocks God’s blessings and the fruits of the spirit found in Galatians 5:22-23. Maybe I’m just talking about myself. All I know is it was incredibly helpful to simply forgive. I don’t have to fix anything. I don’t have to know anything. I don't have to understand anything. I don't have to try to be good enough. I don't have to hear an apology. And I certainly don't have to be a slave to hurts anymore. All I have to do is forgive. I don’t know how much longer I have on this earth, but I won’t spend my days as I have in the past. I’m on the fast track toward something better, more beautiful, and eternal. (Isaiah 43:19) It doesn't matter who accepts me or wants me in their lives anymore. God's love is greater than any human love. Letting go of rejection allowed me to grab onto Him even more. Look what I was missing out on all this time.
With an eye toward the future and God directing my steps, I am happy as I write this. Happy for the first time in a long time. I'm not where I want to be. And I know absolutely zero about my future. But with God holding my hand, why would I want to be anywhere else?
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Some thoughts.
I am a very loyal person, even beyond reason. An example. My son is into riding bikes lately. My old bike I've had since I was 13 isn't really up to the task. It's garbage. I should throw it away. I won't, even though I ordered a new bike. I will keep that piece of junk out of loyalty and sentimental reasons. I do the same thing with people. I really should say goodbye to some people, but I can't.
This blog is a small part of my life. I know I've said it before. It's not the me that walks around every day. It's a small but vital (and secret) part of my life right now. Hopefully, I won't always need it. This is the part of me that was left behind that the rest of me is trying to get caught up. It's the stunted, needy, broken, and sad part that needs to heal. The trend lately is closure, milestones, and the next chapter. Things changed. Doors closed. Other doors opened. I'm going from one big thing to another big thing. Stuff is happening. I don't understand yet, but I'm getting there. I've had some bumps lately and some really rough patches, but overall I've seen progress. That is what I keep my eyes on. That and my Savior. I think I'll have some exciting things to write about.
One thing I like to do for people is pray for them unawares. Like if I see a person full of care, I will ask God to lighten their load and minister to them. Maybe it makes a difference. I don’t know. Sometimes you don’t know what to do so you just pray.
I have a chronic cough that is greatly wearing on me. It's been there for years but has recently gotten worse. It is a prayer request.
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