July 16

July 16, 2017, is the day Cindy broke off our relationship for good. I asked her not to come to see me if that was her intention. She did anyway. Some things have to be done in person.

It was fair, though. I didn't think I'd get the girl. I used her to help destroy my marriage, and that's unforgivable. I tainted that perfect girl with our illicit relationship, and she ended it with class and poise. She was sick that weekend. So sick. Yet she came to see me. She had to do what she was going to do; that was clear. And she did it with practiced precision. When it was over, I cried. I said I wanted to be alone. Then I reversed and said I wanted to look at her because I realized it might be the last time I saw her. She shook with sobs as we hugged and said goodbye.

There is a picture of me when I got home that day. My son is sitting with me in a chair, drinking his milk. I look tired as usual, but there is something else. I look like I have been gutted. And, indeed, I had. I had just lost the girl of my dreams. I remember we said a prayer in our motel room. I remember she left earlier than she had the last weekend we had together, like she just couldn't wait to get out of there. And I remember how pretty she looked in her dress, the family we watched play in the park, the heat of the day, and saying goodbye, of course.

Something strange happened. God told me something completely unexpected later that year. I still don't know what to make of that. Only time will tell if what I heard was really God's voice. I have brought it up thousands of times and still get the same answer, so that's even more perplexing. I mean, I have been more than willing to accept the fact that I'm in error if I am indeed in error. Every time I lay this at God's feet, I get the same answer. It makes me want to pull my hair out! Anyway, I thought it was all good and over. But we continued in little ways to be in each other's lives. I watched her go through unspeakable pain. And my pain was the result of losing two women at once, watching my world tumble through sickening changes, and not seeing my son (because I was now taking a full load of classes). I thought maybe waiting would sort things out. Two years later, things only got more complicated and messy. And we went backward from each other like we were infected with the plague.

All of this shows how clueless we were and how neither of us had done anything like this before. But, as time went on, it was clear something was hanging on between us. That something was what I ended on Saturday, July 13, just three days ago. I want to take it back with every part of my being, but keeping that hope alive was exhausting. I wanted her to have the very best, even if that wasn't me. Severing ties once and for all was the only way to do that because ever since I came into her life, she was confused and things got messier and messier for her. I wanted to eliminate her confusion once and for all and make her choice very easy. Because I was the confusion. Her life was all figured out before I came along. Sometimes doing the right thing means saying goodbye, and it's the kindest thing we can do for someone. I hope she sees it that way someday.

It was an act of selflessness or cowardice. I'm not sure which. All I know is it was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I believed it to be the right thing. I can chart her downward spiral from the moment I came into her life until now. I hate myself in so many ways for that. If I had set out to write a sad book, I could not write anything sadder than how this thing played out. My soul was full of sadness before this, and now it's like a fountain of sadness. But I'm not sad for me. I'm sad for Cindy, her children, and her ex the most. I want to apologize to each of them. Maybe this will atone for my heinous actions over the past 2.5 years. I'm sorry. My heart wasn't always in the right place. I wanted something that wasn't mine. Now I've given it back to its rightful owner. 

My love for her was out of this world. It will always be strong. She will be the first and last woman I love like that. There is no one like her in this world, and I will miss her with every cell in my body. No doubt I will continue to write poetry and prose about her. It's in my heart, and it must find a way out. It just won't find its way to her anymore. 

My breakup with her was comical. It was one-sided. She did not accept it, though there was really nothing to break up when you think about it. We didn't have a relationship. I didn't call her names, but I made it as ugly and mean as possible. The sting of that will drive her away for the rest of her life, I'm sure. The pain of wounding someone I love is unbearable, but it's for her good. I hope she forgives me. My heart was in the right place.

I will always love her. She lives in my big, dumb, dying heart. Until I die, she will be the only one I want. But I want her to be happy more than I want having her. And that's what I've learned about love. It's not about me. It's about who we love. Saying goodbye was not for me; it was for her. I hope she sees it that way someday. Until then, I hope she knows I'm sorry. 

[An update on this:] The night I "broke things off," I couldn't sleep. My head was so hot. And it was hot in my apartment, in spite of my new air conditioner running full blast. But I laughed as I went to bed because the whole thing was so ridiculous. I mean, I literally cannot do anything right. I suck at relationships. I suck at ending relationships. Our conversation was just me being a dick and her standing back waiting for me to finish. I wanted her to fight me; she did not want to fight. My plan was to make her life easier. Instead, I just made her feel sad for me. But this is the kind of woman she is. Instead of being hurt and fighting with me, she just felt sad for me. SHE FELT SAD FOR ME! If y'all had read the things I said about her, you'd realize how odd that last sentence is. She felt sad for me?

So, here I was trying to be noble and "do the right thing," for which I should probably get a pat on the head at least, and all I really did was make her sad. She didn't accept what I was trying to do. She reiterated she was my friend and said this was totally not like me. I don't think she completely understood what I was trying to do. Maybe she just thought I was going off the rails. But I had a plan, and I was sticking to it, dammit! 

