Nebraska retrospective part 4 (Kearney)
The city of Kearney (population about 35,000) represents a "coulda been" for me. It could have been so many things — the town where I attended college, where I made it solid with my girl, where we settled down to live, where we bought our home and brought our children into the world — but, instead, it's a town I hardly know. I remember buying music, some of which I still own today, at the mall and other shops. I remember taking a drum set my brother was getting rid of to a music store in the bricked section of town. I got my wisdom teeth taken out here. After my stint at McCook, I thought I would finish school here, as a lot of my friends were already attending and it was an affordable yet good school. The girl I wanted to be with was already going to school here and, indeed, still lives here.
But that didn't happen. Not the school. Not the girl. Not the house or the kids. Not anything. Kearney. What coulda been.
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Kearney from Yanney Park. |
The plan was to stay two days in Kearney. I planned it that way so I could take my time and visit three different towns. That day (a Tuesday) I saw her twice. Got to meet her kids. Maybe it was because nothing was planned and there was no thinking involved, but I was not nervous to be doing something I had imagined a thousand times — finally meeting the kids and seeing her, a girl I thought I would never see again. And twice in one day! We shared meals and talked a lot. The next day I was invited back and stayed probably eight hours. Her children were at their dad's house most of the time. So Cindy and I talked. After barely talking for a year and a half, it felt good. And I realized again why she is one of my favorite people and why she feels like home to me.
I cannot delve deeply into what we talked about, though I will say she revealed to me why she has been feeling so stuck about her ex-husband (a man she still loves). It was a conversation neither of us wanted to have, and I cried as she told me this, but not because she hurt me (which she thought) but rather because she had shown me her heart. It was a very vulnerable moment. I didn't need her to tell me nothing had changed, that she was still stuck. I knew that. I knew she was still working on figuring things out and didn't want me to get hurt in all of that, which is why she hasn't been talking to me.
So, while I can say nothing has changed and nothing was solved (and subsequently have zero hope of being with her someday), I was still over the moon to have spent so much time with her, though I felt I had monopolized her time. Still, I didn't know when I'd see her again and planned to leave the next day. I tried to leave early enough that evening so she could spend more time with her kids.
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Another view of Yanney. I didn't take many pictures in this town because I was preoccupied. |
I slept well that night, knowing my feelings for this girl were not unfounded, that she really was what I thought she was — the most special girl I have ever known. Upon waking the next morning, I was listless. Here I was, about to leave an experience that I was set to remember a long time. I was about to leave my heart here, too, with the girl I love. She texted and asked if I could come over before I left town. I didn't want to take more of her time from her kids, so I simply said as much. She said one was sleeping and the other was at driver's education. I said I'd be over.
Tired, I lay on her couch. She was as beautiful as ever that morning, even though she was still in her jammies and had her hair pulled back and had no makeup on. How many girls can you say that about? I wanted to hold her because I knew this really would be the last time I saw her. But what happened next surprised both of us. Her son came out reluctantly after waking up, then gradually warmed up to me. Then we really started to have some silly fun. The Nerf guns came out. A target was erected (me, for a bit). We ate outside on the porch then played soccer (he beat me by one point, but I let him). Then we had more fun inside the house, even though I was soaked by sweat and tired. And I had to remind myself all of this was real and better than I could have planned. And all of it started with a prayer. I was completely humbled and grateful, and I drove away with a smile in my heart. Not only had I seen the girl of my dreams and laid on her couch (which is a good one), but I met the most precious people in her life, her children.
Dear readers, I know this is the point where I completely get ahead of myself. But I'm not going to do that. Moreover, I don't want to get ahead of God. I want to be prayerful and deliberate with my actions and just bask in the miracle of what happened when I had planned something else entirely. And, for the record, sometimes God lets us have something wonderful. Maybe that's the biggest lesson from this week of supposed retrospection. Just pray, trust God, and don't worry.
Did my visit to Kearney give me a glimpse of what life could have been like? The girl lives in a leafy part of town in a nice neighborhood. I didn't feel out of place. It's suburbia. Nice neighbors. A big backyard with lots of fun stuff for the kids. The girl is sweet as pie. The kids are well-behaved as well as fun, which seems a rare mix. I felt at ease sitting with her and her kids. It should have been easy for me to imagine actually living there, but my mind didn't go there. I didn't extend much into the realm of what coulda been. I was just happy to share some time with people I had heard so much about. I was overwhelmed by a grateful feeling that still clings to me as I write this. There was none of my usual mental acrobatics. I didn't wonder what my life would have been had I gotten the girl all those years ago. I was just me. And that was enough. And that was surprising too.
Thanks for reading.
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