my careless contagion

I talked to the girl I love for a couple of hours yesterday. I love her dearly. It's impossible to express how much. One thing that became apparent years ago after she came back into my life (more than six years now) was how much she went through. The evidence was there. One of the first things she told me was she felt like a doormat. And then it was revealed she was neglected, abused, and cheated on. My heart went out to her because I endured much the same. I really hope she doesn't see this post in a negative light. It is a love letter of a different sort. I want her to know I will always be there for her and will do everything I can to protect her heart.  I don't know how deep the wounds go. Something tells me she put on a cheerful front for so long she doesn't even know. She is so used to distrusting she has to fight through her protective mechanisms and inclination to see my words and actions in a negative light. I pray to see her blossom and realize intimacy with ...

Rejection played a big role in my life. It doesn't have to be intentional. People passively reject others all the time. It doesn't have to be something we even think about in order to reject someone. Do I think everyone who rejected me wanted to hurt me? No, in fact, I don't think any of them wanted to hurt me. It was unintentional. But, if I perceive something as rejection, it is rejection, regardless. I can't tell someone I didn't hurt them if they felt hurt by something I did. With that out of the way, here are a few things I learned about rejection. This is only my opinion.  One of the worst things about the rejection I felt from my family (and I heard this from others who experienced the same) was I felt the need to change somehow. As in, they wouldn't reject me if I was someone else or changed my behavior. I think this is perhaps how I ended up with a different personality than my birth order would suggest. My natural personality is laid back and silly, fu...

Happy Thanksgiving! It's my favorite holiday. My gift to y'all is this post! I couldn't resist writing about this song. It's been making the rounds. In case you haven't heard it in a while, go ahead and take a listen. It's Your Love by The Outfield, released in 1985. What compelled me to write was the icky feeling one gets when one reads the lyrics, if one is wont to read the lyrics. (That was a weird sentence. I think I'll do it again.) And one must always read the lyrics with 80s songs because there is always wanton weirdness. This one is straight-up gross. Go ahead and check out the lyrics.  Lyrics: Josie's on a vacation far away Come around and talk it over So many things that I want to say You know I like my girls a little bit older I just want to use your love tonight I don't want to lose your love tonight I ain't got many friends left to talk to Nowhere to run when I'm in trouble You know I'd do anything for you Stay the night but ...

Of whom the world was not worthy is a phrase that comes from the book of Hebrews. It describes a people mistreated and abused by the world yet beloved of God. They are the purest of God's creation and destined for a greater land than the miserable world they pass through here. The phrase is also a book published in 1978. I use it here to describe a certain woman who never ceases to amaze me. Who knows how long I will feel this way? Perhaps forever.  My feelings for her are stronger than they should be, considering my position. Considering what I've been through. Considering what little I held onto all those years. I chose her and have been smitten with her ever since. When we were children, I believed she was lovely. I remember her smile. I still think it's about the best thing about her. It gets me every time. But I didn't sit down today to write about a woman's smile.  Dear readers, you don't know what that woman has been through. I don't even know. I know...

What is love? No, not the song by Haddaway. But, really. I want to know what love is. No, not the song by Foreigner. You may ask, "What's love got to do with it?" No, not the song by Tina Turner. Oh, stop, Joshua.  People use the word "love" casually. They talk about how they love their shoes, their favorite shows, and pumpkin spice lattes. Has our concept of love changed? Have we changed?  I like those stories of couples who are married for 60-some years who die within hours of each other. OK, not the dying part, but the rest of it. They spent their lives together and couldn’t exist without each other. But is that love or something else?  What is love? Is it loyalty? (If so, then dogs take the cake.) A feeling in your gut? (Which you may or may not be able to trust.) Cake and a card on your birthday? (All purchasable.) Is there a definition of love?  Love is defined in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 as, "Charity (aka love) suffereth long, and is kind; ch...

You were not the first, sir, and you certainly were not the last. But you were certainly one of the worst.  Her love affair with you was not brief. I don't know when it started, but she did tell me she was in love with you. I told her love is just a choice we make every day. These are things a man should not have to tell his wife. Who knows what she told you, what evils she relayed to you about our relationship. I'm sure I was a bad man and she deserved better, but you only got part of the story, sir. Yes, she deserved better, but so did I. She cheated on me incessantly, and my small attempts to equalize the balance of power were seen as devilish, I'm sure. But who was the bigger devil? I did lash out in anger, but mostly undetectable anger. I meant to hurt her, but in other, less-obvious ways than she did. Maybe you missed all that backstory. Maybe you didn't care. True, I was not a saint. But you two put me to shame. You spent a lot of time at my house, and o...

It comes as no surprise to anyone, but I've been a little angry. And not just lately. Yes, I have reason to be angry. But how helpful is anger, especially as time goes on? How long should I be angry?  My anger stems from my childhood. It was drilled into me to be frustrated and angry (mostly by my brothers) by the physical abuse from my father, and also general neglect (which is just a form of abuse). They not only put anger in me, but they made sure I was constantly defeated, ensuring the pattern of defeat would continue long after they were done traumatizing me. I embodied defeat. I still do. Some of the angriest people I have known — and sometimes they don't even know why they are angry — are those who have endured childhood trauma in the form of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse. Of course, there are those who hide those things, too, under a veneer of tranquility and kindness. Well, I've made no bones about my anger. This whole dynamic is portrayed pretty flaw...

It's a long-running joke. What do women want? Not even they know because women — all of them — are a mystery. A big, beautiful mystery.  It's no secret I have very little experience with women. I have experience with one woman . She was really my first serious girlfriend. I basically moved in with her the night I met her. Okay, we talked for about eight months on the phone and over the internet. But, really, I showed up and that was it.  So my first real relationship was full-on, all the way, live. And within a year, it was essentially over. She cheated on me shortly after we moved into an apartment after living in her mom's house for several months. I saw that infidelity as a test, like, she wants to see how much I love her. But, really, she was just an asshole because the testing never actually stopped. She abused my love until I no longer loved her. And that allowed me to engage in a lot of behavior (some self-destructive, some destructive to our relationship) I w...