The next day I couldn't shake the uneasiness in my bones and the sick feeling in my stomach. I went to God and asked if I had done the right thing. The answer was quick. I had not. In fact, I had done one of the things He told me not to do. I wasn't trusting Him. I wanted to force a solution. Then I asked if there was any way to fix this thing and what I should do. Well, you apologize, dummy! And then leave it in God's hands again. Everything I thought I was doing for her good had backfired. Now I had to humble myself and apologize.

So I did apologize. With grace, she accepted my apology and forgave me, saying we had both dealt with each other's messes. I was dumbfounded yet again. Any other woman would have made me jump through hoops to atone for or explain the mean things I said. If I felt small after my conversation with God, then I felt even smaller after my conversation with her. Yes, she still wants to keep her distance from me, and after my tirade, that distance will grow. But, wow, the class on this girl is astounding. She could help me be a better person if I ever get the chance to be with her. Just watching her go through life is an education.

This isn't just me pointing out what an idiot I am. If you've been reading this blog for any length of time, you should already know I'm an idiot. While my heart may have been in the right place, I didn't act in an informed way. I didn't pray about what I did before I did it, though I felt it was right. My conversation with God afterward shows just how far away from His will I was. And I should be in a better place than that, especially at this point in the game. But we are all willful children, and mistakes will be made. I sincerely hope the woman I love realizes I was just trying to give her a solid out. That was my plan, at least. But God doesn't tell us to be noble in our own way. He wants us to be obedient. In all of my apologizing that day, I apologized the most to God. Hopefully, I didn't do irreparable damage. Hopefully, my explanation makes at least a little sense. I thought I was doing the right thing. But I was not. For that I am very sorry. To me, it's just so obvious what her choice should be (no, it's not me). I've been saying for more than two years she needs to go back to that. I never wanted her to divorce her husband. I just wanted her to be happy.

If I were to analyze the dynamic Cindy and I have right now (when we talk, which is to say, not often or almost never), I would have to say it is ... troubling. It wasn't always like that, which gives me hope it may one day change. But there is nothing changing it as far as I can see. It has only gotten worse as time progressed. It's like a push and retreat thing. I push, and she retreats. I say something stupid, and she recoils, which makes me say more stupid shit because I have no idea why she recoiled. And that causes the rift to be bigger, which makes the whole thing tenser. There's a whole lot of silence and wondering instead of healthy conversation. If we do have a conversation, then I get greedy and want more, but then she drops off the face of the planet again. If we go a long time without talking, then the bad conversations stick out even more. It's like erasing your favorite songs on an album and just hearing the bad ones over and over again. It's gone on like that for years now. 

That's an oversimplification. We've had a lot of good conversations over the years. But most have been shitty. Whenever I would want to talk to her, I would remember our last conversation, which was shitty, and then I would decide to not talk to her. I'm sure she's done this more than I have because I'm usually the one who initiates conversations. The fact that in our last conversation we both said we "can't do this anymore," well, that says a lot. Why don't we just let the whole thing go? I'm healthy enough to move on now. Maybe she isn't. Maybe she needs that hope? I only have questions about us. I have zero answers and subsequently zero hope we will be together someday. She used to sometimes talk about us being together someday. It's been a long time since she's said anything like that. I cannot comprehend why God would tell me the things He's told me. Zero answers. Zero comprehension. Zero relationship. Why on earth can't I walk away?


I mean, if we've been in each other's lives for more than 2.5 years and we've only gone backward from each other, what's going to stop that? I thought ending things for good would be the right thing, but it wasn't accepted by both God and the girl, which is absolutely, maddeningly perplexing on so many levels. I apologized for being a dick, but how do I apologize for breaking things off? There was really nothing to even break off! The whole situation is looney. 

If we look at our love languages, there is a fundamental difference. We both want something different. Mine is physical touch. Clearly, I'm not getting that here. Hers is words of affirmation. One look at my blog tells you she's getting loads of that here. She has no reason to move forward. Plus, she seems to favor a passive approach to life. My trying to move things forward terrifies her. And she already has what she wants from me. Why would she want more?

I am officially out of ideas for how to fix all of this. I literally have no other choice but to simply let go. Everything I do on my own just makes a bigger mess. I give up! From now on, I will go sit in the corner. I think we can all agree it's better that way.

[A note on the nature of my blog:] I probably come off as a really nervous, OCD-type who has no grounding in reality. This blog does not contain all of my thoughts. It contains certain kinds of thoughts. In the context of all of my thoughts, the ones I write about on this blog are a small fraction. It might appear I am obsessed with all of these things, but I am merely obsessed for a moment and then I go about my day. I bring problems — large and small — to this space. This is where I take them apart and look at them. It may sound like I dwell on minutia, but really I'm just getting down to the nitty-gritty and doing a thorough job analyzing things. The things I talk about here, I can't talk about anywhere else to anyone else. So, clearly the same themes pop up over and over. In reality, my life id fairly tranquil and boring. Writing what I write here is about the most dynamic thing I do on a day-to-day basis. 

Still, this post reinforces the feeling that I need to take some serious time off and disengage from all of this. There is quite a bit of frustration and overall confusion going on inside my head. I've done everything I can think of and am still at a loss.

Thank you for reading!