Facing an unknown future
We all face an unknown future every day. None of us are in control, though we think we are. We plan and go about our lives as if we are masters of the universe. I used to feel that way. The closer I walk with God, I realize I control nothing. Everything is given to me, especially the power to make wealth. All my material goods. My talents. Even my desire to seek God is given to me. My faith, even. Really, of what can I boast? I boast of God.
I know that stuff. Yet, there are moments in life when it is impressed upon me more than usual. Maybe it's just the fact that I have a routine with which I am comfortable. A small, manageable life. Enough things to keep me occupied. Not too many. Not too few. In short, I'm comfortable. What happens when that comfort is taken away and I am faced with more unknowns?
That is where I am right now, with my old life stripped away and now entering a new life. Hey, I know God is in control. I gave Him everything I have, not for His sake (who would want it anyway), but for mine. Everything I have belongs to God. Still, it was helpful for me to state and know and feel that. I felt so barren and scared about going forward because my strength has waned. But it's not by my power that I go. My original reasons for going evaporated. Now I go simply because God opened a door. This is hard to explain to most people. I'm not asking anyone to understand. I don't understand either.
I've been very uptight about the whole thing for reasons which I cannot adequately explain in this space. That is between me and God. I felt a tremendous amount of resistance in the spiritual realm against moving forward — and moving forward in this specific way. God created a pathway forward, and this is it. I simply have to trust. I don't understand, but this is how He chose to move me forward. While it may seem like a tremendously bad idea to some, and I can't help but agree on some matters, it's not up to me.
For some reason, God put it in my heart years ago to go this way. I would not do it otherwise. The fact that God opened the door twice now in a resounding way should reinforce me somehow. It's hard to explain all the hows and whys and everything contained in this. All I know is God is in control and I am not. I'm along for the ride.
The morning I wrote this, I woke in my bed with a verse in my mind and an image to accompany. It was a verse God gave me more than three years ago for a specific situation. (I had forgotten where it even lived in the Bible.) I put it in the back of my mind and even wrote it down for a time. I kept it, then threw it away when it seemed impossible. This morning, when I prayed and opened my Bible as I lay in bed, I read in Psalms and then in a different book. In the second book, the verse that came to me was the first thing I read. After touching on that very thing in my prayers and then feeling God speak to me and then having the confirmation of the verse being in my morning reading, you would think I would be full of joy. Honestly, it was more like wonder. A small number of times when God spoke to me, I walked around in a daze for days afterward, simply in wonder of His words.
That is how I feel now. I don't have to do anything or be anything. I just have to follow along and trust. I know I'm vague about what I'm talking about. That's because I don't really know anything. I know I'm moving. I know I will have a new job and a new street and a new life in many ways. If you feel lost reading this, consider how lost I am writing it. Perhaps I can liken it to starting a journey in your car at night. You get in, close the door, fire up the engine, and off you go. The lights turn on, and that's as far as you can see. You only see as far as your lights shine and no further. You don't need to see the whole way. Just enough in front of you. That's where I am. Starting that journey.
I know crises will arise, which God will help me through. Those moments are revealing of our position in Christ and offer an opportunity to forsake unhelpful things and move closer to God. I am committed to moving forward, not just because I feel it is the right thing to do but also because I'm scared of what is back there. Moving forward is my only option.
Because of the abuse I suffered in my childhood, I have a suicide programming built in. God is unraveling that. I can feel it. When I feel cornered or at my wits end, my thoughts run to God instead of escape. When my programming is being erased, I feel the urge to escape in an ultimate way, but instead, I run to God. That's a huge improvement and a godly way to deal with my problems.
My entire approach to life changed over the last few years. I'm not as anxious. I'm not as fragile as I once was. I'm not as hurt or as searching. I healed and found. My divorce was the catalyst to get me to change. I simply had to change because I was so unhealthy and suffering endlessly. My soul was tired. As I write this, I feel revived. I feel hope. I know the future may not be easy, but it will be better than the past. Instead of repeating myself a bunch more about why I believe that, I will end this post.
If you care, say a prayer for me as I go through stuff. I had a twin vision for how my life would look four years after divorce. It doesn't look like either. But I trust and obey, regardless. What I want isn't important anymore. My heart is changed. This post is number 515. It took me a long time to get this far. I'm not going back. Though I may backslide for a while, it is not in my heart to return to where I came from. The only way forward is the way God provides. So I go.
***
After I posted this, and after much prayer, I received a rather shocking and blatant confirmation that I am indeed on the right path regarding moving. Amen.
Comments
Post a Comment