The perplexities of the human female

It's a long-running joke. What do women want? Not even they know because women — all of them — are a mystery. A big, beautiful mystery. 

It's no secret I have very little experience with women. I have experience with one woman. She was really my first serious girlfriend. I basically moved in with her the night I met her. Okay, we talked for about eight months on the phone and over the internet. But, really, I showed up and that was it. 

So my first real relationship was full-on, all the way, live. And within a year, it was essentially over. She cheated on me shortly after we moved into an apartment after living in her mom's house for several months. I saw that infidelity as a test, like, she wants to see how much I love her. But, really, she was just an asshole because the testing never actually stopped. She abused my love until I no longer loved her. And that allowed me to engage in a lot of behavior (some self-destructive, some destructive to our relationship) I wouldn't even consider doing in a relationship now. Her bad behavior justified mine. That's what I told myself. 

Let's back up. I grew up in an almost-all-male household. And my mom was a tomboy. I remember leaving a swim meet one time with my mom driving (this must have been the time I left my bike there overnight and someone threw it in the deep end of the pool), and there was a preacher on the radio talking about the differences between men and women. He started out saying men wanted sex and women wanted love. A little simplistic, I thought, but I was hoping he would elaborate. But my mom turned off the radio. We didn't talk about stuff like that. I got "the (sex) talk" about, well, human physiology, basically, when I was 12. My dad didn't take me aside and explain anything. It was my mom. And then my oldest brother a bit later (and I always resented the fact he tried to fill my father's shoes). It really wasn't about sex or anything. It was just stuff I mostly knew anyway. It wasn't helpful. And there was never any relationship advice, which would have been monumentally helpful.

I never learned anything about women when I was growing up. Living with a woman taught me about a woman, not women in general. I still think they are a cult of strangeness. Ya know, I used to be friends with girls. Until we all reached a certain age. Then all of that stopped. You know what? I miss that. I want to be friends with a girl again. Like, best friends. That's really all I wanted from my ex. Even with the cheating, I still said she was my friend, and I even described our relationship as "beautiful" one time because we could talk about anything. Clearly, that is not the case now nor has it been for many years. But at one point, I would have died for that girl if she asked me to. Maybe even if she didn't ask me to. As it turns out, the beautiful part of our relationship was one-sided.

I've given up on knowing women. I just want to know one woman. You know who I'm talking about. She's more than enough for me. It looks like I've missed my chance for that, so I'm not sure where to go from here. A string of no-go relationships, near misses, and one really long, bad one does not make me an expert on love or sex or friendship. It just reinforces the notion I am clueless and need help. But there is no one who will help me. There isn't anyone giving talks to middle-aged men about how to be friends with or how to love a woman. I'm on my own once again. 

So, instead of forging ahead with no clear knowledge on the subject, I've essentially given up. I could list the many perplexities that have gone through my head regarding females in the last few years, but I'd be wasting everyone's time. Let's just say it's like entering a hall of mirrors with slippery floors and one dim lightbulb overhead, with the whole place swaying and shaking, and with the piercing sound of buzzsaws coming from some unknown corridor. And the place is locked from the outside. I simply sat down and gave up, covering my ears and closing my eyes. I could literally sit here for hours on end and write about the things that puzzle me about my last relationship (with the girl I am in love with). This is a venue for my cluelessness, true, but I don't think it would be a helpful exercise at this point. The relationship was over more than two years ago. It would be beating a dead horse. If I haven't figured out what happened yet, chances are slim I ever will.

I remember holding a girl's hand as we walked away from a church meeting into the Thousand Oaks night with the heat of the day emanating from the pavement. I remember that moment because it felt pure. We were two virgins. Speaking for myself, I was as untouched as could be. I hadn't even kissed a girl. I didn't even know I was supposed to do that. I like that memory because it's simple. It's not complicated. We were both happy to be alone and together. There was no thought at least in my mind of what could be or what should be. There was no striving. There were no games. There were no questions. It was just a moment and it was gone. I don't miss the girl, but I miss that moment and that time in my life. I was 15 or 16 and things were uncomplicated. 

When did things get complicated? I remember when a girl in high school invited me to her house because I wanted to drive her dad's car (which my young mind said was awesome). I thought for a moment and my mind raced through all the things I would have to do to drive that car and what it would look like to everyone, who I'd have to meet,  and would I be "leading her on," stuff like that. I said that would be cool, but I never did anything about it. See, complicated. Not a walk under the California stars. 

Then there are the things that women say that they don't even mean. And then they stew and hate you when you can't figure out what they're thinking without them even saying anything. It's all batshit crazy. There's no logic in that. And when a woman says, "Sometimes no means yes," that's when my head explodes. No, I will stay the hell away from that, thank you very much. That sounds like a trip straight to crazy town. I'm not a guy who is going to play that game.

I'm sorry, everyone. I've let you down. I've given up. The only one who can lead me out of this house of horrors does not live in this realm. I've tried everything I can think of and nothing worked. I do believe God is intimately involved in our lives and cares about our earthly existence (and not just what we do of heavenly value). He wants to bless us here and now. So, if God wants to bless me with a relationship someday, I will gladly accept it. But that's the only way. I'm done trying to figure out the vast perplexities of the human female. Even if I narrow down my search to one in particular (and I have), she will keep me busy the rest of my life with the immense mystery that lives in her head, her heart, and her soul. But I'm pretty sure I will never understand her completely. There will always be mystery in her eyes.

So, what do women want? I don't know. I've never known. It's quite possible it isn't me or anyone even remotely like me. They all say they want someone like me, but it's clear that's not true. When it comes down to it, they choose the asshole over the nice guy every time. And, just about the time they give up hope and say all men in the universe are dicks, they look over at the nice guy they spurned long ago and see him making some lovely little thing the happiest woman in the world. And then they get it. Well, maybe women aren't so inscrutable after all. Because I passed on the nice girl a lifetime ago, and I'm the one who now gets it. Touche, ladies. 

This post isn't meant to seem like I'm bashing any particular woman or the gender as a whole. I think women are amazing. Definitely mysterious, though. I mean, they can bring life into this world. They have a range of experiences and emotions I can't even have. They have a whole galaxy of hormones I don't have. They have different plumbing. They have a unique perspective on everything. And they are as different from each other as snowflakes. But as far as understanding them, I missed the boat. I don't know how a man could seek out more than one woman in his life because I think one is more than enough to try to understand!

Thank you for reading.