my careless contagion

Sometimes it is necessary to issue apologies. Celebrities do it all the time, at the risk of being canceled otherwise. Well, I'm no celebrity, and there is no risk of me being canceled, except by God. But, sometimes we have to say we're sorry.  So, I'm sorry. There. Done.  Oh, wait. I should probably get into detail a bit.  I apologize to my ex, whom I slew a great deal on my blog. She's an ordinary human being. She is flawed. I didn't need to ax her asunder as I did. I wouldn't want anyone to tear me up the way I did her on these pages. I'm sorry for that. For the record, she seems quite happy without me and has no intention of letting me back in her life. She must have been happy to unload me.  I apologize to my parents, who did the best they could raising me. They did a lot to make sure I got the right opportunities and missed out on things that were less than savory. As for their faults, all I can say is everyone is human. There are no perfect parents. A...

  Here I am again, mining an old John Denver song and trying to repackage it with my own sentiments. If I'm anything, I'm just very sorry. But first, the lyrics. It's cold here in the city It always seems that way And I've been thinking about you almost every day Thinking about the good times Thinking about the rain Thinking about how bad it feels alone again I'm sorry for the way things are in China I'm sorry things ain't what they used to be But more than anything else I'm sorry for myself 'Cause you're not here with me Our friends all ask about you And I say you're doing fine And I expect to hear from you almost anytime But they all know I'm crying And I can't sleep at night They all know I'm dying down deep inside I'm sorry for all the lies I told you I'm sorry for the things I didn't say But more than anything else I'm sorry for myself I can't believe you went away I'm sorry if I took some things for g...

It is safe to say I sometimes over-apologized in the past. It's hard living with the burden placed upon me in my youth, but this doesn't have anything to do with that. And I think it is fine to say you're sorry about something you had nothing to do with. But when you've done wrong, an apology is necessary. This is a honest and heartfelt apology for many things I wish I could have done better.  I'm sorry, dear girl. I'm sorry I wasn't enough the first time we had a chance at forever. I'm sorry I interrupted your life with my unrepentant dreams of you and me. If I could go back and do it again, you know I'd do it differently.  I'm sorry I didn't quit pursuing you when I should have. I'm sorry I made you mad at me. And oh so sad. But, like Babe Ruth said, "It is hard to beat someone who never gives up." My persistence only made you sad and angry with me and drove you away. I lost a friend because I wanted so much more. I lost our f...

The letter from Cindy — that infamous letter — still haunts me. It's been more than 22 years since I got that letter, yet I cannot forget it. If there's one thing in my life I could take back, it's throwing away that letter. In all my forgiving, I always get stuck on this. It's so hard to forgive myself for that. But, my retrospective has gifted me with much insight — insight into myself and my actions. You see, there's more to this story. The narrative was this: A lifetime ago, somehow Cindy heard my family was moving away, so she sent me a goodbye letter. In that letter, in her flawless handwriting, she stated she loved me. I recall feeling rejected by her at some point before that, so I chalked up my throwing away of the letter to that, thinking I was, perhaps, still angry with her. I do recall a conversation we had on the phone and after I hung up, I thought, "That's the last time I'm going to talk to her, isn't it?" Sadness. Not ange...

I sit here heavy with troubling thoughts. I sit here full of remorse. I sit here begging for her to hear me, but she does not.  I'm sorry, Cindy. The words I had for you were the most unkind things I could have said. Whether or not I was being noble is no longer an issue. I know I hurt you, my dear friend. And that is a fact that tears at my chest like a wild animal.  I don't deserve to be your friend. I don't believe I ever did deserve that. Somehow, a magical door opened between us, and I was in your life. Soon, you saw the man I was, and that door closed. Our magical moment was gone, and I will pine for that as long as I live. I miss you, and I want it back, but it's not coming back.  My words. They were desperate. They were meant to hurt. They were meant to drive you away from me. They wanted to make a choice that wasn't mine to make. They wanted to send you through a door to a wonderful world beyond. But all I did was make you sad. I have cried, and ...

