An apology to the girl I love

I sit here heavy with troubling thoughts. I sit here full of remorse. I sit here begging for her to hear me, but she does not. 

I'm sorry, Cindy. The words I had for you were the most unkind things I could have said. Whether or not I was being noble is no longer an issue. I know I hurt you, my dear friend. And that is a fact that tears at my chest like a wild animal. 

I don't deserve to be your friend. I don't believe I ever did deserve that. Somehow, a magical door opened between us, and I was in your life. Soon, you saw the man I was, and that door closed. Our magical moment was gone, and I will pine for that as long as I live. I miss you, and I want it back, but it's not coming back. 

My words. They were desperate. They were meant to hurt. They were meant to drive you away from me. They wanted to make a choice that wasn't mine to make. They wanted to send you through a door to a wonderful world beyond. But all I did was make you sad. I have cried, and I have sought my God, and my God gently tells me no more apologies are necessary. But my soul is rent. My heart is bleeding. I ache to tell you I die a little every time I think of those words I said. 

You have shown me what love looks like. Your words were never as unkind as mine. When I saw you go through the worst of things, you never said anything like that. I have outdone you, but in a remorseful way. 

Maybe in all of that, you saw my heart. You saw my desperation. You saw my intention, which I still believe was pure. Or maybe you just see what I see now — ugly words on a screen that seem to scroll forever. It's between us now. You won't forget what I said, and neither will I. 

I won't ever say words like that again to you. I know this. I won't have the chance. You've gone now to the other side. I can feel that. I will never blame you for putting distance between us. I've been truly awful. I've been a mess. I blamed you, but the man in the mirror reminds me how I've been. 

It's too late to say I've learned my lesson, especially because I keep saying that. It's too late to say I'm sorry again. All I can do is sit and wait and hope and pray and wait some more. But I know it's too late. Time has expired on this grand experiment. I was found wanting and you were lost in the stars. 

Even in this, you are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Even when I wound you, you bloom and sweeten my world. How you ever came to live on this same earth as me, I'll never know. But I'll always want to be friends with your soul. 

Goodbye, dear girl. I miss you and love you. 

— From a stupid man you used to know.