In all my writing here, I realized I may have unfairly depicted my ex. Some may wonder what I saw in her at all, why I endured such a woman for so long. But she had a lot of wonderful qualities.  The truth isn't black and white. The truth is multi-hued and sometimes difficult to trace because the edges aren't defined in a way that makes moving on easy. In short, people are complicated. Life is complicated.  It took me approximately six or seven years to go through the whole process of divorce — for a relationship that involved as many bad things as I've mentioned (such as infidelity) —  so, clearly things are not as cut and dried as I made them seem. So, I want to apologize to her. I left my marriage at times with a viciousness that was out of character. Most of my divorce wasn't that way. I was conflicted at times but determined. My anger toward her was, I believe, an attempt to get her to fight for our marriage. But she did not. She laid down. She quit. She...

"Just say you're sorry," I said, over and over again.  My son was crying, and it was obvious he felt sorry, but he just couldn't say it. He had pushed his friend off a chair while they were playing, and his friend went splaying out across the hard floor. I think he did eventually say he was sorry, but it was like pulling teeth. Why is saying sorry so hard?  I've talked about the ex-Marine teacher who humiliated me in front of my entire class (when we were trying out for parts for a play/musical thing) when I was in like the 7th grade. He made fun of the way I talked. I admit, I probably have a speech impediment of some sort (I blame my constantly-inflamed tonsils). He should have apologized in front of the entire class for humiliating me. Public mistakes deserve a public apology. And he could have apologized one-on-one for humiliating me, but he didn't. Instead, he insisted he was right that I was wrong for the small part I had and suggested I not do i...

  December 16, 2016, was the day she came back into my life. In the following two years, I've seen a whirlwind of changes. I was so happy she was back in my life. As of this writing, she is not in my life anymore. Of all the changes I've seen in the last two years, this is the saddest. I thought once we started talking she would never be out of my life. It's okay, though. My life has taught me to live with the lack of things. And it was too good to be true anyway.   There was a change that took place in me on a recent Sunday. I sat alone in my apartment and something broke in me. It was a giving up. It was a letting go. Whatever you want to call it. I realized something that I should have seen before but didn't.  Stepping back and looking at the carnage from two divorces is sobering. If I could have done anything to help any of those in pain, I would have. What I didn't see was that I was perhaps the one most affected, the most destroyed, the most hurt by t...

I have lost. I've lost her. I've lost many things. I don't know what else to say, but I'll probably say a bunch of stuff anyway.  The thought came crashing in on me one night: "All is lost." That thought has remained with me. I know that truly not all is lost. Still, of all the feelings that have coursed through my veins in the last year-plus, this one is preeminent. Here's the thing. I'm very practiced in letting go. My whole life I've had to let go of places, people, things, parts of myself, things precious, and things mundane. This world is ultimately temporary, and we with it.  It should not have surprised me that I had to let her — the woman of my dreams — go. It should not have surprised me that I took it so hard, either. Precious things are hard to let go. The last time I saw her, she felt she had to give her marriage another shot. I sat and prayed with her, but she seemed so far away. She had already pulled away. Before we met tha...

If I ever see that girl again, and if we're ever alone, I will fall down on my knees, crumble like no man ever should and hold her ankles tight. I will break before her eyes, and she will see something she's never seen before. She will see the most broken man say the most pitiful things. He'll say he's so sorry, the sorriest he's ever been in his life. He'll say he can't go on any longer, the regret is tearing him apart. He'll say he'll do anything to help her get her life back, just say the word and he'll do it. Please, please, just let me do it.   I get it now. I see why you had to leave me. I see what it means for you to carry on, and I don't want you to do that. I want you to have what you had, and I know what that means for me. If there's an altar somewhere, I'll sacrifice myself to this cause. If there's a time machine, I'll buy it for us. If there's a way -- any way to undo what I've done -- I'll do ...